Title too short and all that....😂🤣The Jokes thread(Collections)

What's the Welsh word for shearing a sheep?

Foreplay

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates.
Since they’ve all led exemplary lives, he lets each say any woman’s name and she’ll go back to Earth for six months as that person.

“Sophia Loren,” says the first nun - and poof, she disappears.

“Madonna,” says the second nun, and she disappears, too.

“Sara Piplini,” says the third nun. “Who’s that?” asks St. Peter.

The nun hands him a newspaper clipping.

He reads and says, “I’m sorry, sister, but you’ve got it all wrong. It’s the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in six months.”

Brits...for Regis read Tarrant
...
Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right … but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 — are you ready?”

Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!”

Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?

Is it...

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara it's worth 1 Million dollars.”

“I think I know who it… but I’m not 100%… No, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend, Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: “Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.”

(ringing)

Maggie: “Hello…”

Regis: “Hello Maggie, it's Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire - I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000 but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer — fire away Barbara.”

Barbara: “Maggie, which of the following birds does not build its own nest?

Is it:

A- Robin
B- Sparrow
C- Cuckoo
D- Thrush
Maggie: “Oh Gees, Barbara that’s simple… It’s a Cuckoo.”

Barbara: “You think?”

Maggie: “I’m sure.”

Barbara: ” Thanks Maggie.” (hangs up)

Regis: “Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?”

Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with C-Cuckoo”

Regis: “Is that your final answer?”

Barbara: “It is.”

Regis: “Are you confident?”

Barbara: “Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.”

Regis: “Barbara… you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo… you’re right! – You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.”

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks “Tell me, Maggie, How in God’s name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: “Listen, Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.”

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the assistant, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
About 32, is the reply.
"No! I’m exactly 50." the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I’d say about 29."
’‘No, I’m 50." the woman replies with a big smile.
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at another shop on her way home. She goes up to the counter and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The assistant responds, "Oh, I’d say 30."
Again, she proudly responds, "I’m 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Madam, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then, I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
She waits in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, "Oh, the heck with it, go on then."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay... How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
"I was behind you at McDonalds’."

A brand new priest was about to lead his first mass & was really nervous.
He did the mass but because of his nerves, he stuttered some & forgot where he was a couple times. At the end of mass, he goes to the Monsignor & says, “Father, I know because of my nerves, I didn't do too well today. Do you have any advice on how to make my next mass better?”

The Monsignor says, “Son, don't worry about it. All of us have been new & nervous. Next week, why don't you put a little gin or vodka in your holy water, if you know what I mean. It should relax you.”

The next week he took the Monsignor's advice & drank a little too much vodka. He got up at mass & preached up a storm. Afterward, he went to the Monsignor & asked, “How did I do this week, Father?”

The Monsignor said, “You did a lot better but there are a few facts you should get straight…

There are 10 Commandments, not 12,
12 Disciples not 10,
David slew Goliath, he didn't beat the shit out of him.
Next week there is a Taffy-Pulling contest at St Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling contest at St Taffy's,
We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T',
We do not refer to Jesus Christ & His disciples as ‘JC & the Boys',
We do not refer to the Father, Son & Holy Spirit as ‘Big Daddy, JC & the Spook',
And last but not least, we do not refer to the Virgin Mary as ‘Mary with the Cherry'!”

Sad news: It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly.

Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects; including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, and Capt. Crunch.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and raised in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being flakey at times, he was still a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, and his three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough. He and his wife also had one in the oven. He is also survived by his father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.

Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little.

Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are.

You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!

I mean, no sex since 1955!

Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so?
It's only 2130 now!"

I saw this one on SW today... it was too funny not to repeat. :

"Three rough-looking bikers stomp noisily into a truck stop.

They see a grizzled old-timer having breakfast, and decide to have some fun.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the old man's plate of scrambled eggs onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.

“Not much of a man, was he?” says one of the bikers.
"No," the others laugh.

“Not much of a truck driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles." "

This couple has a young son named Edward who is struggling in math in school. They try tutors, extra hours of teaching at his school and at home. Nothing seems to be getting through. They switch schools and each time, the schools tell the parents that them that Edward is bright, but he doesn’t pay attention in school and doesn’t often do his homework.

At wits end, they hear about a Catholic school that has had incredible breakthroughs when dealing with underperforming students. Not being religious or Catholic, they decide it is all or nothing to help Edward.

The first day of school comes and they drop Edward off. A whole day of nerves wrack them. Together they go to pick him up from school.

“How was school?”

“Good.” Not much else.

“Do you have homework?”

“Yes. I am going to do it right away.”

Understand that before this, every night they had to fight to get Edward to even consider doing his homework. Today, he takes his school backpack and goes upstairs.

Hours pass. They sneak up and see Edward is carefully working and writing out his homework. Not wanting to break his concentration they say nothing.

The next day, same thing. The day after that, same thing. Weeks go by and Edward is really focused on his math. The parents are just about to explode wanting to know what has happened.

