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Any one here has divorced a narcissist ? [I Need Advice]

It’s been a difficult 22 years and then it turned into a nightmare when I finally left !
I finally realized that he classifies and a malignant narcissist
He doesn’t play by the rules
He steals
He cheats and he lies and the law doesn’t seem to know how to deal with him.
The Covid and the chaos has not been helping
I feel like I’m in war against the MOB!!!
Does anyone have any advice for me ?
I feel like I’m about to loose my mind .

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moonlighting · 41-45, M

Do check this guy. He speaks about narcissists like no other.Also he is one too. His videos are very informative for people who deal with narcs in their life

https://youtu.be/4AYq_WOBgDY

Beatbox34 · 31-35, M

I was with one for 4 years.

It was the worst time of my life. She dumped me blaming me for the distance and married another guy when she came back to talk to me(I wasn't aware she was married). Then she blames me for the distance dumping me the next day to return back 6 months later to confess because they can't be together. I block her and then she texts me telling me I'm happy to watch her suffer when she's the one who burned my life.

It was the worst 4 years of my life. I cried so much and I was drained off emotionally. I was tormented mentally. She would send me pictures of women and then accuse me of cheating. She would accuse me of cheating on my co-worker and any woman I came across(even the ones whom I saw as a sister). She was whacked up and in the end I realized that I was never loved. She just wanted me because I was of the same race as her ex but we shared different cultures. Months later she married another guy of the same race and told me that she'd sleep with every man of his culture and race.

She is a monster even though I shouldn't be saying this.

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DianaGyana · 31-35, F

@Beatbox34 so she has a race fetish? omg

Beatbox34 · 31-35, M

@DianaGyana I wish this were true but it's way more than a fetish.

I would say it's an obsession because she ended up blurting to me that she would go about and find every guy she could and hookup with them since her husband split up with her.

DianaGyana · 31-35, F

@Beatbox34 that is not just insane but idiotic behaviour of her

4meAndyou · F

Yes. The second ex was exactly like that. If you are a normal person, you will not be equipped to deal with it, and neither was I. Make sure you live a good distance from him, do not allow him inside your house if that is possible, (children?). If you have children whom he takes for visits send them outside to his car...don't let him come in the house or apartment.

Make sure you don't actually speak to him. If he calls you, let it go to voice mail. If he texts, don't respond. Keep a record of everything.

But most of all, move on with your life. Find other interests. You have been stuck for a long time now, obsessing over the things he does...and that's what he wants.

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4meAndyou · F

@Niloo Just remember...kids go outside, to his car. He does not come in your house. Do not communicate with him via the children. Record all communications on your phone via text.

Niloo · 46-50, F

@4meAndyou
Yes
Thank you🤗
I’m trying my best to do so

DianaGyana · 31-35, F

@Niloo pretend he is dead, pretend you are reborn into a completely new life...

curiosi · 61-69, F

I'm sorry, I have been there. There are no rules as they make them up as they go along. The best advice I can give you is NEVER let them see that they have upset you, it's what they live for. Things got a little better for me after this incident: He took me to court non stop. I couldn't pay another attorney as I hadn't yet paid off my debt to the previous ones. So I did it alone and figured I had no choice but to accept the consequences. Amazingly I made out better on my own then I had when I paid attorney's! I swear I thought he was gonna blow a gasket right there in the courtroom. It was a really stupid case.......I had sent our child to a private school and he felt he shouldn't have to pay child support because I was "Wasting the money". Well, he never took me to court again after that!

SW-User

The only way to deal with a narcissist is to cut them loose.

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SW-User

@SW-User @Niloo anything that’s worth doing isn’t easy. You don’t want kids around that person. Slowly work towards moving out. That’s the best for all of you.

KuroNeko · 41-45, F

@Niloo my ex was the same, he'd hurt them to hurt me.

Niloo · 46-50, F

@SW-User
Thank you
I move out last year !
Thank god !
I finally did it , but it has not been easy ...

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Niloo · 46-50, F

@samueltyler2
That’s wonderful 🤗

samueltyler2 · 80-89, M

@Niloo hopefully they will now live "happily ever after."

BlueVeins · 22-25

There is no strategy. Show no weakness, get the shit you can get as bluntly as possible, and fucking run.

Niloo · 46-50, F

@BlueVeins
I’m trying 😅

Starcrossed · 41-45, F

No advice, just your not alone.
Covid was just one more in a big long list of stall tactics that has delayed the exit from mine.

Niloo · 46-50, F

Thank you !
I’m so sorry to hear that !
Hang in there dear 🤗 @Starcrossed

SW-User

Watch the Betty Broderick show on TV right now. DON'T do what she does. But I think they portray the husband realistically. The mind games.

I think you are doing the best you can. This might have to be one of those scenarios where the lawyers and judge set the rules (get the best lawyer).

Sometimes you have to let them stumble upon their own fallacy. That's not easy and it's a long game.

My wife would sometimes write these long tirades in email/text message. Completely illogical and if she would have just waited 24 hours... a good conversation might have brought solutions.

