Oh No Again

And I just keep lying and using. Telling myself single digit days don't matter so I never actually make it to a double digit anyway. I had gone 16 days without my drug of choice in the beginning of this month. Rationalizing my addiction away every time, and every time, I give in. Then I feel terrible. Feel awkward in a meeting because I'm high. Use again. It's an endless cycle. What reservations am I still having? Do I truly want to- Can I Truly- give this up? By golly. I definitely cannot be doing it on my own, and that's what I've been doing. Not being honest with myself, not being honest with other people. Not being honest to the new found people who care about me in NA.