I can't say this to him, so it'll go here

I listen to a lot of Radiohead, because you like Radiohead. I let myself cry ugly now, because you always did without shame. I check in with people, because you always checked in with me. I search endlessly for someone else to love me as unconditionally as you had. Yellow isn't my favorite color anymore. We used to wear our yellow hats together.
If we ever talk again, I'm sorry I made it seem like I needed you and your forgiveness to begin to recover and forgive myself. I'm really trying to do this without you, you don't deserve that weight. By now, I can just assume the best for you. That you've been able to find peace and move on, and you don't need me to be a part of that.
I saw pictures of Chicago, you looked so proud of her on stage. You looked good. I really wish it had been me.