Relationships are hard. He likely feels trapped. I get it. My gf was a legit narcissist, and living with her for 4 years made me feel the same as your son. I just packed up and left around $10,000 of goods at the house and will be paying her rent for 6 more months, and it is all a good sacrifice simply to be free of her manipulation, lies, and gaslighting and potential poisoning, but diff story.

Maybe hes not the one who needs help. Maybe its the wife. If she is toxic, then his reaxtions sound totally normal to me. He has suffered under her a great deal and simply can't take anymore.

It takes everything I have to not act deplorably towards my ex, meanwhile she's fine acting deplorably towards me. It takes immeasurable strength and endurance to behave honorably in such a situation.

Maybe your son needs understanding, space, and recovery time rather than a blanket judgement of his character.

I am hella projecting though. Of course I dont know the situation or his character or if it really is just him. Maybe he does need help.

But, if he is not accepting help, not much you can do. If someone is hellbound, the only thing you can really do for them is let them make their own choices, live with the consequences, and as youve done: accept it, and just provide support.

If he thinks you're on his side, thats probably going to be better for y'alls relationship, at least.

Good luck. Sounds like a pickle. Im glad i didnt have kids, or get married, because that makes it so nasty and tough. I hope it ends up as well as it can for all involved

P.s. love your username choice

His behaviour reeks of depressive resentment. "You can have the kids the house my money everything just leave me alone" is not healthy, right.

A lot of men who are dealing with profound emotional issues tend to just withdraw, become bitter, and refuse to engage in things that would be helpful like therapy because they're in full "protect myself" mode. It's extremely frustrating because it just spirals and makes people more distant and mean.

You're doing the right thing here. but after a point, he has to help himself.

I don't know if I believe in midlife crisis. Been divorced around that time and never felt the need to be young again. What I think is going on is two people married very young taking on too much responsibility much too fast. When you go from not having any responsibility to married, kids, house and all the stress that comes with it and not being mature enough to handle it (age independent), things will build up and blow up. You know from your own life experiences that no one just walks away. First, you are a father/mother for life regardless of custody meaning financial obligations at the least. The house also has responsibility. He signed for a loan. Even with bank possession, one is still responsible. And there are consequences of divorce itself. Someone needs to sit him down and explain what will happen if he continues this path. He will lose and lose big. There is no such thing as a clean slate here. And any future romance will never accept someone that just walks away. You're marked for life. I hope he wakes up quick.

If theyve been together 14 years its not likely to be immaturity.
Thats twice the length of many marriages.

Maybe you just have to accept they've reached the end of their road together.

All that stuff about leaving his children is possibly because she makes it a point of holding him hostage to them.
So if he says "Take everything i have, now i owe you nothing" it could be his way of accepting the fact he has very few choices in finding what he wants. Even if he knows exactly what it is

32, Wife, [b][i][u]Kids[/u][/i][/b], House??

How old was he when he got married? How long were they together prior to getting married?

He was already married with kids, before he figured out what he wants out of life, or before he figured that what he got out of life, is a tiny fraction of what someone should have gotten, [b][i][u]prior[/u][/i][/b] to starting a family. And that includes education,, experimentation with jobs, dating, sex, wild times, travel, and so forth and so on.

He wants to get caught up. Reality though, is that he's already got luggage, and his knee-jerk reaction is to drop the luggage off and freelance it for a while.

We only live once. I'm condoning his behavior, just saying that confronting him with all his bad choices, is a bad idea.

Yes, I've heard of this, too many times. Men and women do it.

You may want to help him out, make the best choices, within the parameters he's already set out to explore, to see if you can contain the emotional and family damage that you know is going to happen.

I had a couple of extremely successful colleagues, who dad, one day got up and left. Decades later, they located him (when they were very successful tech entrepreneurs). He was living 5 minutes from them, and one of the most successful attorneys in the state.

Happened to my ex as well. His dad picked up and left, when she was 4, leaving a 21-year old wife, homeless. After our kid was botn, she asked me to hire an agency to locate him. He's been in and out jail, a few times, had gotten married a couple of times, had other kids. Not once tried to contract, even though he was also living 5 minutes away. My Kids never met their their grandfather, and I don't want them to.

I believe he may need to talk to someone. Sounds like he may be severely depressed to just walk away from everything. Keep talking to him and giving him your advice. I deal with mental illness myself.....I have for years.

My thoughts. He is not going through a midlife crisis. Which btw, I believe begins around 40. He would be going after a shiny new object if he was. Like a new sportscar. People that give everything up are often suffering from depression. Have him go find out. That's my recommendation.

How long have they been married. Maybe he thinks he missed out on his 20s and he wants that time back as a single man.

This sounds like he is depressed and doesn't know what to do :(

There also might be some part to the story you don't know that is making this decision so easy.

My Middle brother has disowned us, his family. He wont talk to our mom, me or my oldest brother. His wife says he has been unable to explain his behavior. He says his own family can do as they please but he wants nothing to do with us. Until he changes, he is dead to me.
I will never understand why people just suddenly flip. I think my brother has been possessed for a long time. Your son may be "Oppressed" by something telling him he does not need them. Dunno.

