What does it mean when your 'loving' spouse is more rude and disrespectful to you than he is to perfect strangers?

@Angelfire21 so happy that you can use the input from your online friends! we are all cheering for you and hoping for the best. 🤗

now you also know why he is so attracted to the older co-worked whom you describe as not attractive in a conventional way. As you are not living up to his image of a wife (someone that's there for the scorn and abuse of the husband) - he is seeking to reconnect with his mother using that older coworker as the substitute! 😲

@Angelfire21 I am so proud of you. You are doing what is right for you and your children. You are finally coming to the realization that this cannot be fixed. I used to think the same way you did. It was my fault-NOT. I could change how he behaved-NOT. I didn't want to have my son be raised without his father. It won't be easy. It will be severe. It will be easy sometimes. You will think-should I have stayed. But you will find that it gets easier one day, one night, one step at a time. And all the bad times will be distant memories one day. And your children will understand what a wonderful mom they have. And you will be so happy. And, in time, when it is right, you will find a greater, stronger, better love. You deserve love. And you know this. Let's all support this young woman in her journey. Come back here when you need us. We shall still be here, rooting for you, celebrating with you, recognizing your courage and your love and your beauty. You can do this. I know it.

@Northwest A sensitive, intelligent reply.

@CopperCicada I think you're right, but I will tell you that it hurt to read this. Truth usually does. I still love him, you see? Even if he doesn't deserve it, even if he seems to enjoy causing me pain or discomfort... I remember what he was when we started out. I think I'm in love with the man he used to be.

Either way, that's gone now and you're right. I'm going to move on, I just wish I wasn't so damned afraid.

@Angelfire21 Love isn't enough. Which is a sad thing. But true.

@PoetryNEmotion You are so very right! There are a lot of people giving amazing advice and offering support and I'm moved, I really am. I mostly came on here to rant and cry and get out some useless emotion and it's turned into something else entirely. Thank you for caring <3

@Angelfire21 you're welcome ❤🤗

Almost all boys learn how to mistreat women from their father.

@PoetryNEmotion No, you're right. I should advocate for my kids, even if it doesn't feel like that's what I'm doing.

@Angelfire21 If you were living elsewhere you could pay attention to the kids and how they are doing rather than what the ... is going on in my marriage.

@Angelfire21 that would have to be factored in. But they are learning that a wife/mother should be disrespected if he does that in front of them.

Would he consider counseling?

@Newandimproved I have asked him and he says quite seriously that I'm the only one in this house who needs counseling. If I choose to see someone, that's fine by him but he doesn't help keeping his emotions in check.

@Angelfire21 it might be helpful for you to talk to someone. They might help you get some insights. Possibly some suggestions on how to cope. Just hearing someone tell you that you aren't crazy.
We're rooting for you.

@PoetryNEmotion He has lied about a lot of things. Parties that he planned with friends from work to which he invited women from his job that he has history with. He wont tell me he's doing it, just go and then come home and deal with the fallout. He cheated when we first got together, he has probably cheated with an older woman from his job. I have found a picture from her on his phone in a bra.

He left our house one time (six years ago) and I heard him shut a very specific drawer next to our bed. Sure enough, when I went to check he had taken the condoms there and when I went out to the car to ask him why we argued and he ended up throwing them at me and driving away. I was pregnant with our son. 4 months i think.

It's a long history of lies and deceit and as insane as it seems, I've never actually caught him red handed. Only the edges of his lies.

@Angelfire21 that’s not being an amazing father. An amazing father would never treat his children’s mother like he treats you. An amazing father is also an amazing husband. He will drive your kids against you if you let him. You’re not doing your kids a favor by staying with a lying cheater.

@Angelfire21 He is cheating on you. I waited for concrete proof too. There were so many red flags. You know the truth. He knows how to lie. Listen, girl, listen closely. A man carries condoms for sex. When he carries them with him, outside your home, he is cheating upon you. Do not let him deceive you or make you think you are wrong. You know the truth. You don't need to catch him in bed with someone. You have already caught him.

