Drowning and I can't Swim UpI don't know where to begin. I have no care in the world, and I don't even have the motivation to type. I'm tired all the time. I'm so broke I could only pay half of my rent this past week and owe my landlord the other half this Friday. I feel... See More »
A Peaceful WeekendI went to the beach by myself this past Saturday. I originally wanted to go with the girlfriend, who's been quite irritable as of late, but she made it clear on Wednesday that she wouldn't be available thanks to multiple office-related obligations.... See More »
Reflections, Pt.1For as long as I can remember, I've thought daily about the last nearly six years and the events that led me to where I am today. In six years, doors closed, my foundation was shaken, and new opportunities and relationships arose. It was October,... See More »
Medication Side EffectsSome of the side effects of the drug I'm currently on to tackle my brain tumor include depression and fatigue. I'm experiencing plenty of fatigue. I have so much work to do before 3 pm and I'm disassociating within a minute or two of performing a... See More »
Mending FencesA little bit of happy news for once. I took a huge step towards mending fences on Friday, one I never thought I'd take. I'd been trying to find the number to the current chief engineer of my former college radio station for four years. Every time... See More »
No desire, no ambitionSo much to accomplish, so little focus. So little concern. I'm sitting here with my laptop, over an hour to kill before I train my last client of the day. I "intended" to update client master sheets for my boss (I'm a personal trainer) so I can be... See More »
I've Had an AwakeningIt boiled over last week after weeks and months of feeling neglected by my partner of close to four years. After she was hit with the news that her company was being sold last June, she went into overdrive at her office, and into a panic at home due... See More »
Telling The TruthIt's something I truthfully do not want to do. It's a secret I wanted my parents to die never knowing. I know now, however, that I cannot hide this from them any longer. Before this month ends, I need to tell them that I'm autistic. I had a... See More »
What A Difference A Week MakesJust last week we were so happy to see each other for the first time since New Year's Day. And now I've made things incredibly awkward again. I just got off the phone with my partner of nearly four years. We'd spoken last night, and our... See More »
Panic and My Missing Outlet."I WANT TO PLAY DRUMS! I WANT TO PLAY DRUMS!!" This is exactly what I screamed at the top of my lungs while driving to work this morning, tears in my eyes, crying hysterically. I went to bed with an anxious sensation in my chest after I lost... See More »
I'm scared of the futureI made a very bold move nearly a month ago, going on a Leave of Absence from work. I declared long haul COVID symptoms, particularly memory loss, backed by a recent emergency room visit courtesy of my absent mindedly putting a power drill to my... See More »
You Had No Right To Do ThatMy biggest priority this past week was to be by your side, while you processed the loss of your third oldest brother, and the one you were undeniably closest to. I predicted not too long ago, when his health started to truly fade, that it would hit... See More »
'Til I DieLife. It's nothing more to me right now than an existential nightmare. I'd do anything to check out now if I'd the opportunity. I feel lost, hopeless and, worst of all, as helpless as a child. I feel like I've been conditioned throughout my... See More »
Autism Diagnosis and the Job Hunt to FollowThis category selection is too broad. Anxious? More like scared shitless. It was back in March when I had a meltdown due largely to the rumblings at the time that all NYC educators would have to go back to work (which has since become reality).... See More »
Reminders Of My Lost InnocenceIt was Easter weekend when I begrudgingly spent the weekend at Mom's. She wanted me to help her clean out her attic, something I had already done not even three years ago. But I had a feeling she just wanted to pin me down, especially since what... See More »
If You Only Knew....If you only knew what I truly have in mind, you arrogant little cocksucker. You can gently bring the topic up, insult me as a man, or try to probe me about my private life all you want. While I'm grateful you don't probe me nearly as much as Mom,... See More »
I Had A DreamMy sweet little girl, I dreamed about you last night. There you were, that tiny adorable ball of black fur, with those big, beautiful eyes. I couldn't stop scratching your head, watching as you twisted and turned with every move my hand made.... See More »
I Had a Strange Phone Call...and the only reason I label it as strange is because you never ask to talk on the phone. Ever. But the strangest part, I'd say, is the fact that I actually dreamed about you and your baby daddy just this morning. You both were with me in my... See More »
I Am An Introvert I Always Enjoy Being AloneAs horrible as this will appear due to the current circumstances, what a time to be alive. As I sit here, working from home, I can't help but reflect on hearing some of my own colleagues openly dreading the idea of being surrounded by four walls.... See More »
I Will Always Remember YouLast Thursday, Halloween, marked a year since I was forced to say goodbye to you. The scene still plays in my mind daily: it's 1:30am, and as I cradle you tightly in my arms, Dr. Reynolds softly tells me "Raven has passed away". My heart was... See More »
I Am Moving OnI've made a few decisions that are bound to alter the course of my life from here on in. A lot of it has to do with cutting people off and either finding new people to talk to or just simply revert to embracing loneliness on the daily. I've been... See More »
I Need a New JobIt was 2011. I was working part time at Target, when my bassist's mother sat me down at her house before I took her son to band practice. Baffled at her son telling her I had a college degree and no full time gig, she wanted to offer me a rare... See More »
I Am Looking Forward to Moving ForwardSo I had met this hispanic lady online. She's five years older than I, with such a cute smile. Upon speaking to her on the phone for the first time days ago, you could hear the bashfulness in her voice. I found it absolutely adorable. We were... See More »
I Think of You and My Heart Is With YouI shouldn't feel the way I do. I've all but made the commitment to end my friendship with you. This is the price I pay in letting you confide in me - an ex of all people - about your problems with your boyfriend and now father of your second child.... See More »
I Fight Depression and Loneliness EverydayI recently invested in a body pillow. After some of the events of this past year, my brother dying in particular, I figured holding on to at least something at night, would help me sleep. To my surprise, not only does it help me to feel slightly... See More »
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