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Hurt By Her Response and Blame (Not Gaslighting)

It’s so much fun feeling gaslit in a panic when someone hurts you. My *it’s complicated* friend has a long trip from her job which she says she’ll let me know when she gets to her destination. She doesn’t. Five hours after she was supposed to be there I’ve heard nothing, and she doesn’t respond to calls or texts. Calls start to go straight to voicemail. So, I call her work who can’t get a hold of her either. At this point I’m terrified something happened to her. So, I try calling for a safety check at her destination. So, she gets mad at me for doing so and interrupting her sleep. So, yup… At least I know she’s safe… Even if she decides to stop talking to me I guess.

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twiigss · M

So, Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.

I don't think her not letting you know she made it home safe from a long distance travel is gaslighting.

However, I completely understand the panic. I would have done the same exact thing you did. Several months ago I took a long distance trip, about an hour drive from a different state, and I never told my friend that I would let him know when I got home, and never text him when I did get home.

So then like the next day he text me and goes, hello?? Are you there?? Did you make it home safe? And then I was like oh crap I forgot to text and let him know that I made it home safe.

But I typically do that with my close relatives.

NewMan2015 · 41-45, M

@twiigss It was more about her blaming me for calling for help with it. Not the part where she failed to call me back. I have been actually gaslit in the past by an abuser. In my panic and her subsequent blaming me for checking on her not performing her side of our agreed upon and reciprocated check-in for safety, it FELT like that gaslighting though I know after the panic it technically isn’t. Thank you for your understanding as well.

SW-User

If you want to put normal emotional responses into gaslighting, I feel for ya. But I'd throw out the word if it were me. Sorry you are on edge, and people should communicate more, but isn't common knowledge to not call a person's workplace? This read like very needy behaviour, I'd have a hard time trusting, and they were right saying no. Don't make yourself so grand for calling her in her sleep either. Gentle reminder, you are being a shit.

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SW-User

@Queendragonfly As you looked for your own conclusion, dragonfly, I'll be happy to help you with it. See how judgment goes? I get tired of those who do, and learned enough they choose their own way?

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SW-User

@Queendragonfly My bet, it's best to keep to the actual subject which I stuck to... so ps, goodbye.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

I understand you got worried. But Where in this is the gaslightning?

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Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@NewMan2015 She was just tired reacting from being waken up. I don't think she thought much at that second.

NewMan2015 · 41-45, M

@Queendragonfly You might be right. It just very much hurt that not only did she dismiss my concern, but she was also upset. Thank you. I couldn’t hear that in my panic for her safety and the subsequent reaction.

Also thank you for your understanding and defense of my perspective. It was an agreed upon thing. And it was strictly about her safety. I had no clue if she was hurt, car broken down with a dead phone, in danger, etc. She’d always made sure to let me know in the past. This was a deviation that frightened me. And as you know and mentioned, there are predators out there.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@NewMan2015 Yes I'm aware how this world works, and how moody I too can get if I'm disturbed from my sleep 😂

Lostpoet · M

i doubt she'll stop talking to you, you were worried because you care about her, but it is kind of weird she was probably just having a good time and didn't think to call anyone.

Pinkstarburst · 51-55, F

@NewMan2015 I saw the posts below before I commented. That’s how I do things.

Bottom line is you have accused her of gaslighting you (this term makes my skin crawl). In doing so, you’ve used your emotions as a weapon against her over something insignificant. IF she apologizes over this, YOU have actually gaslit HER.

NewMan2015 · 41-45, M

@Pinkstarburst So it’s ok that she did for me? But when I’m equally concerned about her it’s my fault either way? This respect and expectations should go both ways. I’m tired of always being the one that had to absorb whatever anyone else does to me plus have my feelings dismissed. We have the expectations we have of each other. I apologized for scaring her the night she called them on me. And I should also apologize for calling them when I was concerned? Clearly you DIDN’T read everything because that inconsistency is not fair to me. Again, SHE HAS DONE THE SAME FOR ME. Because when one loves someone going a long distance and has been mutually expected of both of us, you ensure the loved one knows you’re safe because shit happens. It’s called concern for their lives and safety.

