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Will my husband really change after cheating multiple times?

I found out my husband of 2 years (together for 11 years) has cheated on me through out our relationship, engagement and marriage. Mostly with online women and onlyfans. After I found out, he said he's very sorry and he's going to change (he didn't tell me about any of it, I found it all out myself) he's showing me that he's changing but I don't trust him, should I believe him or should I leave????

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Blondily · F

Thank you for BA but most importantly I hope you are ok and plan to move on.
🌷🤗

ilikeitlikethat23 · 61-69, M

@Blondily your right, its an addiction, they loath themselves after they have an affair, but can't resist the thrill of getting some on the side. It will never stop.

Animalvan · 56-60, M

@Blondily concur with your reply

666Maggotz · F

No. He’s not sorry that he did it, he’s only sorry that he got caught.

lost213 · 46-50, M

@666Maggotz I agree 100%. If you didn’t find out he would still be doing it

Bustywithbpd · 26-30, F

@lost213 exactly!!!!! That's what keep thinking about.

Submissiveiendencies · 22-25

Once a cheat always a cheat. Throw the cheater out and change the locks.

Bustywithbpd · 26-30, F

@Submissiveiendencies that's so true.

SW-User

@Submissiveiendencies Not always, there are plenty of women out there who will tempt a middle aged man, especially if he has power, position, or money. The trick is to be aware that this will happen. Feel flattered and accept this happens and don’t fall for their charms.

JonUK31 · 36-40, M

Maybe ask him what he wants that he doesn't have from you.

If he tells you honestly there's a relationship.

atlantic59 · 61-69, M

@JonUK31 good advice! communication lacking seems to most often be the common denominator

atlantic59 · 61-69, M

that said, -it changes constantly

RoguishEyes

If you forgive and let him off the hook he will not change. You are sending the message that he can get away with it.

atlantic59 · 61-69, M

@RoguishEyes and he will be so wonderful in the beginning of before next-time

Primnproper · 56-60, F

What you shouldn’t be doing is letting strangers influence such an important decision. I think you already know and are just looking for confirmation. Go on your gut instinct it rarely sees you wrong.

whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M

@Primnproper I suspect the same thing. A decision has already been made or we wouldnt be hearing about this..😷

Morvoren · F

Once the trust is gone, it’s gone.

And what’s the incentive for him to behave if he keeps being forgiven?

Torch his car.

Hayley16 · F

Did he hook up or was it limited to online? Those are huge differences.

Bustywithbpd · 26-30, F

@Hayley16 he said it was only online but I don't believe him

Hayley16 · F

@Bustywithbpd are you or me or whoever is on this site doing anything different from what he said he was doing? Have you told him about this site and that you are talking to people about your relationship? The choice is simple. Either believe him and move on or if you no longer will ever be able to trust him, then leave. Or if it’s your house tell him to leave. I have guys hit me up all the time and discuss fantasies. We never hook up. Maybe with some of his fantasies he feels you will judge him so he is online with someone he will never meet. I don’t know you or him. If you love him, remind yourself why. If you don’t. Say goodbye. Don’t let people on here that you have no clue who they are dictate what you will do. Not even me.

SnipingSvelte · 26-30, F

@Hayley16 ba in my opinon

twistedrope · 26-30, M

I have some experience with this. Probably not.

Cheating is such a poor hurtful thing to do. It is in fact so poor that it is difficult to accept a cheater does it so they make excuses or gaslight and victimize themselves.

I like the book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady’s Survival Guide" which opened my eyes quite a bit. A taster is on the website chumplady.com

I trust a promise to change is pretty much all it is. Just a promise. Change takes years and sticking about while you watch him fail and relapse multiple times,as is expected in recovery is really not something you should stick around for. In this case I'm being generous as to the future prospect and it's still not worth sticking around.

atlantic59 · 61-69, M

@twistedrope first steps eventually get somewhere

VeronicaJane

Mostly with online women and onlyfans? That's just short of actual physical cheating. To some, that would be breaking the proverbial "red line". For others, it would not be.

You'll always wonder, since it is online and can happen even if he is just in the other room.