Finally, they must know, and they ask him directly.

Edward takes in a deep breath and lets it go slowly. “When I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were really serious about math!”

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.

"It is not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"Those are enough questions, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her driver's license.

It's like a report card; it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.

"Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex!"

A stunningly beautiful university student goes to her professor's office hours because she is failing his course.

Student: "Gee, Professor, I think I failed that last exam, but believe me, I would do anything to pass this course."

Prof: "Anything? Really anything ?"

Student: "Oh yes, just... anything..."

The prof's voice drops to a whisper: "Would you even... study ?"

A newlywed couple was on vacation when they heard about a prophet who lived in the hills nearby...
They were told by their hotel concierge that he always spoke the truth and could tell them their future, so, filled with curiosity, they went to see him. As they approached the hut, they noticed a terrible smell coming from inside but they pressed on.
The old man was sitting in a chair, with casts on both legs. "What do you want from me?" the prophet called out. The couple then realized the source of the foul smell... It was the old seers breath! "He must never brush his teeth," they both thought.
Undaunted, they replied, "oh wise prophet, we are newly married and were told that you could read our future!"
The prophet answered, "Oh yes. Just like my hands are rough and hard from my many years living on the land, and my legs are so weak that they've broken just by stepping into my hut, so shall your lives together be! Rough, hard, weak, and broken! Now be gone!"
With that, they returned to their hotel. The concierge asked them how their visit with the prophet was. They told him they were pretty disappointed and felt like he wasn't all he was cracked up to be. The wife especially was unimpressed. "He was uncaring, weather beaten, weak, and his breath stunk too!!!"
The concierge answered...
"Well, I guess that's what you get from the SuperCallousedFragileMysticVexedWithHalitosis!"

I heard this airplane joke from a German:

On a SwissAir flight, they had passengers that spoke English, French and German, so the flight attendant gave instructions in each language.

English: "Ladies and gentlemen, we will be landing in ten minutes. Please fasten your seat belts. Thank you very much."

French: "Mesdames et messieurs, nous atterrirons dans dix minutes. S'il vous plaît, attachez vos ceintures de sécurité. Merci beaucoup."

German: "Anschnallen! "

Bagpiper for the Homeless
A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the Oklahoma back country.

As he was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost; and being a typical man didn't stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the backhoe and the crew. The funeral guy had evidently gone, as the diggers were eating lunch and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

He felt badly about this. He apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place.

He started to play and the workers gathered around.

He played out his heart and soul for this homeless man.

As he played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep.

He played like he'd never played before. Then he finished and started for his car.

As he opened the door, he heard one of the workers say:

"Man that was really moving, I ain't never seen nothin' like that before."

"And I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Jesus was walking around Heaven one day. In a small, secluded garden He saw an old man, crying. Alarmed, Jesus ran up to him and said, “Hey, now, what’s all this? This is paradise. There should be no tears or sorrow.”
The old man wiped away his tears and said, “Oh, I know. I’m sorry. But… well, many years ago, a son came to me through… well, let’s say ‘mysterious circumstances’. After many trials he went through a miraculous transformation, and a book was written about him that became known the world over. I thought I would find him here, but I haven’t. I’m afraid I’ll never see him again.”
Wide-eyed, Jesus looked at the man and said, “Wait a minute… You weren’t, by any chance… a carpenter, were you?” The man looked up in surprise. “Why, yes. Yes, I was!” Jesus burst into tears of joy and held out His arms saying, “Father!” The man cocked his head doubtfully and said, “Pinocchio?”
….

A genie granted me one wish, so I said I just want to be happy."

Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarfs and working in a mine.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After the mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

Next Sunday the new priest decided to take the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning, he felt nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon returning to his office, he found a note on the door that said:

– Sip on the vodka, don’t gulp.

– There are 10 commandments, not 12.

– There are 12 disciples, not 10.

– Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

– Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not “Bet his ass.”

– We do not refer to Jesus Christ as “the late J.C.”

– We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

– The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as “Daddy, Junior and the Spook.”

– David slew Goliath, he did not “Kick the crap out of him.”

• When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we do not say that he was “Stoned off his ass.

A man with suspected Corona virus is lying in a hospital bed with a face mask on waiting to be seen.

A trainee nurse comes to give the man a bed bath.

The man asks “Are my testicles black?"

The nurse replies “I'm here to give you a bed bath"

The man asks again slightly more agitated this time “Ok, but can you look to see if my testicles are black?”

The nurse replies “Sir I'm only supposed to give you a bed bath upper body and feet"

The man rather breathless this time manages to ask one more time, “Please, are my testicles black?”

The nurse looks at the man in sympathy and not wanting the man’s heart rate to increase or cause any more undue stress lifts up the man's gown, takes the mans member in one hand and his testicles in the other, leans in to inspect and says, “No your testicles are not black”

The man sits up in his bed removes his face mask and says to the nurse

“Listen to me carefully, ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?”