Pinkstarburst · 51-55, F

@NewMan2015 Sounds like y’all should reconsider this toxic friendship.

Pinkstarburst · 51-55, F

This isn’t gaslighting. It’s a person who forgot to call you after a long trip because they were exhausted and is pissed at you because you involved her work and the police based on your insecurities.

If anything, you have blamed your friend for your own emotional issues and, in my opinion, kind of stalking.

NewMan2015 · 41-45, M

@Pinkstarburst At this point see the comments below. This is an established mutual and reciprocated agreement that she has even enacted on me with a welfare check. There are a variety of reasons for me to be concerned for her welfare on such a night trip (as described below). These aren’t insecurities and stalking. This is her not following through on something that we’ve reciprocally done for each other to make sure the other is safe on a long trip.

InOtterWords · F

I get you are upset but i agree with the other posters. This is not gaslighting.

It was a long trip, maybe she was tired and maybe you have over reacted a little?

NewMan2015 · 41-45, M

@InOtterWords I’ve agreed with the gaslighting part with others. My interpretation was blaming me for the issue when she’s the one who didn’t follow through. In my panic I was wrong. I don’t think it was an overreaction though. 1) This is something we do for each other regularly. 2) She has notorious night blindness (She once said on a trip “Ooh the car lights look like fireworks…”). 3) Her narcissist ex-husband is unstable right now. She’s said as much (she’s a psych professional). And she’s renting from him to be near the kids right now.

InOtterWords · F

@NewMan2015 you were anxious she was tired which is what compounded the issue. Maybe when all is calm explain to her that you worry and when she says she will do something she should follow through.

I get the worry you felt

Ironicman · 56-60, M

Don't dwell on it, give the girl a break and move on.

NewMan2015 · 41-45, M

@Ironicman I’ve moved on. We’re fine.

SmileOnYourBrother

🤮

V00doo

Not gaslighting. Not your partner. Why the concern?

NewMan2015 · 41-45, M

@V00doo As I’ve said to others below, yes, I know it’s not. The blaming me for my alleged failure when it was her failing to keep up a mutually agreed upon thing felt like gaslighting in the moment. She’s called a welfare check on me when she didn’t know where I was. Because we have been partners before and we’re extremely close friends still. We’re actually exploring the idea of getting back together. She has nightblindness issues, a mentally unstable ex husband, her sense of direction is scary bad, etc. Plus it’s been an established pattern between the two of us reciprocally (as mentioned above, she’s called for one with me).

JaggedLittlePill · 46-50, F

Holy shit... ..she doesn't have to let you know her every move.

She was sleeping and you freaked out because she didn't reply.

This is not gaslighting.

NewMan2015 · 41-45, M

@JaggedLittlePill It was an agreed upon thing to let me know she arrived and safe. We have this for each other’s safety (same for me when I go a long distance). I was concerned for her safety. I didn’t need to know anything more than she was safe. I went to bed once I did. When someone you love whether it’s a friend, child, spouse, whomever, if they don’t call when they agreed to on a long trip I would hope you’d be worried too. There are dangerous people and just a host of events that can happen on a long trip. If she hadn’t been there. Then she could’ve been injured, harmed, broken down without a working phone, etc and someone would need to find her. She didn’t have to tell me every little detail. I don’t need to know everything. And she understands that.

NewMan2015 · 41-45, M

As to the gaslighting… I am starting to concur with another commenter below that it may not meet the qualifications of that after all. But, I was still coming down from a panic about her safety.

SkeetSkeet · 100+, F

Calling someones work is a bit extream after 5 hours. Nobody is getting gaslight in this situation. She properly needed some time to decompress.

NewMan2015 · 41-45, M

@SkeetSkeet I’d normally agree. But, this has been an established pattern we do for each other. Plus as I’ve responded to others, she has terrible night blindness and is prone to taking wrong turns because she’s terrible with directions. And her narcissistic ex-husband is a bit unstable (she’s a psych professional and has stated as such). But, she lives with him for the kids. There are many reasons why I’d be concerned. But, I’d not have known till today whether or not to be worried as she fell asleep.

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