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Help - I think I’m in an abusive relationship.

So my partner keeps saying I frustrate him and recently we’ve had multiple arguments over stupid things, such as me falling asleep early (9:15pm) I’m a nurse and work 12.5hr shifts, 14 if you add travel. My partner works from home in a stressful, yet very flexible job where he often has time to play on his Xbox during the working day.

Tonight’s argument was me falling asleep early, apparently that frustrates him and pisses him off and I’m so selfish for it. I was explaining why I am so tried and all I got was ‘well I work in a busy job and I’m not tired you need checking you’re so weird for falling asleep at this time’. I kinda snapped when I shouldn’t which caused him to get really angry, shout at me and slam doors (have told him multiple times this scares me, I don’t do aggression well). To which he stated tonight that if I did not annoy him, he wouldn’t do it therefore it’s all my fault and I’m a selfish bell***.

He’s now sulking downstairs because I make his life hell and I’m so hard to live with and no one understands him. I feel emotionally numb and so tired. It’s draining me as I’m always the one in the wrong and he doesn’t seem to take responsibility for his actions and blames me.

Advice would be helpful… thanks x

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Fungirlmmm · 51-55, F

Narcissistic behavior. Run run run.

uncalled4 · 56-60, M

@Fungirlmmm This

SageWanderer · 70-79, M

@Fungirlmmm Agreed! Run and don’t look back.

Oster1 · M

@Fungirlmmm Textbook NPD

Miram · 31-35, F

This is very repeated theme among my friends , coworkers, in the healthcare field.
People know we work long hours and our jobs are more difficult. They willingly choose to be a part of lives like ours. And they feel wronged by our job obligations.

Working in healthcare is extremely draining. You can't do anything about it except quit. You can't fix your own hours. You can't even do proper strikes for better work conditions because people would die.

He needs to decide whether he is able to understand your limitations or not. He is not your patient. You can't put aside your feelings every time and tend to his. The two of you are equal. And you need your rest.

You know what to do. Show him his options and if he can't make a choice, walk out.

Convivial · 26-30, F

You won't like my answer, but he seems to lack understanding and compassion... It's hard to change that and i don't think it's going to get better with time ... Sorry

Turtlepower · 36-40, M

He's gaslighting you pretty bad and he lacks empathy which unfortunately seems more normal than it should. Not to sound too 90's but his behavior is kind of the gate way to worse abuse. I don't know your entire situation but I'd evaluate your options, and then have a very serious conversation with him. Being tired after a 14 hour day is normal and allowed and frankly if he can't handle that then you two aren't compatible.

in10RjFox · M

Looks like he is longing for your company since he is alone most of the day waiting for you and all you do is crash as soon as you come back. And being unable to convey this to you is what frustrates him I suppose. As you are a nurse and you are away from your phone.. Do you get to call him or text from work?

So what matters now is how you conduct yourselves as soon as you get back from work... Do you undress in front of him while talking? Have you invited him to shower with you? Ever acted that you rushed home just to make love to him ?
Ever given him a blow job while he plays his game or attends to his work? He wouldn't mind you falling asleep right after but you are there naked lying around him and not away in a bedroom which makes him feel lonely again...

Try to break his monotony.

View 7 more replies »

in10RjFox · M

@DearAmbellina2113 what is more sex when there is no sex or romance even. The way she has described, she has absolutely no time for him. They are already in a [b]dysfunctional relationship [/b] and you are talking about functional relationship.

If there are more important things in n life and get her to walk out of marriage and go attend the important things.

Why does she even need a spouse?

DearAmbellina2113 · 41-45, F

@in10RjFox would you rather she quit her job? Because that's the only way she could give 100% to her spouse in the way you think she should.

in10RjFox · M

@DearAmbellina2113 please read what I wrote patiently once more. All I have told her is to make some alterations to the way she conducts herself at home. The way she has described it looks like she just hits the bed once she is back home and gets up only to leave for work. He must atleast feel that his wife is his once she is home.

There are even escorts and sex workers are married and have a spouse back home leading a balanced life.

deadgerbil · 22-25

Sounds like you got with a manchild. You only live once so do you really want to spend it with someone who acts stupid despite him being a grown ass adult?