@ozgirl512 That's my big fear. That it is in my imagination. He has spent a lot of years conditioning me to assume that when he gets caught, it's just my crazy but we have various things in our history that are pretty clear.

It's amazing what you can get used to.

@Angelfire21 true.. what they call the salami approach .. Just thin slices of reality stripped away that you never really notice... Maybe you need a break from each other to do some thinking ... Hard as it may sound ..

@Fernie I think I have some self blame for this also because, as you said, there are a lot of red flags and if I'm being honest... a lot of them are from the early days which means that I've been seeing and ignoring red flags for a long time now.

I don't know why, but I know it to be true. Thanks for you comment, it really gave me a lot to think about.

@Angelfire21 Good for you for taking responsibility for your part...there's never just one patient in a relationship...I hope you get out and find someone who truly loves you...it's not supposed to hurt

@Angelfire21 no... you’re not a fool for trying to make the dream come true! That takes courage and fortitude!

@Spokeskitties75 Thank you <3 I think I need to take the advice of some of my amazing friends on here and start thinking about plan B.

@Angelfire21 it’s time to look into the mirror and let that love reflect back on itself!

@hlpflwthat I used to tell him that there would be a day when it would happen and I wouldn't care at all and that was the day to worry. I am afraid we have arrived.

I'm sure it doesn't feel like it right now, but the fact that you can acknowledge your truths puts you at an advantage as you move forward - and you will. Your children will be as intelligent as you and soon figure out their father's charade. Never teach a child that your husband's behavior is acceptable.

@hlpflwthat It hurts to hear it because you're so right. I want my son to learn to respect the mother of his future children. Leading by example is much harder than it sounds.

@Angelfire21 well it sounds like he has done it before and its just about to become routine - for him and for you?

@newbie I guess so. Our fucked-up routine.

@Angelfire21 of course it's more complicated than what a simple advice can cover - but you have to break the routine and save yourself and your kids from becoming replicas of his mom and him ...

@aaatheaaa I don't know that I believe people are or aren't meant for each other, but I agree that I think we made a mistake a long time ago that is much harder to fix now.

@Angelfire21 You said sorry and he was the one who was wrong? And now your son is acting like your husband. It is abusive. You must love yourself, girl. I know what being in an unhappy relationship feels like. Someone would surely love you after you leave him. That is irrelevant at this moment. I admire your honesty and your intelligence. If you stay with him, your children will become just like him. I am glad you have your SW friends. Listen to them, please. If I may help, I would be happy to talk with you.

@newbie Well, we can't let that happen, can we? *longest sigh ever* I am going to start thinking about plan B.

@Angelfire21 he copied his male role model who abused his mom for years - so will your son unless you change the environment! don't be fooled by some of the (male) commentators who say you should submit to the father/son relationship - not just for your own happiness but even more so for saving your children from becoming life long abusers too! use your strength and self respect while you still have it🤗

@Angelfire21 no i don’t think ur the asshole. I’ve known too many people like him. Their shit doesn’t stink and they put others down constantly ... they’re insecure jerks and that’s how they make themselves feel better. They don’t change... best to count your blessings and kick him to the curb. And with his responses to you, yes I think he’s hiding something, he deflects the questions with more put downs towards you.
Just my opinion😎👌🏽

@S2dio57 He really does. Deflection is the word of our marriage.

@Angelfire21 ☹️
So sorry hope you figure out what’s best for you...
Big hug 🤗

@Serendipitymaybe I'm going to be fair and say he has gotten so much better since we were first married, but some things seem like they will never change and some things that are new are not very nice.

Understood.

@Angelfire21 THIS is better? He will not change. And these new things? They are worse!

@johnny253 It probably is. He's a liar. He has lots of good qualities, but he lies like he breathes. Sometimes he's even charming while he does it.

@Angelfire21 Those are the qualities of a narcissist. And therapy, not that he would ever go, probably wouldn't do any good. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. No one should have to.

Good Luck.