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I'm in a bit of a mind fog, I have two options guys you can just pick Option A,B or C.

Poll - Total Votes: 31

A.Move in with him to Germany, accept his stance on my parents

B. Break up, change city, start taking life by myself and maybe do some business with a girl friend

C. Become a nun.

Show Results

You can only vote on one answer.

Short Brief Summary: 5 yr old relationship, we need to relocate. Initial plans of moving to a country have been shunned by my parents that no longer want me there with them. My partner is pissed, never wants to see them again, hates them. I cannot live without my parents and my family in my life in some sort, I love them too much and I know my parents want the best for me. So its a dealbreaker.

Option A- Do I move with him to a new country I dont speak the language to, and I wont be probably able to work in for quite a while while he focuses on his career?

Option B- Break up with him, move to a different city of where I currently am and move in with a girlfriend and just try to work together on things.

Option C- Remove contact with everyone and everything, become a nun.

Top | Newest First | Oldest First

Quetzalcoatlus · 46-50, M

You’re young go have the adventure. You’ll regret it if you don’t. You’ll make up with your parents.

View 1 more replies »

OogieBoogie · F

@Ratatouillesque Life should have at least one Adventure in it .

If it never does, you reach your twilight years and wish or wonder what could have been, or that you're done that one thing, and lament what never got a chance.

Quetzalcoatlus · 46-50, M

@Ratatouillesque Moving to a country, and not knowing the language is an adventure

Ratatouillesque · 26-30, F

@Quetzalcoatlus You're right. Adventure of a lifetime

Threepio

Logically: Your parents and family are FOREVER... I would urge you to not burn that bridge no matter what the circumstances. Nobody and no amount of anything will replace your parents and family. Moving to an unknown (to you) country without a support system in place is risky at best. You'll be trapped and alone.... Your relationship with your partner kind of sounds "shaky".... otherwise, he would be trying to work out a solution WITH you instead of reacting the way he is (by treating your parents/family as if they are now persona non grata and "he/she" is the only one that can truly be in your corner at the moment.)

So you ask "guys you can just pick Option A,B or C"

I pick B, because it is a better choice than A and I know you wouldn't ever like C

Ratatouillesque · 26-30, F

@Threepio This is definitely what I also believe. The thought of not being in touch with my parents or especially my younger sisters would actually kill me. I cannot nor do I ever want to live my life without them. The reasoning behind his motive would be that albeit he respects them, he can see that they are quite toxic sometimes. Nonetheless, it is not an option. Either he accepts them or I am actually going to leave. And it would probably be the hardest thing I d ever do.

AndysAttic · 56-60, M

My father was a Nun, I know he was because every time he was arrested and the police asked his occupation...He said 'Nun'.

jackieash27

@AndysAttic It was a habit he got into.

Notsimilarreally · 31-35, F

It's really hard for anyone else to say but you what's best

He might get over those feelings with your parents eventually. And if you love him, five years is a lot to say good bye to with someone.

Ratatouillesque · 26-30, F

@Notsimilarreally Thank you! You get it! 5 years.... This is the guy I would see myself married to with kids! I feel really stuck. What if I never advance with my life? I slowly start resenting him? He gets a career? I end up trapped? Sure I love him now but could I trust him in 10 years? God.

Notsimilarreally · 31-35, F

@Ratatouillesque totally understandable thoughts. Is there something you can do in the country to advance yourself and remain independent and progressing? Online courses? Take a language class for that country's spoken language too. Like what options can you do for you, so you don't feel like you're just there for him. Do you have interest in going there other than to remain with him at all?

Ratatouillesque · 26-30, F

@Notsimilarreally Honestly I feel like if I would be going there the first thing I would need to do is to definitely take German classes, otherwise employers would not look twice at you. I've been working in firms for half of my adult life and the other half would be ESL english teacher for children. Honestly I appreciate that you saw the importance of being after all in a committed 5 year old relationship. In the end I do want to marry and have children with him and be happy, I'm just deeply worried over things not working out in the best case possible.

Pop88 · 36-40, M

Your parents don't want you to be there with them? But you insist you want to be close to them?

There is lots of information missing here. Why does your bf hate your parents?
_________

Do not move to a foreign country with someone unless they are committed to you. Make him marry you first if you do this. If he wants this commitment from you, he has to reciprocate that commitment.

Ratatouillesque · 26-30, F

@Pop88 Sound advice from you which I agree with. Backstory to the backstory, we are both living in Turkey and working there, due to the countries economical collapse which doesn't seem to ever end we have decided that for our future we need to move out to find better opportunities. Since I am also a Romanian citizen I have told him that I d go to Romania to work in my fathers factory while he goes to Germany to find good opp in IT sector. My parents knew I was going to Romania and in the last 100m of the race, they are telling me that I should they can handle the factory there and that if I go there its just going to be the same as in Turkey, meaning my father would not be "that helpful" financially and with everything else. He felt that this sudden change was the ultimate betrayal as after his germany trip he was supposed to come back to me to Romania. Now he s saying that if thats the choice they made they should not be expecting anything and that we will go away together and start our life.
God Im sorry for keeping on blabbering about this.

Reflection2 · M

Don't leave your family, no matter what

Ratatouillesque · 26-30, F

@Reflection2 I agree.

