Anyone with past trauma/PTSD

Do you find it hard to figure out what you WANT in Life? I think I got so used to barely scraping by, barely surviving day to day , that I did accept anything. Even a bad toxic environment, low treatment from friend or family. Just accepted it not to rock the boat and try to have even a shred of peace.
Do you find it hard to dream big? Take risks etc? I feel I barely deserved anything in life due to abuse, so any really GOOD thing in life seems unattainable. 😢

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kodiac · 22-25, M

I used to dream of revenge , inflicting the pain ,mental physical and sexual that was rained down on me . But i slowly realized i could never do those things to another. I also realized their end game was to destroy me and if possible to make that innocent child what they were. I believe what they were after was that very innocence that they couldn't regain ,so out of jealously they set out to destroy it. To me my revenge will be living a good life in spite of all their hate and anger. I bet the one thing that would crush your mother is to see you succeed, to care for yourself like she never did ,to one day look her in the face and say you lost and i won .That's what motivates me ,i remember their faces and ,i understand how badly they want to be what i am .Revenge is sweet.

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@kodiac I do think it's jealousy yes. Because I've only ever been kind to her, obedient like she wanted, with her the dictator. And it's sick, you could sit there and say nothing, and she'll berate or yell at you. NOTHING. My uncle once said "You were sitting on the couch on e, quiet, and she came in and just started yelling at you for no reason." I m glad he reminded me of it because your mind becomes so brainwashed over the years, you think YOU are somehow being bad, rebellious etc. ...at anytime. It was a literal Hell. And I think just Bec I existed and WAS kind, it gave ammunition to be even more horrible , because ill people enjoy that ..gives them Ego. It's a sick life and I wish I could erase it all. I'm 43 and I don't know how I'm going to find someone who would ever willingly be with someone this tainted. I think you living a good life is a great mindset. It's really your birthright 🤍

kodiac · 22-25, M

@Coralmist Well you're not like your mother ,that's a huge victory . I think you will find someone, every one has their oen cross to bear and even though it seems different no one is perfect.

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@kodiac Thanks my friend..🌻🌸