My husband thinks that autism is an excuse for attention.

Autism is just one part of it though.

Every single human being is somewhere on 'the spectrum'. There is no escape from that. All people who claim they are 'normal' are still captured by 'the spectrum'. There is no actually boundaries for what 'the spectrum' is in terms of it's width or scope.

There are two ways to look at it:

aspergers - normal people - autism (the 'traditional' model)

or

normal people - ASD (which includes all forms of aspergers/autism/neuro-divergency) - more normal people

Today, the totality of 'neuro-divergency' as distinguished from people who are defined as 'neuro-typical' is called ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder).

The big flaw with this is the Disorder part. It is *NOT* a 'disorder' or 'disease' in any way, shape or form. Neuro-divergency is *NOT* 'abnormal' - it's just 'different'

It just means that we neuro-divergents do not see, process and react to things happening around us in the way that the textbook(s) of what the majority of people would consider 'normal' would expect and/or predict.

For example, I'm extremely socially phobic (always have been - I don't do friends), since some bad relationship experiences I'm extremely sexually phobic (though I suspect I always have been since childhood), I do not really understand sexual attachment or the 'fabric' of adult relatioships, and I have a very strong 'bullshit detector' to tell when I'm being lied to about how I should think and feel about something (I'm a committed believer in thinking for myself and applying scientific reason plus critical thinking to how I live my life).

I am demi- and sapio-sexual, which on their own do not count as 'neuro-divergencies', but combined with the other things lead to an assessment of my persona being not neuro-typical as a whole. Yes this is totally self-diagnosed. I have never been 'medically assessed' - I just know.

Because your husband doesn't care to look at the reality of this situation. He wants to be your sole focus and feels that sharing yourself with your son in this manner is taking something away from him. It may also be a certain amount of guilt, or an excuse really, for not participating or even caring about this in the way that you do.

Its a serious condition

You're not doing anything wrong. My daughter is nonverbal Autistic and is not self sufficient to be on her own. When I hear someone say Autistics just want attention..i find it upsetting. My daughter hates attention of any kind. She doesn't even like strangers looking at her. This of course makes socializing extremely difficult

Sadly that's a common attitude. I am autistic and just moved into my own place last year. My parents still help me with things, and there were some years when I thought I would never be able to live on my own, but they don't do everything for me and I'm managing okay at this point. I don't know the details of your situation, but it doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong with how you treat your son, it just sounds like it's something your husband can't relate to or understand very well.

He may be nice but he sounds ignorant about what autism actually is. Sadly, a lot of people are. If he’s truly "nice" he should be willing to be educated, or he’s not the right partner for a woman with a special needs child. You are your son’s best advocate.

Your husband, should take the time to learn what autism is all about.

But the real issue may be that your husband is the one in need of attention, and that the time you spend with your son, is not time you're spending paying attention to him.

Your primary responsibility, as a mother, is to your son, especially when he has a handicap that prevents him from being 100% self-sufficient.

Are you teaching him or are you cleaning for him?

I understand both perspective and neither one is morally superior. its a toxic tendency we have sometimes to want to position ourselves on the moral high ground but really it creates conflict. it is possible to have diverging view and still understand each other. the first step is to wonder, really try, to understand why HE thinks the way he does. usually, and I really suspect that its the case here, both believe in different actions because each have different inteprestation of the situation and of what is needed. he thinks the boys need to learn to rely on himself and overcome the limitations inherant to his condition. you think its ok to give extra help considering his condition. both come from a loving perspective, both want what is best for the boy. its a facinating question and arguments can be made for both sides, its depends a lot on the specific situation.

I always thought my son was on the spectrum, the docs said no. They said it was ADHD and stuck him on meds. My Ex was always doing things for him. Now he lives with me, and it's a constant in teachable moments.

Get your husband to teach him some things. Like what to do when the toilet is running, or there's a clogged sink.

Whether your son has Autism or not as his mum you don’t have to justify wanting to spend time with him and giving him attention, that’s just called love

Autism is by no means an excuse. Sadly those without any real experience of working with or having a family member that's on the spectrum do struggle to understand. You keep doing what you do for your son. He needs the routine and your support. Stay strong chick 🤗

You are a good mother and it's nothing wrong if you are helping your son. My mom does helps me too and I help her with cooking and things as well.

I agree with you. I do think there are those like your husband suggests because I knew one.

Seems like the hubs needs to be educated more on the subject.

I apparently am an adult aspie according to a conversation my late mum once had with my ex but I never got invited to be part of. That would have been about 10 yrs ago now as I got with my ex in early 2013 and left her in mid 2018.

Teach someone to fish and they'll always have fish to eat. I teach him and he's a good listener.

I don't know why your husband would think that. He obviously doesn't understand.

You're doing the right things with your son. The care you show him is wonderful.

He wants to see him improve and sometimes tough love is the trick to self improvement. He’s also not the bio father so the unconditional love isn’t there…..

If you're helping him be self-sufficient I don't get the issue.

I don't have experience in dealing with autism. And I don't aim to judge.

But what I do know is how too much doting isn't helpful to a boy, especially not to who supports and provides for him. Mom does it to my brother too. I hate the act more often than not to be honest.

People who receive too much tend to not put effort into getting stuff for themselves, because they know they'd be given it anyway.

You're doing a good job.

{@savanah] sorry that is the case his lack of understand is very stressful on both and your son and may turn your son against his step dad

Man has lack of empathy or feels neglected?

Ignorance leads to unsubstantiated claims.

Possibly deep down your husband resents the time you spend with your son precisely because he is not his too. At the very least your husband is being an insensitive jerk. When he married you he married into your family and no confident man would expect his wife to ignore her special needs son or resent the love she has for her son. He (you husband) needs to grow up and help you help your son. That boy needs a man to mentor him too.

Your husband might seem good to you, but from what you have said here, he is ignorant and uncaring.

your husbands sounds like a heartless pig. of course you should love and help your son, you're doing your son good.

Your husband seems to blur the lines between a good guy and an idiot

Your husband is a fucking idiot. When he’s old he will count on your son for care, and be lucky for it.

The only autistic person I ever met was one of the most gifted graphic artists in his company. People are full of surprises.

I want tp throat punch people who say such things