Northwest · M

When you learn German, are you going to be able to find a job that will keep you interested, and gives you the opportunity to be on your own, in case things don't go so well in Germany or you need something to fall back on? That should be question #1.

If yes, then move with the guy you love, and want to have children with. Flight time between Bucharest and Berlin is less than 90 minutes, or if you like the scenery, you can both share driving and be there in 12 hours.

Your parents will get over their hurt feelings, if they want to see the grandkids, and they will and he will sulk for a while, but will come around as well.

Ratatouillesque · 26-30, F

@Northwest Honestly this is where my insecurity regarding this matter stems from. I am unsure of how I would be able to handle things independently if anything were to happen. I wouldnt want to rely on my parents again ever, financially speaking. Workwise, I ve been working in companies in a certain domain and before that I'm a qualified ESL teacher. Though this is Germany we re talking about...people are basically born speaking english and for the office jobs it would require some good years for me to be able to learn german and be any good in it. I just feel overwhelmed. The only good case would be if it would be an international company but my chances of even getting there are low. Ffs, I feel trapped.

Domking · 61-69, M

I didn't vote in hurry but I was thinking.
The question that comes to my mind - are your parents able to look after themselves or would your parents be in difficulty in your absence? Perhaps being in India, I was raising this question, here we tend to look after elders, or stay separate but nearby, (like I did) but in Western society young people usually move out & go away.

Anyway A would be better than C or B

Ratatouillesque · 26-30, F

@Domking Yes I totally understand, and my family is turkish and romanian and not going to lie the turkish culture is exactly the same as you guys.
They are quite well now... they are in their 50s, they have my two young sisters but I cannot live with the guilt of being somewhere so far away(For instance, a different continent) that it would require a huge effort to go to there. I want to have them in my life as much as possible.

Domking · 61-69, M

@Ratatouillesque listen to your inner voice

Ratatouillesque · 26-30, F

@Domking Im afraid it left me to my despair at the moment.

Strictmichael75 · 61-69, M

You will eventually make your decision
You are a level headed girl

Convivial · 26-30, F

Become a nun and move into a convent,... All problems solved

Baremine · 70-79, C

I would go with b.

Ratatouillesque · 26-30, F

@Baremine thanks dear.

iamBen · M

Do what you need to be honest with yourself. That you are asking at all implies that you aren't convinced about committing to your relationship. That's a big, very risky, leap to move to another country and be totally dependent on someone who seems to put their needs first.

Tamara68 · 56-60, F

If he looks anything like my ex and tries to block contact between you and your parents, you will be sad and miserable. If you go with him, you need to promise yourself to go back if it doesn't work out well.

Ratatouillesque · 26-30, F

@Tamara68 Honestly when I heard that from him this is what I was thinking about! I was unbelievably insulted and annoyed, I told myself this cannot be my life and my relationship! You cannot make me choose between people that have cared for me for my entire life and you! It doesnt have any reason to be this way!!!

Tamara68 · 56-60, F

@Ratatouillesque It is important to hold on to what is essentially important to you. If a partner doesn't acknowledge that, he is not the right one.

Neoerectus · M

IF you want to be with him, go. If ever any kids, one or both parents will reconcile, most probably.

If "just" a gr irlfriend, do you have assurance you will be cared for? Maybe a wrtten agreement is called?for if totally dependent in a foreign country.

Ratatouillesque · 26-30, F

@Neoerectus Well we would get married and I would be moving there with him.

RedBaron · M

This isn’t something for other people to decide for you. It’s your decision and yours alone.

But why on earth would anyone want to be a nun?

Ratatouillesque · 26-30, F

@RedBaron For some peace and quiet

RedBaron · M

@Ratatouillesque Some or nothing but?

Ratatouillesque · 26-30, F

@RedBaron You know those days where you re just hoping you ll have a boring day? This is where I am at now. Dont want drama, scandals, issues, stress, bad news, just ....nothing but peace. I guess. Right now.

Adogslife · 61-69, M

Wasting valuable time in your life isn’t an adventure. Don’t grow for him. Grow for you. Let the adventures be yours, not his. Don’t be a passenger.

Option B, final answer.

Ratatouillesque · 26-30, F

@Adogslife Thank you, this is what the other side of me is thinking as well. But unfortunately there s also the other side of me and they are conflicting. Thank you for the answer!

smileylovesgaming · 31-35, F

Moving to a country u don't know anything about and can't speak the language doesn't sound like a good idea. Why would u need to move at all just stay where u are

This comment is hidden. Show Comment

OogieBoogie · F

Youre young.

I think your 20's are for taking risks, making mistakes and going for it.

No other decade in your life is as free and has as much rebound potential as your 20's.

Your parents will always love you .

But doing something this big might not always be there.

Id say go for it ! Do it !
Do something radical, or forever wish you had.

Ratatouillesque · 26-30, F

@OogieBoogie This comment made me shed so many tears. Thank you.. I hope it works out in the end.

Askeladd · 31-35, M

As you said, your family is important. If he can’t compromise, he is not the one.

Ratatouillesque · 26-30, F

@Askeladd Yes.... Just feel the stress of time ticking. If its not him, and I deeply love him, its going to take so many years for me to even start looking at other men. And then im afraid I ll be too old to start a family.