Coming Clean

About not being clean. I got a sponsor the other day, he got clean before I was born. He's a very cool dude. He teaches writing classes at a university. I truly feel blessed to have him. So, I told him I've been using all last week, and lying about my clean time to my partner. The whole time we were talking, was just wondering how I was going to pick up afterward. Then I called an NA friend and he spoke with me for a about an hour. Really made me feel good, confidant, like I wasn't going to get high. Then we hung up after I said I was not going to use. And I picked up immediately after. And used. New clean date: 1.25.25. And I feel okay about that. And I told my friend, my sponsor, and my partner I relapsed. Now I'm on day 2 (for the seventh or eighth time this month), and I'm past being down on myself for it. And I'm pro-reaching-out. And reaching out again. Staying close to the Fellowship, trying out new behaviors, staying honest and willing. I surrender. I cannot do this on my own, and I can barely do it with others it seems haha. But I need to keep trying. I need to keep finding new things that help me, and reading the literature to find a new understanding.