Anyone with past trauma/PTSD

Do you find it hard to figure out what you WANT in Life? I think I got so used to barely scraping by, barely surviving day to day , that I did accept anything. Even a bad toxic environment, low treatment from friend or family. Just accepted it not to rock the boat and try to have even a shred of peace.
Do you find it hard to dream big? Take risks etc? I feel I barely deserved anything in life due to abuse, so any really GOOD thing in life seems unattainable. 😢

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WillaKissing · 56-60, M

I have had a very abusive life full of violence and physical and mental abuse. I have PSTD from childhood through the military career and even my one and only marriage.

But I never let it stop my drive to succeed and to be successful in whatever I want or wanted to do in life.
I will not be defeated, and I will not let the abuser/tormenter win. I also recognize the physical differences between being born male and very healthy and strong verses female as well. I at least grew stronger meaner and more combatively trained than most and could wipe those abusers from my presence or life, only my ex-wife I never laid a hand on her, but I did divorce her wacko ass and walked away from her head held high. But I was born male and a fighter, and again I recognize our male/female difference's.

I chose not to date and have been single and content as Willa for the past 18 years post my divorce as well, and I will not sacrifice one iota of my being or soul to ever be with a woman unless she loves me how I am (Near impossible to ever find that, a one in a billion chance). Now for how other guys treat me heaven forbid and be warned I have all of my male strength and training in combat and martial arts over my lifetime and heaven forbid they want to taste test that.

I know you and read a lot about you and your past/upbringing. I just do not know how to make you a fighter for your own self and self-preservation of your own mind and body. And how I am and have been in life is something I do not know how to tell you to accomplish until you learn how to tell other's how it is, how it will be, and that you're a strong woman standing your ground telling any would be user abuser to go to hell and giving them handwritten directions.

With all due respect,
Sincerely,
Willa

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@WillaKissing Thank you. I'm sorry you've endured so much. No one should have to as much as you have been through.. with my mom, if I stood up to her as a teen when I began doing it, she had the manner to truly hurt me, or worse. She was that violent. I rarely speak to her now. But she's still in my life and even other day belittled me for the 10, 000 time in my life. I felt in a fog for hours after. Typically I can let it go but I'm human and there's only so much you can take.

My goal is to one day complete no contact and NOT have her twist THAT around that I'm now bad for THAT. It was psychosis, what I lived in. I really appreciate you saying I'm a strong woman. I'm very gentle with most and loving, but if I'm on the street at night and some guy leers at me, I'd be prepared to unleash the rafe ive held my life long. I'd never want to only if my life were in danger. I'm shy and feel weak really but if someone were to attack me I feel God, you better get AWAY because I've been down too long. Thanks my friend. I hope to really cultivate a mindset that I deserve joy .