You are wise to suggest counseling. It seems like his anger and depression are unfocused now, seeking every possible target. A better understanding of his emotions and what is driving them might help him prioritize what matters most.

It sounds like he is going through a depressive state. I will pray for him and you.

Sure. You can go through an existential crisis at any age. What you’re describing sounds more like depression though. I don’t have any recommendations, though other than what you’re already doing about, encouraging him to seek counseling and when you talk to him, reinforcing love, supportiveness, that the kids wouldn’t be better off without him, pointing out positive things he’s done with/for the kids.

Maybe needs psychological help. Hope he gets the help he needs.

Best wishes to you and your son.

No...but

Sounds like impulsive thoughts to me. He's surely mentally overwhelmed by these huge changes. Even potentially overstimulated. We think and feel alot of things under such circumstances that probably will not be lasting feelings. He's having a rough time and you're being a great mom by wanting to understand him 💖

You don't mention his work life, is that OK - is he happy with that and not home life, are both bad?

Therapy yes for him and

You mention controlling DIL that is no fun after work, trust me I know... therapy for her too

Sorry for your worries...

Do you know why they split up?

Sounds like he’s absolutely broken by it all, can bring you to rock bottom, stress from a marriage break up can be devastating.

He can't stand her and feels they're both better off without each other. Forcing people to stay together isn't always a good option, being stuck in a situation you want out of can make it go from dislike to despise everything and everyone associated with it

It is def possible for a man in his early 30's to go through crisis. especially i he's going through divorce. It's not your job to analyze him. It's your job to nurture him as a mother. It sounds like he is having suicidal thoughts to be honest.

I would think he needs to see a Dr, get a head CT and some labs done to see if there is an organic reason behind his sudden personality shift

Doesn't sound like mid life crisis
But yes he needs a therapist but she probably does too
Try to just advise but also be careful since you may push him away and further down the rabbit hole

I don't know about a mid age crisis. Sounds too early for that but breakups can be extremely hard. They shake you from within to the core and make you do the unthinkable.

Your kids are always your kids no matter how bad they break your heart. You know some of the shit I have gone through with mine and I have no wisdom for you.

Sounds like he needs a break and some time alone

That is a quarter-life crisis. There is a crisis for every age group.

Sounds like he needs a spanking.

Not immature behavior. Selfish behavior.

I was very irrate
With my should have been 'soon' to be wife and i ended up having a brain tumor. We had already seperated by the time i found out anout the egg sized brain tumor.

Pray for him

Does he have a girlfriend? Is he suicidal? Bipolar?

When he said his wife could have the money, house and kids....it made me think he might be suicidal.

First off, I'm no doc, shrink or anything like that, and obviously I don't know him (neither how he was before or now) or his former partner, so perhaps what I'm about to say isn't really applicable... but it's what I can dig up from what I read.

I think the clue lies in this piece here you said:
[quote]leave them all to some better life which he says [u]they will have without him[/u][/quote]

He doesn't reason it with "because I just don't want 'em" or something like that, but seemingly thinks he'll be bad for them. Again, don't know how he was before, but it sounds like his confidence and self-worth is shattered. Whether that's how he has always been, a consequence of what has happened after they split, or even a result of the fights or whatnot that led up to the split is impossible for me to say.

But... he's a grown man. If he refuses therapy, well, there ain't gonna be therapy. I do hope he finds his way to therapy though.

In terms of worry, it really is worrying that he is willing to leave practically everything behind. In terms of figuring out what has brought him so low, I don't think the question is "why do you want to leave everything behind?" but rather "why do you think they're better off without you?"

It raises so many questions (some of which you probably already know the answer for as you know them): Has his former partner said or done something that makes him feel like he is a waste of a person (even if untrue)? Heck, has she gaslit him to a point where she's convinced him he's a bad human? Has he done something that he feels is bad and regrets, and that makes him feel that way? Assuming the kids are old enough, has she managed to make the kids say something bad to him and maybe even turned them against him?

Not knowing him though there really isn't much I can offer of more concrete advice. Perhaps if he does not wish to go to therapy, there might be some value to seeking a therapist yourself... not to heal yourself (although it might turn out to be a good balancer for what is a time of distress for you too) but to seek advice on how to best be there for him, for the kids, and how to best interpret the situation and signs you are getting?

Sorry I can't be of more use. I do wish you and your family the best and hope that it'll turn out for the best (well, as good as a messy break with kids involved can be).

I don't. I wish I could help. I've heard of parents regretting having kids. All the same, I have never desired to have them myself, but I HAVE BEEN divorced and the wanting to just start completely over is real.

We never know how long we are going to live so maybe it is his midlife crisis. He sounds depressed. I don't think that defines who is is as a person.

Ffs the wife could be bat shit crazy and he's had enough.

I'm sorry that I can't add any useful insights. The pressures on younger people seem to be way too much lately though. The world isn't a healthy place.

He ok? Sounds like a breakdown.

Technically speaking, a midlife crisis can happen whenever a man becomes aware of his own mortality.

Sounds more like a depression than a midlife crisis.

This is not normal behavior, You need to contact a Barrister or someone that can get him committed and get professional help.