Anyone with past trauma/PTSD

So I had and still have some big dreams. Like huge dreams.

I don't like risks, mostly because I'm mostly in survival mode, especially these past several years and all I want now is safety, peace, in a cozy corner of the world. Far away from all the drama, cirme and toxicity. A mediocre life. Once I achieve my mediocre life, I might actually focus on my big dreams that are, ultimately, dreams for improvement of society. And hopefully I'll have help from the divine forces In doing this.

Currently, I'm just so stuck in this mode, that I need to take care of me first before I take care of anything else.


As for family and friends, I decided years ago to cut the main sources of toxicity and remove them from my life. For less toxic family, I deal with them with conversations, if I see there is a space for mutual compromise and understanding. We're all toxic in a way. As long as one person is willing to work with you to have a better relationship, then they're okay to keep them around. You don't have to, but you can.

Your self value is very important, and the way you increase it is by treating yourself like you want to be treated. Actually doing good things for yourself. It's very difficult. I'm still struggling with many issues surrounding this. But I've done some pretty amazing things for myself and earned new respects in my head. That gives me the hope I do fight for myself, I do respect my standards, I do want good things to happen in my life and to be surrounded by good people. Because you need to see not only logically that you deserve all the wonderful things, but also you need to feel worthy of receiving that. That's why they say you need to be open to receive the goodies of the Universe.

If you have someone close or someone to show you that you're worthy of more, and make a new level in your mind, that helps too.

But the main thing is, and the most important one, seriously, the cliche, believing in you, that you deserve more. And you do, just people told you crap that destroyed your innate value.
As a child, you knew you are gorgeous, prefect, amazing and worthy of anything you desired. Someone lied to you and brainwashed you out of it and it's up to us now, with tedious, repetitive, intentional effort and actions to prove us wrong.

While I've never been diagnosed, I can relate to you. I put up with a lot of belittling from blood relatives, all in the name of peace, and to have someone to socialize with. Once I broke away from them, I felt no obligation to let them treat me as so.
It did take a huge life changing experience, and that was my son being born. I was solely committed to my wife and protecting him from people who weren't genuine at that time. I still have a ways to go before he's mature enough to understand things like that.
I do feel a sense of calm, now that I focus on my family.

I have had a very abusive life full of violence and physical and mental abuse. I have PSTD from childhood through the military career and even my one and only marriage.

But I never let it stop my drive to succeed and to be successful in whatever I want or wanted to do in life.
I will not be defeated, and I will not let the abuser/tormenter win. I also recognize the physical differences between being born male and very healthy and strong verses female as well. I at least grew stronger meaner and more combatively trained than most and could wipe those abusers from my presence or life, only my ex-wife I never laid a hand on her, but I did divorce her wacko ass and walked away from her head held high. But I was born male and a fighter, and again I recognize our male/female difference's.

I chose not to date and have been single and content as Willa for the past 18 years post my divorce as well, and I will not sacrifice one iota of my being or soul to ever be with a woman unless she loves me how I am (Near impossible to ever find that, a one in a billion chance). Now for how other guys treat me heaven forbid and be warned I have all of my male strength and training in combat and martial arts over my lifetime and heaven forbid they want to taste test that.

I know you and read a lot about you and your past/upbringing. I just do not know how to make you a fighter for your own self and self-preservation of your own mind and body. And how I am and have been in life is something I do not know how to tell you to accomplish until you learn how to tell other's how it is, how it will be, and that you're a strong woman standing your ground telling any would be user abuser to go to hell and giving them handwritten directions.

With all due respect,
Sincerely,
Willa

Yes. I am terrified of taking risks. I don't like to do anything that draws attention to myself. I have passed up on various opportunities in life because of it.

I have had a lot of trouble lately figuring out what I really want. I have been too disabled to work for the past 3 years. It is really disheartening. I find many work environments to be unfriendly not just to my disabilities but unfriendly in general. The service industry in particular is toxic as hell. Customers/patients/etc just get to abuse the hell out of staff and nothing is done about it. Many industries don't give workers what they need to succeed or don't even treat them like people. It can be hard to see a future where I am both working and happy.

I think there are too many conflations in this thread between PTSD and experiencing trauma..

It id absolutely not the same. I am not sure you and few others here have PTSD like I do.

I used to dream of revenge , inflicting the pain ,mental physical and sexual that was rained down on me . But i slowly realized i could never do those things to another. I also realized their end game was to destroy me and if possible to make that innocent child what they were. I believe what they were after was that very innocence that they couldn't regain ,so out of jealously they set out to destroy it. To me my revenge will be living a good life in spite of all their hate and anger. I bet the one thing that would crush your mother is to see you succeed, to care for yourself like she never did ,to one day look her in the face and say you lost and i won .That's what motivates me ,i remember their faces and ,i understand how badly they want to be what i am .Revenge is sweet.

Honestly, for myself it was about acceptance but more so than that, "Forgiveness." Forgiveness, set me free. . .

I don't know what I want. I will always be anxious and feel like nothing is right. Everything can be fine and peaceful around me and I'm still burning inside.

Never stop dreaming.

Have you read “trauma and recovery”?

Short answer: Yes.

YES

About 5 weeks ago,,,, I got a message from a female user I had never seen on here before.

8 nude pics, VERY XXXXXX rated

About 5 minutes after I had looked at all of them,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, BLOCKED

I cried for days