I finally saved one of the conversations in my photos. Then, the photos made it to our shared Amazon Photos. Then, she stumbled upon it. She was mad and asked why I saved it. I didn't even bother to answer her. The messages spoke for themselves.

She [u]never [/u]sent messages like that again.

I still feel guilty for doing it. I don't know why.

Niloo · 46-50, F

@SW-User
Don’t beat yourself up too much over it
Marriages have ups and downs
As long as you can work it out, you 2 are going to be fine ...
I am trying to do the best I can but I don’t believe the system is designed for malignant people like him
My lawyer didn’t seem to believe me at first at all
Now after one year, she seems to know who he is but downs seem to know what to do with him

DianaGyana · 31-35, F

@Niloo malignant narcissists might as well be behind the system

rottenrobi · 56-60, F

I had to move 5 hours north, away from mine.
Please take care of yourself. You are doing everything right. He will get tired of messing with you when he doesn't get the reaction he wants.
Keep calm.
Keep your head up.
And never look back.
I promise you, you will get your life back. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Niloo · 46-50, F

@rottenrobi
Awww🤗
Thank you
I’m so sorry you had one but very glad you are done with yours🤗

rottenrobi · 56-60, F

@Niloo I'm also sorry you had to deal with one.
You're really doing great! 🤗

OogieBoogie · F

Ugh!

UGGGHHHH!

[b]I KNOW THIS EXACT SITUATION AND FEELING! [/b] except it was 20 years for me.

The insanity of the thoughts that invade from conditioned thinking of always compensating for them, adapting, living on high alert ALL the time!

Have you crashed yet?

I'm seeking help... And I have two concepts that have helped.... A bit... So far.

1. Live in the moment: when thoughts happen of the past or the future - dispel them - now is all that matters.

2. You are NOT responsible for them! Let them bullshit, lie and steal - that's them!..

...NOT YOU.

And on a personal note: be kind to yourself - which i know is the most foreign of concepts!
But practice letting yourself be lazy sometimes, be imperfect, and let yourself find peaceful moments in the 'now'.

I know the UNREAL nightmare of this!
Learn to look after YOU - and resist thinking if them - it's a downward spiral...

..and they will keep throwing shit your way... But don't look back, don't contemplate their actions on you.... Just love your moments of freedom you have from them now.

I get this # I've moved out - yet their punishment doesn't stop.

But you are free-er than you
Have been for years!

Feel it when you can 😘🤗💜💋

Niloo · 46-50, F

@OogieBoogie
You have no idea how much better you made me feel .
I’m so sorry to hear this happened to you as well😳🤗
You know exactly how this is !
No one believes me
Even people who have known me all these years and have heard it all can’t understand me because they have never experienced anything like it .

Thank you
I really do feel much better after reading your comment 🤗🤗🤗🤗
Yes
I am still
Living on high alert all the time but , most days , I do feel more free and much less crushed and more worthy of being on earth 😊

Thanks for reminding me of that 🤗
Are you completely free from yours?

OogieBoogie · F

@Niloo hahahah free?

Physically removed and live somewhere else... But not totally free yet either.

Like you - he does shit that i swear,, when I tell others - their eyes go blank - they just can't believe someone would do that.

It's the stuff of crazy stories you see in movies or read in the paper!

Just when you think they've reached the utmost depths of cruelty - a few weeks (or less) later - they deliver something brand new, and even crueler.

And the pure art in which they deliver it!... No one knows except you!!!

Someone on here told Me once 'your nervous system can develop trained memory ': this is what trauma is.

Until very recently (2 weeks ago) ... i never considered myself traumatised.
But I had a sequence of events happen, that - after so much recovery - put my body into permanent 'fight or flight' mode. My blood pressure sky-rocketed to stroke levels, my resting heartbeat was near 100. What this did to my mind was scary to watch!
Yet all the time, there was a little piece of me in the back of my head, watching my body and brain spiral into panic.

It was crazy - I knew it was crazy - I knew it was unreal - but I couldn't stop it.

And all because my body has been trained to feel fear.

Because of him.

So no.... In many ways - I'm still not free, even though I am.

And I know YOU know EXACTLY what I mean.
💜

But im slowly getting there. 😊

Niloo · 46-50, F

@OogieBoogie
I do...
I’m so sorry
It’s almost like you are telling my story
I’m so glad you are out and away from him🤗
One step at a time !
You know what to do and how to get there
It just takes a little time 🤗🤗🤗

revenant · F

I am still in the process over 3 years later. I totally understand how you feel. It is absolutely overwhelming and the law can be so cold. And choose your lawyer carefully.
Same has been happening with me.
If you can. take a holiday and take your time , you will need it, to care about yourself only

Niloo · 46-50, F

@revenant
I’m so sorry.
Hopefully you’ll get rid of him sooner than later .
I’m trying my best to stay strong
Unfortunately the pandemic has not helped with the process at all ....

Nanori · F

I broke up with one

Niloo · 46-50, F

@Nanori
I’m sorry
You are much better off
Trust me 🤗

Northwest · M

I believe I have.

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Niloo · 46-50, F

@SageWanderer
That’s doesn’t surprise me 🙄

OogieBoogie · F

@Niloo you don't need to say shit.
You've said it all with the post.

