It's Been Nearly Two Weeks
I haven't heard from her since we had a very uncomfortable conversation that I didn't expect to have that night. It wasn't malicious. I spoke about intimacy and how I miss it in our relationship. I was told I made her feel put on the spot and I do understand why she feels that way.
The problem is I feel like I also made her feel like she wasn't good enough. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
I tried to call her twice this week. She didn't pick up either time. I owe her some money. I zelled her part of it today, with a message asking her to at least let me know that she sees it in her account. No response yet.
This isn't the first time she's been silent with me. But this time I feel like I unintentionally made her run and hide. She's the one woman who's made THE biggest impact on my life, my safe haven, my person, my home. I'm scared I destroyed that and the life we built.
With autism, the inner child in me is strong. And everyday it cries out LOUDLY "please don't leave me! I can't handle this world alone! It's so scary!". I also wake up unable to breathe,most likely because I haven't a goddamn clue as to what's going to happen. Say what you want: but it is.
Before we had this uncomfortable conversation, I began having visions of what the afterlife would be like if it actually exists. I fantasize that she's there waiting for me in a conductor hat (she's fun like that) with either a train or a hot air balloon, ready to scoop me up so we can go on one last adventure. Only this one lasts forever.
I wish I knew what to do.
The problem is I feel like I also made her feel like she wasn't good enough. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
I tried to call her twice this week. She didn't pick up either time. I owe her some money. I zelled her part of it today, with a message asking her to at least let me know that she sees it in her account. No response yet.
This isn't the first time she's been silent with me. But this time I feel like I unintentionally made her run and hide. She's the one woman who's made THE biggest impact on my life, my safe haven, my person, my home. I'm scared I destroyed that and the life we built.
With autism, the inner child in me is strong. And everyday it cries out LOUDLY "please don't leave me! I can't handle this world alone! It's so scary!". I also wake up unable to breathe,most likely because I haven't a goddamn clue as to what's going to happen. Say what you want: but it is.
Before we had this uncomfortable conversation, I began having visions of what the afterlife would be like if it actually exists. I fantasize that she's there waiting for me in a conductor hat (she's fun like that) with either a train or a hot air balloon, ready to scoop me up so we can go on one last adventure. Only this one lasts forever.
I wish I knew what to do.
