More Thoughts on My Anxiety Over the End of my World As I Knew It

I wrote about the possibility of my relationship ending, my girlfriend having not spoken to me since last Monday. The anxiety is getting worse to the point that it's absolutely affecting me physically. As I wrote on here two days ago, I owe her a bit of money and I fully intend to start paying her back tomorrow once I get paid. When I begin I'll probably message her to let her know what I'm doing, and perhaps to ask to at least let me know if we're still going away next week or or not, so I know whether or not to cancel the hotel.

All I see in my head is images of the two of us having fun. My mind is riddled with thoughts of all the places she's taken me, the life she's shown me. The music I hear is music I created to represent the joy she's given me, the FREEDOM from the depths of despair she gave me. When I think of her, I can only think of what I could have SWORN was my Happy Ending after entering the BLACKEST POINT OF MY LIFE (my brother dying of an overdose just months before she and I met).

Also, being that she's older, she also was far more nurturing than any other woman I'd ever been with. Her personality and her warmth made me truly feel safe for the first time. If there was any doubt of me having mommy issues, this proves that I do, because from a comfort standpoint, she supports me in ways my own narcissistic mother NEVER could. She listens to me without judgement and helps me to constructively fix my issues as opposed to just cutting me off and trying to tell me what to do without knowing the whole situation.

I was warned on here that paying her back might not be enough for me to win her back. But I hope it does because if I lose her, I lose everything...