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Will my husband really change after cheating multiple times?

I found out my husband of 2 years (together for 11 years) has cheated on me through out our relationship, engagement and marriage. Mostly with online women and onlyfans. After I found out, he said he's very sorry and he's going to change (he didn't tell me about any of it, I found it all out myself) he's showing me that he's changing but I don't trust him, should I believe him or should I leave????

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Blondily · F

Thank you for BA but most importantly I hope you are ok and plan to move on.
🌷🤗

ilikeitlikethat23 · 61-69, M

@Blondily your right, its an addiction, they loath themselves after they have an affair, but can't resist the thrill of getting some on the side. It will never stop.

Animalvan · 56-60, M

@Blondily concur with your reply

Submissiveiendencies · 22-25

Once a cheat always a cheat. Throw the cheater out and change the locks.

Bustywithbpd · 26-30, F

@Submissiveiendencies that's so true.

SW-User

@Submissiveiendencies Not always, there are plenty of women out there who will tempt a middle aged man, especially if he has power, position, or money. The trick is to be aware that this will happen. Feel flattered and accept this happens and don’t fall for their charms.

666Maggotz ·

No. He’s not sorry that he did it, he’s only sorry that he got caught.

lost213 · 46-50, M

@666Maggotz I agree 100%. If you didn’t find out he would still be doing it

Bustywithbpd · 26-30, F

@lost213 exactly!!!!! That's what keep thinking about.

Primnproper · 56-60, F

What you shouldn’t be doing is letting strangers influence such an important decision. I think you already know and are just looking for confirmation. Go on your gut instinct it rarely sees you wrong.

whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M

@Primnproper I suspect the same thing. A decision has already been made or we wouldnt be hearing about this..😷

RoguishEyes

If you forgive and let him off the hook he will not change. You are sending the message that he can get away with it.

atlantic59 · 61-69, M

@RoguishEyes and he will be so wonderful in the beginning of before next-time

JonUK31 · 36-40, M

Maybe ask him what he wants that he doesn't have from you.

If he tells you honestly there's a relationship.

atlantic59 · 61-69, M

@JonUK31 good advice! communication lacking seems to most often be the common denominator

atlantic59 · 61-69, M

that said, -it changes constantly

Morvoren · F

Once the trust is gone, it’s gone.

And what’s the incentive for him to behave if he keeps being forgiven?

Torch his car.

justanothername · 51-55, M

Once a cheater always a cheater.
Once a gullible wife, always a gullible wife.

SW-User

@justanothername For every cheating man there is a cheating woman!

justanothername · 51-55, M

@SW-User and often a parent who believes the lies.

twistedrope · 26-30, M

I have some experience with this. Probably not.

Cheating is such a poor hurtful thing to do. It is in fact so poor that it is difficult to accept a cheater does it so they make excuses or gaslight and victimize themselves.

I like the book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady’s Survival Guide" which opened my eyes quite a bit. A taster is on the website chumplady.com

I trust a promise to change is pretty much all it is. Just a promise. Change takes years and sticking about while you watch him fail and relapse multiple times,as is expected in recovery is really not something you should stick around for. In this case I'm being generous as to the future prospect and it's still not worth sticking around.

atlantic59 · 61-69, M

@twistedrope first steps eventually get somewhere

Hayley16 · F

Did he hook up or was it limited to online? Those are huge differences.

Bustywithbpd · 26-30, F

@Hayley16 he said it was only online but I don't believe him

Hayley16 · F

@Bustywithbpd are you or me or whoever is on this site doing anything different from what he said he was doing? Have you told him about this site and that you are talking to people about your relationship? The choice is simple. Either believe him and move on or if you no longer will ever be able to trust him, then leave. Or if it’s your house tell him to leave. I have guys hit me up all the time and discuss fantasies. We never hook up. Maybe with some of his fantasies he feels you will judge him so he is online with someone he will never meet. I don’t know you or him. If you love him, remind yourself why. If you don’t. Say goodbye. Don’t let people on here that you have no clue who they are dictate what you will do. Not even me.

SnipingSvelte · 26-30, F

@Hayley16 ba in my opinon

PunkRockSuperStar · 61-69, M

I'm afraid the bad news is that he isn't going to change. He can't change his personality any more than you can yours. There are people who couldn't live with themselves if they did something to hurt their partners, and there are people who just don't give a fuck. Your husband is one of the latter, and you should leave. It sounds to me like he's already wrecked your relationship. Don't give him the opportunity to make it worse.