If you caught him, and then he has cheated again.... then you have your answer.

riseofthemachine · 41-45, M

You" ll never feel right around him again .
You be always on hold waiting for his next move.
No one can tell you .
I'm gonna ask you a question.
After finding out do you think you were ready for a psyche wards . If yes . That's your answer .
If no . Your a strong woman

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riseofthemachine · 41-45, M

@Roundandroundwego I'm far from sick . I don't like people trying to hurt others and dominate others over there insecurities and self hate 😁😁😁

itsok · 31-35, F

I don’t think anyone here should make decisions for you.
It depends on how you feel and what’s important to you. I have no interest in being in a relationship where I question trust.

Greyjedi · M

If you get over the fact he cheated and talk to him about being better in your relationship there is a chance he will stop cheating. You have to be on the ground in with him in the relationship, not on a high horse. Relationships are about the people in the relationship and all have to adjust to survive when cheating happens.

You could also ask an astrologer about the two of you ifvyou feel courageous. Some signs and aspects are natural cheating influences.

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Greyjedi · M

@Maturebate No, your soul is juvenile and can’t the second.

justanothername · 51-55, M

Once a cheater always a cheater.
Once a gullible wife, always a gullible wife.

SW-User

@justanothername For every cheating man there is a cheating woman!

justanothername · 51-55, M

@SW-User and often a parent who believes the lies.

SW-User

He will change for a week or so, then go back to his old ways.

SW-User

You said mostly online. That is not real.
You can never be sure of the perso. You are talking too.

But if in reality, that is different. If he has cheated on you in the real world, then he always will.
If it was a middle age fling, it does happen, men become aware of their mortality and do silly things. You should be able to steer him off that when it comes.
But this has happened so young. It bodes badly.

atlantic59 · 61-69, M

I don't believe Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward ever cheated on each other once they married and lived a long, loving wonderful life together, and on his deathbed, Paul said to her: "It's been an honour" as his last words...🙂 That was True Love

whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M

@atlantic59 Theres a Gentlman😷

therighttothink50 · 56-60, M

Anybody addicted to this evil artificial stimuli will always be vulnerable to misdeeds. Stop being his babysitter, anyone of these phone drones can’t resist escaping into the virtual world.

The choice is yours to make…..

SW-User

@therighttothink50 So why are you on here?

therighttothink50 · 56-60, M

@SW-User writing storage and boredom being semiretired. I don’t own a cell phone, text or use this device for anything but writing columns and reading news.

I control the tablet, not the other way around. I occasionally comment on posts but not regularly.

SW-User

@therighttothink50 I came on to see what people think of my art. But got caught up with someone’s personal problems, and amazingly sorted her out. But at a personal cost to me, as it has left me shattered.

SW-User

Once a cheater always a cheater.

Its easier after the first time.

Blackie · 51-55, M

You do the best you can and you try and try especially if you have a family involved. Imo unless there's blatant abuse you're being subject to or a self harming addiction then you stick it out an do everything you can to make it work. A lot of angry people on here will tell you leave him, F him, and are filled with negativity. He may have some problems he's working out himself as most men suffer in silence.

Baremine · 70-79, C

@Blackie this should be best comment.

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Sam17 · 18-21, M

Did he meet up with them or was it just online

Diotrephes · 70-79, M

@Bustywithbpd When you get a STD from him you may come up with your own answer.

Baremine · 70-79, C

@Diotrephes STD. A good reason to only have one partner and of the opposite sex or gender.

Diotrephes · 70-79, M

@Baremine

STD. A good reason to only have one partner and of the opposite sex or gender.

Be extra careful in these States=

These Are the 10 States With the Highest STD Rates
Mississippi.
Louisiana.
South Dakota.
Alaska.
Georgia.
South Carolina.
Alabama.
North Carolina.
More items...•Jan 31, 2024
https://www.usnews.com/news/health-news/slideshows/10-states-with-the-highest-std-rates

PunkRockSuperStar · 61-69, M

I'm afraid the bad news is that he isn't going to change. He can't change his personality any more than you can yours. There are people who couldn't live with themselves if they did something to hurt their partners, and there are people who just don't give a fuck. Your husband is one of the latter, and you should leave. It sounds to me like he's already wrecked your relationship. Don't give him the opportunity to make it worse.

Orangehotrod · 61-69, M

I don’t believe they can change! Most guys and women I knew that cheated never changed!

