Title too short and all that....😂🤣The Jokes thread(Collections)

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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
I'm terrified of elevators so I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
Have you heard of the band 923 Megabytes? Probably not, they haven't had a gig yet.

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TheSirfurryanimalWales · 61-69, M

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates.
Since they’ve all led exemplary lives, he lets each say any woman’s name and she’ll go back to Earth for six months as that person.

“Sophia Loren,” says the first nun - and poof, she disappears.

“Madonna,” says the second nun, and she disappears, too.

“Sara Piplini,” says the third nun. “Who’s that?” asks St. Peter.

The nun hands him a newspaper clipping.

He reads and says, “I’m sorry, sister, but you’ve got it all wrong. It’s the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in six months.”

Thinkerbell · 41-45, F

@TheSirfurryanimalWales

It's a slow day at the Pearly Gates, and St Peter is relieved when a soul from Earth appears.
He asks the soul's name and pulls out the soul's file from a bulging cabinet.

After reading for a few minutes, St Peter says, "Well, frankly, there isn't much here that's either particularly good or bad, so I'm not sure where to send you. Can you tell me anything about yourself that would help me come to a decision?"

The soul thinks for a minute and says, "Well, I was driving along the highway, and I saw a young lady whose car had broken down. I also noticed that she was surrounded and being harassed by a tough-looking gang of bikers. I screeched to a halt and jumped out of the car to stop them, just as they were starting to tear off her clothes to have their way with her. I went right up to the leader of the gang, grabbed him by the lapels of his black leather jacket and said, 'Look! If you and your gang of thugs don't stop molesting this young lady RIGHT NOW, you will have to deal with me!' "

"I'm deeply impressed," says St Peter. "That was a very brave and noble deed. But I can't understand why it isn't in your file. When did this happen?"

"Oh, about ten minutes ago," the soul replies.

daydeeo · 61-69, M

@Thinkerbell @TheSirfurryanimalWales
To continue the heavenly theme.....
It was a big day in heaven. There were lots men and women waiting to be admitted.
Jesus looked around and said," Men, I'm disappoint in you. I created man to be the head of the home and most of you have just let the women take over. But those of you have taken leadership, please come over here and stand by me."
Out of the multitudes the was only one man who walked over to Jesus.
"Well, son, I'm proud of you. Please tell us all what you have done to be able to stand here."
The man looked at Jesus and said, "I don't know. My wife just told me to come and stand over here."

Thinkerbell · 41-45, F

@TheSirfurryanimalWales @daydeeo

An Italian altar boy goes to confession.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had sex with one of the girls of the parish."

Priest: "That is a grave matter, my son. Was it with Gina Bartolini?"

Boy: "I'm sorry, Father, but I cannot tattle."

Priest: "Was it Sophia Amalfi?"

Boy: "Only God, the girl and I know."

Priest: "Was it Carolina Fagnola?"

Boy: "My lips are sealed."

Priest: "Your loyalty is misplaced, my son, so I will have to give you a harsh penance. You are banned from serving at the altar for three months."

The altar boy leaves the confessional, and is asked by one of the other boys what his penance was.

"Three months vacation, and three excellent leads."