A brand new priest was about to lead his first mass & was really nervous.
He did the mass but because of his nerves, he stuttered some & forgot where he was a couple times. At the end of mass, he goes to the Monsignor & says, “Father, I know because of my nerves, I didn't do too well today. Do you have any advice on how to make my next mass better?”
The Monsignor says, “Son, don't worry about it. All of us have been new & nervous. Next week, why don't you put a little gin or vodka in your holy water, if you know what I mean. It should relax you.”
The next week he took the Monsignor's advice & drank a little too much vodka. He got up at mass & preached up a storm. Afterward, he went to the Monsignor & asked, “How did I do this week, Father?”
The Monsignor said, “You did a lot better but there are a few facts you should get straight…
There are 10 Commandments, not 12,
12 Disciples not 10,
David slew Goliath, he didn't beat the shit out of him.
Next week there is a Taffy-Pulling contest at St Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling contest at St Taffy's,
We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T',
We do not refer to Jesus Christ & His disciples as ‘JC & the Boys',
We do not refer to the Father, Son & Holy Spirit as ‘Big Daddy, JC & the Spook',
And last but not least, we do not refer to the Virgin Mary as ‘Mary with the Cherry'!”