Blackie · 51-55, M

Do you take the time to be intimate with him? If your answer is no, then dont expect him to change if you aren't willing to making changes yourself. Men are very simple creatures dont over complicate things.

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Bleak · 36-40, F

@Blackie if she has put on weight after delivering a baby, then what’s the problem??

Blackie · 51-55, M

@Bleak no problem but unless that’s the case then let her state it. You’re not her.

Jessmari · 41-45

If this was a one time thing than yeah it could be fixed, but this sounds more habitual. On the other hand I don't know this guy and he could do a 180 if he stays the course.

BigBulge · 46-50, M

You're just looking for trouble. You need to make a list of all his good qualities. Then concentrate on praising him for all of those.

YourMomsSecretCrush · M

the best predictor of future behavior is..... past behavior.

redredred · M

By cheating do you mean actual physical contact or email/texting or viewing only fans content?

Anton · 61-69, M

He shouldn't cheat. You shouldn't make it necessary for him to cheat.

Northwest · M

New accounts are always interesting. Perhaps you should ask why he cheated, and why he needs to pay OnlyFans models. Or why he married you for that matter.

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Bustywithbpd · 26-30, F

@Northwest yes

fanuc2013 · 51-55, F

@Northwest That puts a whole new facet onthe question!

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JustMorty · 46-50, M

No. Run

meggie · F

If he really loved you, he wouldn't cheat. You deserve someone decent. Stay and to him it's a go-ahead to carry on cheating.

Baremine · 70-79, C

It took 30 years for my wife to rebuild my trust in her. It only takes a second to destroy trust and to regain it takes forever. Our has worked out.

CactusJackManson · 46-50, M

Don't just walk, run

lost213 · 46-50, M

I caught my wife cheating 9 years ago. I still don’t trust her. I’m still with her because I don’t want my kids to suffer through a divorce. Especially back then.

Bustywithbpd · 26-30, F

@lost213 how do you live with her?

lost213 · 46-50, M

@Bustywithbpd one day at a time. I still care about her. But now the love I have for her is like a love you have for a friend not a spouse. Hindsight being 20/20 I should have left her back then. I’m sure I would have found someone else.

Diotrephes · 70-79, M

@Bustywithbpd Watch the Steve Wilkos Show and the Jerry Spring Show to see how other people handle the issue =

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6ejJWcliseBSebapZvOlFQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8HXMBHsyC0

Coldplay · 61-69, M

It takes time to earn trust that was lost. Only you can answer if you need to leave.

Patriot96 · 56-60, C

More than likely he wont change

MarineBob · 56-60, M

@Patriot96 but he said he would

Patriot96 · 56-60, C

@MarineBob no offense, but he will do it again

MarineBob · 56-60, M

@Patriot96 of course he will

Anniedlr · 26-30, F

Once a cheater always a cheater

cinsac

He's been dishonest with you for a very long time. Now ask yourself should you believe a liar? No, if you value yourself, save yourself from having to repeat history, and move on.

fanuc2013 · 51-55, F

Give him a chance, everybody makes mistakes.

PoetryNEmotion · F

@fanuc2013 He has cheated multiple times. How many mistakes are acceptable? She doesn't need to be a doormat. Your advice is poor!

deadgerbil · 26-30

There's no potential for him to change. Try to leave the situation

VeronicaJane

You posted this in Feb. What have you decided?

TexChik · F

Physically or virtually?

Bustywithbpd · 26-30, F

@TexChik he says it was only virtual but I don't believe him.

TexChik · F

Consult an attorney

Bustywithbpd · 26-30, F

@TexChik I don't have a job or money right now.

SW-User

@Bustywithbpd This puts you in a very weak position, but I think you are best out of it.

My mother was in a similar position, I pleaded for her to leave my father. I even caught him with someone once. I had no respect for him.

But worse at the beginning of my marriage, men used to pop round for a coffee when I was at work. Read into that what you like.

HumanEarth · F

Miss I think you should read this and I hope you do.

https://similarworlds.com/relationships/4952495-Advice-about-when-the-relationship-starts-to-go-bad

Bowenw · 61-69, M

Probably not.

Bustywithbpd · 26-30, F

@Bowenw I have that feeling.

Bowenw · 61-69, M

@Bustywithbpd Are you okay with what he does online?

atlantic59 · 61-69, M

most leopards don't change their spots

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