Struggles & Identity > Mental Issues

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Anyone else here dealing with dementia As a care giver?

I co/ take care of my ex-husband's father whom I still call dad. His dementia is progressing. And it is getting more difficult since his wife passed away and I cannot be there full-time. He Is a great man and did much for many when he was capable. Between work and everything else I have to take care of, I've lost Myself in all this. But I'm gaining perspective and Getting some self-care. I need to be good for me, So I can take care of everyone else. But if there is anything I can do to make life a little better for him until we can decide upon home care or facility care, I'd like to try to make him as comfortable as possible and have the best care. Thank you in advance for your feedback , experiences, kind words and help. Its greatly appreciated.💗

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MarbleMarvel

My mom had dementia. You definitely need to take good care of yourself I'm glad you know that 🫂 Getting outside help becomes crucial at some point, but mainly keeping him safe and calm. Having someone around doesn't always help him mentally depending how far he's progressed. But help doing tasks and hygiene. Talking to him and listening to him. Ask him questions and just listen even if it's weird. Never argue, they aren't able to understand. It'll just stress him out.

And stay strong. It's a very hard road ahead and you must remember all the wonderful memories you shared. Know they are still in there, even when the person you love seems gone.

Be well 🖤

LaLumieri · 51-55, F

@MarbleMarvel Thank you so much for this and yes I know he's still in there I feel like I'm his memories and I tell him about his life all the time. But a lot of the things you said Make so much sense thank you for caring and taking enough time to write this

MarbleMarvel

@LaLumieri I'm so sorry he's going through it. It is hard for everyone.

And yes, he's in there. My mom knew it was me till the end 🖤

LaLumieri · 51-55, F

@MarbleMarvel Thank you I needed to hear that. I will be there for him till the end I will always be a constant.

SageWanderer · 70-79, M

Every case is different but from what I experienced from caring for my wife things that should have been done differently. First and foremost take care of yourself. It may feel selfish knowing what the patient is suffering but burn out is real!
Second, make sure you have a support system in place to assist with care. Don’t try to do it all yourself.
Third, read study and ask questions of other care providers. Learning what to expect and not be surprised.
And finally, don’t feel guilty. You will second guess yourself when it passes. Did I miss something or what should I have done differently are common.
My thoughts are with you as it is a difficult situation.

Heartlander · 80-89, M

(Raising hand)

Yes.

There are different causes of dementia and each has its own characteristics, sort of. It’s possible to have multiple types and somewhat difficult to diagnose to find the exact underlying disease. I would like to think that some are reversible, but have never met anyone who was cured or even got slightly better. Does he have a diagnosis? Or a likely diagnosis? Alzheimer’s? Parkinson’s? LBD?

It’s smart to start getting ready because it will likely progress. And there will likely be a time when he has to be constantly watched and looked after. Some dementias come with other physical ailments that affect muscle control and the ability to stand or walk without assistance or even walki with a walker. That means that people with dementia are at serious risk of falling. What’s worse than dementia? Dementia AND a hip replacement.

I will PM before going further.

LaLumieri · 51-55, F

@Heartlander It's kind of you too give me so much information I appreciate it. I was aware that there are different kinds. Luckily his motor functions are very good he can still shower and even shave with an Electric Shaver But of course everything has to be reminded and prompted sometimes you have to take him through the motions. And I do agree having dementia with some other type of complication would be terrible. At this point if he had a cold I think it would be an extreme complication for him. And you may certainly PM thank you for letting me know

being · 36-40, F

Yes, self care is key in being able then to give to anyone else..
My mom is caring for a lady with dementia, it's her job at the moment. It's not easy but she's utilising lots of humour and it works 🙂
It's tough, her husband has died and my mom needs to remind her all the time, whenever she's asking where is he. But my mom says, whenever she tells her he's died, she never replies and moves to saying something else, as if in the universe she's living, that's impossible to have happened, she doesn't even consider it.
She's living with her daughter but they're paying my mom part time so her daughter doesn't have to carry it all on her.

LaLumieri · 51-55, F

@being I find that humor is wonderful he doesn't get it too often but when he does it's good to hear him laugh and keep his spirits up. His wife Died almost 2 years ago and it's very hard he's still in there home for the moment. Sometimes he asks questions and sometimes he doesn't remember I try to keep only good and funny memories about the 2 of them. And I have noticed him drifting off into a different universe occasionally. He still thinks at times that me and his son are married. I roll with it. I do not want to stress him out. I do put it gently that we do not live in the same space But whatever keeps him calm and happy That's all I care about

being · 36-40, F

@LaLumieri yes no need to argue and stress him out.. you're very considerate to do that for him and care like that. He sounds like a good man and so I trust he's going to have a smooth way...