But now i know why our spirits know each other - we're walking the same crazy path and know what 'Sane Insanity ' is. 🤷‍♀️
💜💋🤗

Niloo · 46-50, F

@OogieBoogie 🤗🤗❤️

DunningKruger · 61-69, M

Retain your composure. Do not react to anything he says or does. Record every conversation. Do not believe anything he says without independent confirmation. Do not expect anything good or reasonable from him.

Arm yourself, if you already haven't. Get a gun if you don't already have one, learn how to use it if you don't and always keep it with you. Be ready to use it if you absolutely have no other choice. I know this one is extreme, but it sounds like you're in an extreme situation.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope you're able to extricate yourself from this person as soon as possible.

Niloo · 46-50, F

@DunningKruger
Thank you for your wise recommendations .

Unfortunately I had to learn the hard way that no recommendation can be extreme when it comes to protection from this type of personality .

SW-User

*raises hand*

Stay away is my advice.
Find things that intrest you and pursue them

Niloo · 46-50, F

@SW-User
Yes ma’am !😊

samueltyler2 · 80-89, M

The same thing happened to my daughter. She finally threw the bum out! She has been so happy since.

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samueltyler2 · 80-89, M

@Niloo family and friends really are important.

Niloo · 46-50, F

@samueltyler2
Yes
I’m blessed with both 😌

samueltyler2 · 80-89, M

@Niloo my daughter thanks us often.

PrivateHell · M

Stay strong and stick to your principles and what you know is right.

Niloo · 46-50, F

@PrivateHell
Thank you .
I’m trying my best...
Venting here helps 😊

lubovont · 70-79, M

I wasn't married to him but I was in a long-term relationship with an extreme narcissist when I was younger. Of course, I couldnt see it at first, blamed myself for so much. I finally left, which I'm proud of, but it wasn't easy

Niloo · 46-50, F

@lubovont
I’m very proud of you as well
It take a lot to get the broken pieces back together and get out

lubovont · 70-79, M

@Niloo yes it did take a lot

Niloo · 46-50, F

@lubovont
🤗

GreenNinja

My own father is the King of the Narcissists! As a result we haven't been in touch for 20 years. They truly have no interest in you or anything you have accomplished. Very difficult to handle indeed. Stop caring!

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GreenNinja

@Niloo Exactly, they are the ones that will not understand, similar to me, until it is too late. Try and remain civil around him for their sake, and let them figure it out for themselves. But obviously protect them you must.

Niloo · 46-50, F

@GreenNinja
I’m trying my best
Sometimes I think he even uses that to his advantage 🙄

GreenNinja

@Niloo In my situation I was fortunate enough to have two older brothers and a strong independent mother to use for role models, which luckily worked out well. Your best is all they can ask for, and it will be enough. Seek support from people you admire and bring them into your kids lives as an alternative.

KuroNeko · 41-45, F

We weren't married but we had kids together. He has never forgiven me for leaving him. He doesn't even speak to his children anymore, hes so bitter at the fact he can't control us anymore so he pretends we don't exist.

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KuroNeko · 41-45, F

@Niloo they were left with a lot of issues from his treatment of them emotionally and mentally. Its going to be a long road until his voice is out of all of our heads I think.

Don't underestimate the damage hes doing just by being around them at this point in their lives. Get as far away as you can ❤️

Niloo · 46-50, F

@KuroNeko
I see your point .
I was raise very traditional and always believed children need both parents
Which is why I stayed as long as I did
However, the more it goes the more I realize how much damage he has caused ....

KuroNeko · 41-45, F

@Niloo the last thing you want is for your kids to grow up thinking that thats how a man should behave. I already see my daughter taking emotional manipulation as love in her friendships and relationships. Its heart breaking.

Peaches · F

Yes, 😔the best advice is to [i][b]run!!!!🏃🏻‍♀️[/b][/i]

Niloo · 46-50, F

@Peaches
Working on it 😊

SW-User

Happy for you 💕 my mum divorced one and she’s been happy ever since. You’re very brave and I wished that everyone had the confidence to walk away before it’s too late. Now you can finally live your life the way you want to.

Niloo · 46-50, F

@SW-User
Thank you dear🤗
I’m glad your mom got away and found happiness .
I’m exhausted but hopeful 😊

MoonlightLullaby · 41-45, F

Oh dear, bless you. I remember days thinking mine was a narc and that's a nightmare alone, without the other ugly stuff. Love & light, my sweet sister.💞🤗

Niloo · 46-50, F

@MoonlightLullaby
I’m glad yours wasn’t 🤗🤗🤗
I’ll be ok
I just have to walk through the fire first ..

MoonlightLullaby · 41-45, F

@Niloo Some women were born to walk through the flames. It sounds ridiculous in retrospect, but I hope you understand one day soon.. 🌈 the silver lining{s} to follow the storm.🤗🌸[image deleted]

Niloo · 46-50, F

@MoonlightLullaby
I hope so too

JustNik · 51-55, F

My lovely friend. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 I wonder if you should be shopping for a lawyer who feels more confident in this situation. You’re going to need all the firepower you can get.