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

The European Union is proposing to build a public toilet in Brussels.
They put the job out to tender. They get in 3 responses.
First in is Hans from Germany. He gets straight to the point. "I'll build it for €30,000."
The Eurocrat behind the desk looks up from his note pad. "Can you give us some more detail, Hans?"
"Ja! €10,000 labour, €10,000 materials, €10,000 profit for my company! - This is what free enterprise is about, ja?"
Next in is Jean from France.
Dragging deeply on his crinkled Galoise, he pauses, shrugs, and finally says, staring out the window, "Alors, €60,000: €20,000 travail, €20,000 materiel, €20,000 pour moi". The French never concede an inch on the mother tongue, even in an English-language joke.
Last in is O'Shaughnessy from an un-stereotyped unspecified EU Member State. "€90,000, the job is done and we're all grand".
The Eurocrat peers skeptically over his bifocals. "Mr O'Shaughnessy, surely you realise that this price is ... unusual?"
"Yerra no bother, lad: 30 for you, 30 for me and we give the job to Hans!"😎

A guy in Moscow every day goes to a news stand and buys a newspaper. Right at the news stand, he unfolds the paper, looks at the front page, and then tosses the paper, otherwise unread, in the trash and leaves. One day the guy who runs the news stand asks him,
"I see you only read the front page. What are you looking for?"
"An obituary."
"But obituaries aren't on the front page."
"Oh, this one will be."
....
Vladimir Putin passes through customs at an airport;
Customs Official: Name?
Putin: Vladimir Putin
Customs Official: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting.

A teacher asked her 5 grade class to talk to their parents about life events in their families that demonstrate a moral. For example, the early bird gets the worm. They would share the stories in class on Monday. Monday morning saw the class ready to begin and the teacher asked of anyone had any stories to share that had a moral to it. Little Johnny jumps to his feet waving both of his hands wildly. Little Johnny didn’t have a good reputation for sharing stories that were appropriate for a 5-grade class. So, the teacher tried her best to ignore Johnny. Little Mary put her hand up and the teacher called on her. She told a story of being sent out to collect eggs in the chicken coop. She brought with her a single basket. After collecting all the eggs available, she headed back to the show her mother how well she did. But she tripped on the way in, falling on the basket and breaking all the eggs. The teacher asked what the moral of the story was. Mary said, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. This is a very good example, thanks you for sharing Mary. Anyone else have a story?

Little Johnny again is going wild trying to get the teachers attention. The teacher tries to ignore him, but no one else raises their hand to volunteer a story. So the teacher has to relent and asked little Johnny what was his story. Johnny starts off that his Aunt Sue is a military fighter jet pilot. Little Johnny’s dad told him about one of Aunt Sue’s missions during recent conflicts. When Aunt Sue flew missions she always carried with her an automatic rifle with lots of ammo, a large knife and a bottle of whisky. She like to drink the whisky flying back after the mission to celebrate. On this particular mission Aunt Sue’s jet was hit by an enemy missile. She had to eject from the fighter. Coming down with her parachute she worried about her bottle of whisky. What if it breaks when she lands. So, she drank the whole bottle. As she got closer to the ground, she sees 50 enemy soldiers with their rifles pointed at her. So, she begins shooting the soldiers with her rifle. She kills 40 of them before she ran out of ammo. Landing on the ground Aunt Sue pulled out her knife and killed the remaining 10 enemy soldiers.

The teacher was aghast. What possible life moral could you possibly have from this terrible story?

Little Johnny smiled and said, don’t screw with Aunt Sue if she’s been drinking.

The teacher passed out

Borrowed from elsewhere on SW:
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?' "

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for President of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?"

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

An old Scotsman named Douglas has been saving a bottle of rare Scotch whisky for many years for a special occasion, but now he has been taken ill and is at the point of death. His lifelong friend Angus comes to visit him.

"Och, Angus," says Douglas, "I'm much a-feared I'm not lang fer this world."

"Is there anythin' I can do fer you?" asks Angus.

"Aye, now that you mention it, there is, " responds Douglas. "It concerns that auld bottle of Scotch I been savin' all these years. When I am dead and buried, would you be so kind as to pour it out o'er me grave?"

"Och, of course, Douglas; it would be an honor," says Angus.

Long silence.

Then Angus speaks up, "Umm, Douglas...about that bottle of Scotch..."

"Aye,"asks Douglas, "what about it?"

"Afore I pour it out o'er your grave, would you mind terribly if'n I drank it first?"

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it,
You might not believe me but I saw it with my own eyes.

A lady goes to her parish priest
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."

He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered.

Another true story.
We had lunch yesterday with my son and his fiancé, newly engaged.
She was telling us how her very conservative, very concerned family was trying to convince her to wait to get married.
"Wait for what?" she asked.
"You hardly know him."
"You've only known him for 10 months".
"Mom", she said. "Do you want to have a bridal shower or a baby shower?"

Groan - is this what passes for Welsh humour 😂😂😂😂😘😘🐑