What Have I Done?
That's what I asked myself this morning, while reflecting on what I did last night.
I found myself having a talk with my girlfriend that I feared having for a few months now. Her libido is down, courtesy of Rheumatoid Arthritis, and has been for the longest time. And while I'm not perfect, I feel I've done the best I can to accommodate her, work around her multiple emotional swings, and be as sensitive and as understanding as I can be to the point that I think I put my own feelings and needs on the back burner for too long.
I expressed to her yesterday that while I have zero doubt that she loves me, I feel like a child reaching for the cookie jar, only to get my hand slapped in terms of longing for intimacy. I stated that I haven't felt physically desirable to her in a long time.
She surprised me but saying that she does, and that she apologized for making me feel lonely. She gave me her own criticisms, all of which were fair. Again I'm not perfect. But I was very heavy, unloading things I've held in for years. I ended it all by telling her that being with her is like living in a dream I never want to wake up from, and that I'm scared of losing her. She was silent, not knowing what to say.
I offered to end the call and we'd talk again another time. I told her I do love her and she said she loves me too. I funny enough didn't feel anxious at all. But this morning I could not avoid crying, wondering what I'd done.
I found myself having a talk with my girlfriend that I feared having for a few months now. Her libido is down, courtesy of Rheumatoid Arthritis, and has been for the longest time. And while I'm not perfect, I feel I've done the best I can to accommodate her, work around her multiple emotional swings, and be as sensitive and as understanding as I can be to the point that I think I put my own feelings and needs on the back burner for too long.
I expressed to her yesterday that while I have zero doubt that she loves me, I feel like a child reaching for the cookie jar, only to get my hand slapped in terms of longing for intimacy. I stated that I haven't felt physically desirable to her in a long time.
She surprised me but saying that she does, and that she apologized for making me feel lonely. She gave me her own criticisms, all of which were fair. Again I'm not perfect. But I was very heavy, unloading things I've held in for years. I ended it all by telling her that being with her is like living in a dream I never want to wake up from, and that I'm scared of losing her. She was silent, not knowing what to say.
I offered to end the call and we'd talk again another time. I told her I do love her and she said she loves me too. I funny enough didn't feel anxious at all. But this morning I could not avoid crying, wondering what I'd done.
