Coming Clean, To EveryoneI've made the decision to come clean, about not being clean, to everyone. To my partner, my sponsor, my NA friends. So now everyone will be on the same page. Today, March 27th, is my clean date across the board. My real clean date. I shouldn't be... See More »
28 Days CleanI will be 30 days clean on Thursday. I can't believe I actually am going to make it. I've been staying away from where I pick up, I've kept myself occupied, and I've completed the writing portion of the first step. I just need to go over it with my... See More »
6 Days CleanA deep breath, prayer, app tools, reaching out, a hot cup of tea with lots of honey. Today's Spiritual Principle reading was on sponsorship. My sponsor is really lovely. We laugh together through my hardships (like my being high the time we spoke... See More »
Three Days CleanFor real this time. Weed tastes like shit. Klonopin just makes me sleep. What do I really get out of these habits? Shame, guilt, over awareness of my bones. It's not a good time. But when I want it, it's like wanting to claw my way through the floor... See More »
Oh No AgainAnd I just keep lying and using. Telling myself single digit days don't matter so I never actually make it to a double digit anyway. I had gone 16 days without my drug of choice in the beginning of this month. Rationalizing my addiction away every... See More »
Coming CleanAbout not being clean. I got a sponsor the other day, he got clean before I was born. He's a very cool dude. He teaches writing classes at a university. I truly feel blessed to have him. So, I told him I've been using all last week, and lying about... See More »
Talking, Not WalkingI been talking the talk, but not really walking the walk. I'm "12" days sober, according to everyone besides me. Used again today. Twice. Still went to two meetings. I don't know when I'm going to get off my bullshit. I know it's up to me to make... See More »
I'm Aware of SkeletonsThis was a title I came up with while loaded a few years back. Several years, really. I found an online area where I can make Zines, and that's the title about my first one. It's about my recovery so far and it felt good to put my energy somewhere. I... See More »
Pancakes and Hot Chocolate For DinnerThat's the plan. Also painted some frog faces today. Nothing serious. Wrote some poems, thought about how I'm going to print and distribute my zines. I saw a sticker on a cross walk a few weeks ago that said "read my poetry or I'll kill myself" and I... See More »
Ninety In NinetyIt's day 18, not clean for 18, but going to meetings for 18 days so far. I'm shooting for 90 meetings in 90 days. I have a great home group, I go to online meetings in the morning, in-person meetings in the evening. I talk to people everyday who... See More »
Job Interview, Walk With A Friend, Reflection, Gratitude, and Unconditional LoveThese are just some of the things that will fill my day today. I also have a phone meeting with unemployment, I'm honestly more nervous for that than I am for the interview. Nobody will ask me at the interview why I got fired. They don't need to know... See More »
My Higher PowerOf MY understanding. But I don't really know what that looks like yet. I've been playing around with the ideas of unconditional love, convenient happenstance, nature, or even creating my own 'god' figure. I used to believe in a sort of 'god' figure... See More »
Cold & SweatyGot another NA meeting at noon on zoom. I'm looking forward to it. Today is my first full day sober (so far). I'm broke, unemployed, and have no way of getting any drugs. I'm sweating, shivering, and restless.
Euthanize MeI hurt myself again today. Decided last minute to attend my first NA meeting. I'm not sorry I did. It was virtual, and very casual. Everyone was very nice. I'm really itching to start this outpatient program.
Shitty Instant CoffeeSipping on shitty instant coffee Pup down for a nap Cat on the old purple couch in the den. Yellow baseball hat retired to the closet I wore it because your hat is yellow I knew you knew I knew you knew how much I admired you.
Unnerved and ExhaustedI almost completely hate myself for what I've done. Getting fired was not on this year's bingo card. Now I have not only lost my source of income, but my resource for health and dental insurance. And a great big chunk of my dignity. I still signed... See More »
Travis the BeagleOn November 26th, I'm getting a beagle puppy and naming him Travis. My partner has voiced several times he thinks it's going to be a disaster and thinks I don't have it in me to be responsible enough to train a pup. That hurts. Sometimes I fear he's... See More »
Just YappinNo amount of journaling or bike rides or promises save me from this void I find myself in lately. Called a hotline and they told me to try yoga- who can blame them? What do you really say to a complete stranger? I'm severely broke this month after... See More »
Just Flushing Things OutI let another white man ruin my dreams because I'm too sensitive and I didn't advocate for myself more often. Now I'm back to feeling the same way I was two years ago. Except this time I have a boss who loves me and is willing to keep me around just... See More »
Just spilling Some BeansMy anxiety is unbearable. My guts and my head hurt to no end. I recently started a different medication to try and help it, but I think it's making me sick. Nausea and shivers, feeling tired, are side effects. Called out of work today because it was... See More »
Haiku MemoriesSipping on birch beer Middle of the night, Summer Just as hot outside Grandeza, warm night Open window on crudo It has not felt the same yet It has not snowed I remember Winter Break Painfully trudging through it
Has This Hit?I've recently started taking anti psychotics. Hate to be the Debby Downer, the bearer of bad news, but I think that means I am psychotic. These pills have honestly helped me feel less psychotic. I don't get scared at night anymore, very rarely do I... See More »
Guilty On A BailoutBoss man pulled me aside today. He is going to put a bonus on the next check to cover quite a bit of the cost to New York. I'm ashamed for not pushing back harder. But I knew I wouldn't win. I was so frazzled, I forgot again to tell him how sorry I... See More »
Lots of Folks Do A Lot WorseAs soon as I get up, right after coming back from getting coffee, and at least once every hour on days I am not working. I currently work in a restaurant owned by a chef whom I've idolized for almost five years now, so being sober is generally only a... See More »
I Am Afraid of the Deep SeaEvery night after school I get into my dorm and I cry and I scream and the past few mornings I have woken up this way. Screaming during my ironing, I kicked the washer door today after I closed it. It could have shattered and not only break the... See More »