OogieBoogie · F

@deadgerbil 😂....well that was pretty succinct 😂

Mooed78 · F

Lots of red flags there. He is totally lacking empathy. It’s not your fault it’s him. I am sorry to say they never change.

StevetheSleeve · 31-35, M

It sounds like a relationship that’s struggling. I don’t know if I see abuse in what you wrote, other than how his anger makes you feel. Maybe you two can work it out so he is more respectful of your work schedule. The overwhelming response to posts like this is people advising she dump the guy. If you love the guy the answer is never that easy. Good luck.

Panda5689

This does hit nail on the head... Narcissistic behavior. Run run run.... Your description reads like a textbook abuser. Having recently been in a relationship with a woman who lasted 4 years in an emotionally dominating abusive relationship I can only say the best is to get out ASAP. Seek therapy ASAP to heal the wounds inflicted upon you so you may function again as you should. This is so you can find the right person and start a relationship to last. My relationship with her was unable to continue due to the fact this person could not handle "normal". Normal being treated like a human being, cared for, going out, not being expected to respond to texts immediately without consequences, receiving random cards in the mail, flowers for no reason [not to say sorry after abusing her], and list goes on.

Put yourself first and move on ..

Poppies · 61-69, F

You shouldn't have snapped? You had every right to snap! Get your father or your brother or some other strong friend come over and help you pack your things up and get out of there!

Eddiesolds · 61-69, M

Let him sulk for a few days. You sleep when you want to sleep. His stressful job gives him no right to be a bossy ass.Remind him that you arent his trainee. That aint marriage

Vivaci

He’s a toxic person. Please look after yourself and try to live with your parents until you find another place. Keep away from that entitled a-hole.

Eddiesolds · 61-69, M

@Vivaci 100% Viv!

LunarOrbit · 56-60, M

Run.

He sits around all day while you are on your feet for 12 hours. And he is criticizing you?

Run. It will only get worse.

Justmeraeagain · 56-60, F

Sounds like a babyman.
Guess you have to decide if you want to live like this forever

OogieBoogie · F

He needs to stop making his emotional happiness your responsibility.

You are both valid human beings, with your own responsabilities, and needs.

All i can suggest is that days you are on shift he needs to acknowledge your physical needs of rejuvinative sleep, and on your days off you can reccogise his needs for connection .

I had a partner who worked 12 hour shifts. And with travel time, time to wind down frim work , and time to eat....it left us very little time to connect on his work days.

But ....as a supportive partner, one has to accept [i]need[/i] over [i]want.[/i]

A relationship is give and take.
He gives you your rest on work days
You give him attention on your days off...🤷‍♀️

Youre job is VERY important , not just to you, but to society. You are an essential worker.
The last thing your patients need is for you to make a bad decision because of being overtired.

You deserve the right to self care .

View 2 more replies »

OogieBoogie · F

@PoetryNEmotion oh i saw his reply .
Made one of my own to him, but decided hes such an ass that even talking to him is kinda repulsive ....he's all 'Men deserve all they want and women should shut up and put out '
Besides, he can't even stay true to his own relationship with his wife....what the hell would he know about healthy relationships ?
He fucks around and admits it.

Hes not really prime realestate 😂

OogieBoogie · F

@Convivial 😂
Id call him a twat, but itd insult all twats😅

Convivial · 26-30, F

@OogieBoogie there are degrees of twatdom ;)

HannibalAteMeOut · 22-25, F

There's probably no better advice than your own instinct. If you need validation, yes you are right to be frustrated and he's behaving badly.

Quetzalcoatlus · 46-50, M

He’s insecure and is missing affection from you. Have sex with him and he won’t care when you go to sleep. But yes he’s an emotional abuser, you need to run..

SwampFlower · 31-35, F

@Quetzalcoatlus if you have to trade sex for basic respect, it is abuse. Definitely run.

Quetzalcoatlus · 46-50, M

@SwampFlower Ya he’s manipulating and gaslighting. I’ve been that dude. Run. Girl!!