LaLumieri · 51-55, F

@being He is, hes always very passive before he even took Zen philosophy college courses LOL. He taught me a thing or 2 about de-stressing. But we do have sometimes where Things are hard and I worry about him staying calm.

BizSuitStacy · M

It's difficult. My dad developed a very aggressive form of dementia. I worked full time and couldn't provide the necessary care. I hired in-home care givers. He received better care than he'd have gotten at a nursing home, but it was far more expensive.

LaLumieri · 51-55, F

@BizSuitStacy Thank you for the heads up I was wondering if in home care would be more expenlive than a facility. At the moment he is in his home His son lives only a few feet away from him and I only live 15 minutes away. He is able to care a little bit for himself and function every day But we still have to call him around the clock until we get home to remind him of things and that's how we are working it right now

BizSuitStacy · M

@LaLumieri the problem with nursing homes is there is like 1 care giver to every 12 residents. I did a lot of research, and based on the recommendation of a social worker, I hired a Tongan family. Their culture is very family oriented and value caring for their elders. The women usually provide the care, and it's an important factor to consider, it takes a lot of physical strength to help your aging family member in and out of the shower, bathroom, bed, etc. The care givers have to be physically up to the task once your loved one is unable to get up on their own.

LaLumieri · 51-55, F

@BizSuitStacy Thank you something to consider In the coming months I will do some research of my own I really appreciate this feedback. This is something I had not heard of before. You are truly considerate thinking of our loved one And of ourselves as well

Adrift · 61-69, F

My father developed dementia and he also had hearing loss that made things even harder.
He wanted to stay in his home but it got to the point where it was unsafe for him to live alone.
I would make plans as soon as possible so the transition can be easier for you and for him.

LaLumieri · 51-55, F

@Adrift Thank you also for taking the time out to write my father-in-law also has hearing loss so I do understand the difficulties and how it impacts everything. His hearing AIDS were not working and he was unable to communicate that to us and we thought he was just getting worse mentally when we took him to the audiologist They told us the hearing AIDS were broken once we got them fixed life has been so much better ever since but yes I agree this will be the year we transition him. And I am always up front and honest with him so that way nothing is a shock and everything is as smooth as possible.

Adrift · 61-69, F

@LaLumieri I hope everything goes smoothly with the transition as it is better if they are agreeable.
my father finally had a fall at home and we had to lie to him and tell him he was going to go to stay in rehab after being released from the hospital.
He is stubborn and became paranoid and too difficult to deal with at home.
He lasted about a month until he hit a caregiver and was transferred to a geriatric psychiatric ward.
He never made it out of psyc.

LaLumieri · 51-55, F

@Adrift im so sorry

Yourwildestdreams · 51-55, M

I have in the past and it’s very very challenging 😥.

LaLumieri · 51-55, F

@Yourwildestdreams I'm sorry you had to go through that. But it was very wonderful of you to help that person

WillaKissing · 56-60, M

Bless you with this. I have never had to take care of a person with dementia related issues. I have watched my best friend help his wife care for her mother and still try to care for her since having to place her mother in a care facility. And all I can say is God has given those that provide care for their loved ones with Dementia a special place in Heaven when their time is due.

I have no advice and can only say God bless your soul.

I handled my parent's hospice care when I was 30 for my father and 24 for my mother, but both were for cancer, and both maintained their mental faculties until they passed away. I have no advice just empathy and respect for you.

smileylovesgaming · 31-35, F

All u can do is put him in a care place. That is what we did with my grandfather

LaLumieri · 51-55, F

@smileylovesgaming We are getting to that point. He just wanted his independence for a little while longer especially after losing his wife we are monitoring the situation very closely and luckily we have caring neighbors in his building who Check-in on him we call him all hours of the day Alternately And either one or the other of us is with him to make sure he is doing the right things in the morning and in the evening

DownTheStreet · 56-60, M

Bless you

whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M

Me. My wife...😷

LaLumieri · 51-55, F

@whowasthatmaskedman I'm sorry you Had to or are going through this. I know how difficult it can be. I hope you have the assistance you need or will need. And as you can see I received a lot of messages from my post hopefully some of them have some good things you can use To get through your days. I wish you only the best

whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M

@LaLumieri Its getting to the point where I will need to do something. But we have coped together for years. Sadly now her moods swings in a heart beat and I get everything in her. Which is a lot.. My daughter is organising her for some overdue medical procedures at the moment that she wouldnt allow me to get her in for. The next few days I have to restrict her food and cleanse her for a gastroscoe and I am dreading what i am going to get as she will want to eat normally and cant..

LaLumieri · 51-55, F

@whowasthatmaskedman My father-in-law Won't eat unless he is prompted. He forgets. I don't know if your wife Maybe just put out only the things that she can have and put the other things away

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