SW-User

You said mostly online. That is not real.
You can never be sure of the perso. You are talking too.

But if in reality, that is different. If he has cheated on you in the real world, then he always will.
If it was a middle age fling, it does happen, men become aware of their mortality and do silly things. You should be able to steer him off that when it comes.
But this has happened so young. It bodes badly.

VeronicaJane

Mostly with online women and onlyfans? That's just short of actual physical cheating. To some, that would be breaking the proverbial "red line". For others, it would not be.

You'll always wonder, since it is online and can happen even if he is just in the other room.

If you caught him, and then he has cheated again.... then you have your answer.

SW-User

Once a cheater always a cheater.

Its easier after the first time.

riseofthemachine · 41-45, M

You" ll never feel right around him again .
You be always on hold waiting for his next move.
No one can tell you .
I'm gonna ask you a question.
After finding out do you think you were ready for a psyche wards . If yes . That's your answer .
If no . Your a strong woman

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riseofthemachine · 41-45, M

@Roundandroundwego I'm far from sick . I don't like people trying to hurt others and dominate others over there insecurities and self hate 😁😁😁

itsok · 31-35, F

I don’t think anyone here should make decisions for you.
It depends on how you feel and what’s important to you. I have no interest in being in a relationship where I question trust.

Greyjedi · M

If you get over the fact he cheated and talk to him about being better in your relationship there is a chance he will stop cheating. You have to be on the ground in with him in the relationship, not on a high horse. Relationships are about the people in the relationship and all have to adjust to survive when cheating happens.

You could also ask an astrologer about the two of you ifvyou feel courageous. Some signs and aspects are natural cheating influences.

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Greyjedi · M

@Maturebate No, your soul is juvenile and can’t the second.

Blackie · 51-55, M

You do the best you can and you try and try especially if you have a family involved. Imo unless there's blatant abuse you're being subject to or a self harming addiction then you stick it out an do everything you can to make it work. A lot of angry people on here will tell you leave him, F him, and are filled with negativity. He may have some problems he's working out himself as most men suffer in silence.

Baremine · 70-79, C

@Blackie this should be best comment.

Blackie · 51-55, M

Do you take the time to be intimate with him? If your answer is no, then dont expect him to change if you aren't willing to making changes yourself. Men are very simple creatures dont over complicate things.

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Bleak · 36-40, F

@Blackie if she has put on weight after delivering a baby, then what’s the problem??

Blackie · 51-55, M

@Bleak no problem but unless that’s the case then let her state it. You’re not her.

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SW-User

He will change for a week or so, then go back to his old ways.

therighttothink50 · 56-60, M

Anybody addicted to this evil artificial stimuli will always be vulnerable to misdeeds. Stop being his babysitter, anyone of these phone drones can’t resist escaping into the virtual world.

The choice is yours to make…..

SW-User

@therighttothink50 So why are you on here?

therighttothink50 · 56-60, M

@SW-User writing storage and boredom being semiretired. I don’t own a cell phone, text or use this device for anything but writing columns and reading news.

I control the tablet, not the other way around. I occasionally comment on posts but not regularly.

SW-User

@therighttothink50 I came on to see what people think of my art. But got caught up with someone’s personal problems, and amazingly sorted her out. But at a personal cost to me, as it has left me shattered.

atlantic59 · 61-69, M

I don't believe Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward ever cheated on each other once they married and lived a long, loving wonderful life together, and on his deathbed, Paul said to her: "It's been an honour" as his last words...🙂 That was True Love

whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M

@atlantic59 Theres a Gentlman😷

Diotrephes · 70-79, M

@Bustywithbpd When you get a STD from him you may come up with your own answer.

Baremine · 70-79, C

@Diotrephes STD. A good reason to only have one partner and of the opposite sex or gender.

Diotrephes · 70-79, M

@Baremine

STD. A good reason to only have one partner and of the opposite sex or gender.

Be extra careful in these States=

These Are the 10 States With the Highest STD Rates
Mississippi.
Louisiana.
South Dakota.
Alaska.
Georgia.
South Carolina.
Alabama.
North Carolina.
More items...•Jan 31, 2024
https://www.usnews.com/news/health-news/slideshows/10-states-with-the-highest-std-rates

Orangehotrod · 61-69, M

I don’t believe they can change! Most guys and women I knew that cheated never changed!

