I Think It's Over

I haven't written about my relationship with my girlfriend in a long time. I didn't want to be overly redundant, and since she stopped taking a particular medication that absolutely inflamed her insides, turning her into a very edgy person, things were kind of looking up again.

Then last month happened.

My car broke down and I needed a new one ASAP or I wouldn't be able to work, as I travel to peoples homes in another state. I still owed money on the finance loan from the last car so I could either pay that off or my application would've been rejected by the bank. When my girlfriend heard this, she jumped in and paid off the loan for me using a "thank you" bonus given to her from her now-retired ex-boss. I never asked her to do that, but I now owe her quite a bit of money.

Then came two weekends ago. We went to a wedding and stayed at a hotel. Before we left she told me to park in her space so the guest spots could be free and she'd let her neighbors know not to tow me. The following morning she lectured me on a few topics, telling me my executive function (I'm autistic and currently have a shit ton of stress) has not been working for a long time. While we were out, because I lost income one week, I asked her to help me with dinner, to which she agreed.

A day later, I went back to work. I figured for sure she would've moved her car back to her spot. It turns out she never left the house. So, when I arrived home I didn't even pay attention to the fact that her car was right there. I could've easily moved back into her spot or offered to move her car back for her. What this led to was my receiving an angry e-mail from her, informing me that because I never parked in her space, she received a parking ticket. She asked if I can pay this at least if she can't successfully fight it.

I waited a few days to talk to her, hoping she'd be in a more civil mood. She didn't pick up the phone. I called the next day and she still didn't pick up the phone. I've since last Friday been advised by others to leave her alone, and if she wants to talk she'll talk. We have plans to go away at the end of next week and I'd hate to cancel them on account of her not reaching out to me. I'd also really hate to lose her over this after more than five years.

This is my longest relationship and if you read my other stories, I've always said she came into m life in the absolute BLACKEST point and shone me a major light. She's literally my other half, my everything, the center of my universe. This is a love like I never felt before and while I've been tempted in the past to end it myself, I'm scared to lose her. I'm afraid my stress levels have gotten the better of me. I think she's right, I can't handle myself anymore as a result of everything happening to me, including the latest news in which I need to be operated on for a tumor in my brain. I simply don't know what to do.

I don't know how neurotypicals do it, how they handle the stress of everyday life and when a loved one won't speak to them. Shit like this is exactly why I say that, should this end for certain, I will NEVER be in a relationship ever again. I see more than ever how inadequate I am.