HollyW · 18-21, F

Leave before he escalates things to shoves and slaps. Hopefully it's his place and you don't need to kick him out.

riseofthemachine · 41-45, M

See with your working 12.5 hours and he's working from home and he been pissed and you being tired ,especially if your working 12.5 hours a day you we wouldn't be thinking straight , and I'm not taking you out of the equation but being tired like that , you'd end up too sensitive in arguments and read into it too much .
You should go away by yourself and think on it and rhe answer will come to you cause here getting advice is only opinions , you'd only know not me

ABCDEF7 · M

If your work schedule and your time management can't meet his expectations, there are few solutions for you that I can think of.

1. Try to convince him to adjust his expectations as par you work schedule.
2. Manage your time for work life balance, if you can.
3. Change your job that can match your relationship needs, or leave the job altogether.(Only if you prioritize relationship more than your job).
4. Leave the relationship.

BeefySenpie · M

Unfortunately you’re not wrong. Your path to peace let alone happiness is away from him. Good luck

IM5688 · 61-69, M

Time to get a new partner. This one doesn't seem to have the maturity, understanding or compassion that is needed in a relationship. And yes, he is being mentally abusive to you.
Other than getting a new partner, I would suggest couples counseling, but I'm guessing he wouldn't go along with that idea either.

PoetryNEmotion · F

@IM5688 Hi, guy. Studies show that by the time couples seek counselling, it is no longer helpful. The union is already destroyed.

Wiseacre · F

I would not tolerate his attitude. I think u'd be better off alone.

DearAmbellina2113 · 41-45, F

I'm feeling like my relationship is starting to go that route myself. 😞 My bf doesn't really understand me and there are parts of him I don't understand as well. We handle stress differently (me, exhaustion; him, aggression), so that has not helped.

I wish I could give you some good advice but I'm clueless too.

PoetryNEmotion · F

@DearAmbellina2113 Then you may find the advice here useful.

justanothername · 51-55, M

Yes you are in an abusive relationship. There is physical abuse and psychological abuse which is all about mind games and making you feel like you are always at fault.

Do you have anyone you could stay with?

Scandisecret · 26-30, F

@justanothername sadly not, my parents separated and currently don’t have any room at their new houses (remarried etc) but they don’t know what’s happening and I don’t want to worry them

Turtlepower · 36-40, M

@Scandisecret they'd make room to get their child out of an abusive situation.

justanothername · 51-55, M

@Scandisecret You should tell them. Parents are there to help, as are your friends.
A problem shared is a problem halved.

Golfer · 61-69, M

Can you ask him to move out? Or do you need his money for rent? I’m assuming because you said partner that there’s nothing official other than sharing expenses…moving out doesn’t mean it’s over …just that at this time living together isn’t working.

SW-User

Sounds like he is trying to pick fights with you. He maybe trying to create an excuse to break up. Alternatively, he is narcissistic and lacks understanding and compassion. Either way, it doesn’t look too positive I’m afraid. ❤️

Confined · 56-60, M

Leave ASAP!

GerOttman · 61-69, M

He works remote, maybe he could partner remotely. At least for a bit while things work themselves out. No need fighting over simple stuff, you can hang out on Twitch or something.

DrWatson · 70-79, M

You are selfish for getting the sleep you need?
I am sure your patients would disagree!

He is the one being selfish; not you.

You can do much better for yourself by dumping him.

Penny · 46-50, F

hes probably just lonely and this is how he copes. it sounds like that to me. maybe suggest to him finding some online friends to keep him company while youre sleeping? (trying to be nice lol)

StraightLacedLADY · 41-45, F

My two cents, ask him to go to couples counseling to work through it. If he won't, ditch his ass. That's what I'm doing.

PatKirby · M

He may have a sancha on the side and is provoking a break up excuse so he can leave.

Serendipitymaybe · 51-55, M

Well, do you really want to live the rest of your life with him?

chrisCA · M

Yes. Speak to a lawyer.

revenant · F

He is behaving like a kid..🥺..Xbox ?

DDonde · 31-35, M

That sounds frustrating

SW-User

None of us really know, but I am sure you know the answer yourself.

If it were me I'd probably leave him, especially if I wasn't married and there was no kids involved.

babyboy42 · 41-45, M

let talk i am here for you

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