Talking, Not Walking

I been talking the talk, but not really walking the walk. I'm "12" days sober, according to everyone besides me. Used again today. Twice. Still went to two meetings. I don't know when I'm going to get off my bullshit. I know it's up to me to make that call. I thought I already did, but every chance I get to use- I do it. Definitely an addict. In active addiction, trying to navigate recovery. I just can't be caught in my lies again. I can't hurt everyone again. I'm a coward, and a liar.