Sam17 · 18-21, M

Did he meet up with them or was it just online

Anniedlr · 26-30, F

Once a cheater always a cheater

cinsac

He's been dishonest with you for a very long time. Now ask yourself should you believe a liar? No, if you value yourself, save yourself from having to repeat history, and move on.

Jessmari · 41-45

If this was a one time thing than yeah it could be fixed, but this sounds more habitual. On the other hand I don't know this guy and he could do a 180 if he stays the course.

meggie · F

If he really loved you, he wouldn't cheat. You deserve someone decent. Stay and to him it's a go-ahead to carry on cheating.

BigBulge · 41-45, M

You're just looking for trouble. You need to make a list of all his good qualities. Then concentrate on praising him for all of those.

walabby · 70-79, M

Was this cheating actually physical, or was he sexting/chatting/ogling women online?

PoetryNEmotion · F

@walabby Emotional cheating is cheating.

redredred · M

By cheating do you mean actual physical contact or email/texting or viewing only fans content?

wudifu · 46-50, M

Why leave ....do u think men out there are a lot different......eather the devil you know right ?

atlantic59 · 61-69, M

@wudifu and two can play that game anyway

Anton · 61-69, M

He shouldn't cheat. You shouldn't make it necessary for him to cheat.

whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M

Get an insight into the mind of a man... If he cheats and you take him back, thats where the line is. He can go that far again and get the same result..A promise to stop counts for nothing unless you have something terrible formly in yout grasp like losing financially big time. So either move on or have him sign the prenup from hell and hire yourself a food taster..😷

YourMomsSecretCrush · M

the best predictor of future behavior is..... past behavior.

ilikeitlikethat23 · 61-69, M

Get out, dont make the mistake i did, cheaters cheat.

Northwest · M

New accounts are always interesting. Perhaps you should ask why he cheated, and why he needs to pay OnlyFans models. Or why he married you for that matter.

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Bustywithbpd · 26-30, F

@Northwest yes

fanuc2013 · 51-55, F

@Northwest That puts a whole new facet onthe question!

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CactusJackManson · 46-50, M

Don't just walk, run

th3r0n · 41-45, M

Honestly, if a man cares he will change for you

But it's debatable if he cares, because generally a man won't cheat if he cares, and if he does he's really messed up inside or pathologically selfish

lost213 · 46-50, M

I caught my wife cheating 9 years ago. I still don’t trust her. I’m still with her because I don’t want my kids to suffer through a divorce. Especially back then.

Bustywithbpd · 26-30, F

@lost213 how do you live with her?

lost213 · 46-50, M

@Bustywithbpd one day at a time. I still care about her. But now the love I have for her is like a love you have for a friend not a spouse. Hindsight being 20/20 I should have left her back then. I’m sure I would have found someone else.

Deceased · M

People don't change short of a near death experience. Few things in life possess the magnitude to change behavior such as cheating. I've never known someone who was a cheater that ever stopped being a cheater.

JustMorty · 46-50, M

No. Run

Maturebate · 70-79, M

Interesting division of opinion on this. The women want him gone, spat on or stoned. The men are more tolerant, understanding and want to heal the relationship.

Roundandroundwego · 61-69

@Maturebate gee, I wonder if that's because women get battered and never really experienced a fair and loving relationship? Like my experience with all family - including my own felonious child who struck me for two strikes already?

nevergiveup · M

Why are you asking this. You deserve better. Dump him and get someone that will care for you properly

Bustywithbpd · 26-30, F

@nevergiveup I Know my question is stupid, but I'm desperate, I'm so confused

nevergiveup · M

@Bustywithbpd You know in your heart what to do.

Baremine · 70-79, C

It took 30 years for my wife to rebuild my trust in her. It only takes a second to destroy trust and to regain it takes forever. Our has worked out.

jackrabbit10 · M

if you do dump him ,then what get another one maybe worse , talk to him about it ,you could be giving up a good man,

MasterLee · 56-60, M

Do you cheat as well?

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Baremine · 70-79, C

@MasterLee I couldn't determine if it was strictly on line or if they actually became physically involved. The Internet has caused a lot of problems that are confused with reality.

MasterLee · 56-60, M

@Baremine I have the same question

This message was deleted by its author.

Justlookin · 51-55, M

You should cheat on him with my wife! It would get you closer to being even

Bustywithbpd · 26-30, F

@Justlookin gladly, I'm down.

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