Have any of you experienced, or heard of….

…men going through a midlife crisis at the age of 32?
I always thought it happened later in life, but maybe not…?
So, in November my son and his wife split up and while they BOTH are being so very immature and acting despicably to each other (it has been so very ugly and nasty!) but my son is exhibiting some VERY disturbing thoughts, desires and actions. He’s not even the man I thought I knew. (For example, the latest is that he is going to just walk away from her AND the kids…says she can have his money, the house, everything in it, the kids…he will give up, and leave them all to some better life which he says they will have without him)
I am trying so very hard to determine whether or not this is really who he is or if it could be something more, something deeper in him.

I am absolutely heartbroken by his behaviours and I feel the need to understand it on some level.
And yes, I am imploring him at every turn to get some therapy/help and fight someone to talk to…I’m not just accepting this as it is, at least not until I have exhausted all options and am left with no other choice but to accept it 🤦‍♀️

Have any of you some insight or wisdom you might share? Something perhaps I hadn’t thought of??
I need some help on this one

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PirateMonkeyCabinet · 36-40, M

First off, I'm no doc, shrink or anything like that, and obviously I don't know him (neither how he was before or now) or his former partner, so perhaps what I'm about to say isn't really applicable... but it's what I can dig up from what I read.

I think the clue lies in this piece here you said:

leave them all to some better life which he says they will have without him

He doesn't reason it with "because I just don't want 'em" or something like that, but seemingly thinks he'll be bad for them. Again, don't know how he was before, but it sounds like his confidence and self-worth is shattered. Whether that's how he has always been, a consequence of what has happened after they split, or even a result of the fights or whatnot that led up to the split is impossible for me to say.

But... he's a grown man. If he refuses therapy, well, there ain't gonna be therapy. I do hope he finds his way to therapy though.

In terms of worry, it really is worrying that he is willing to leave practically everything behind. In terms of figuring out what has brought him so low, I don't think the question is "why do you want to leave everything behind?" but rather "why do you think they're better off without you?"

It raises so many questions (some of which you probably already know the answer for as you know them): Has his former partner said or done something that makes him feel like he is a waste of a person (even if untrue)? Heck, has she gaslit him to a point where she's convinced him he's a bad human? Has he done something that he feels is bad and regrets, and that makes him feel that way? Assuming the kids are old enough, has she managed to make the kids say something bad to him and maybe even turned them against him?

Not knowing him though there really isn't much I can offer of more concrete advice. Perhaps if he does not wish to go to therapy, there might be some value to seeking a therapist yourself... not to heal yourself (although it might turn out to be a good balancer for what is a time of distress for you too) but to seek advice on how to best be there for him, for the kids, and how to best interpret the situation and signs you are getting?

Sorry I can't be of more use. I do wish you and your family the best and hope that it'll turn out for the best (well, as good as a messy break with kids involved can be).

DDaverde · 61-69, M

@PirateMonkeyCabinet
Well written !

ImpeccablyImperfect · 51-55, F

@PirateMonkeyCabinet thank you. Yes, he has been saying that she keeps telling him that he’s a bad father and bad husband, and tonight he told me that she finally got to him and he is just going to resign himself to that fact.

Now, that’s what he said at the beginning of our talk and by the time we left, he had been crying and saying “I don’t want to leave my kids, mom!!”

So at least on some level, I feel it was a positive talk and there are steps being made. He has agreed to therapy. I can’t even tell you how grateful I am for that!!!
Thank you for your words

PirateMonkeyCabinet · 36-40, M

@ImpeccablyImperfect I'm glad to hear he does indeed not want to actually leave his children, and that he's coming around to the idea of therapy.

It's incredible how deeply it can cut to be told you are inadequate at being a parent or partner, and just how much it can wear one down. I feel bad for him going through that.

All things considered it sounds like you had a really good, constructive and bonding talk. You're doing great and it is a good thing he has you around.

Based on what you've said about the current state of things it'll be many long battles ahead for all of you. The two of them may have the deciding votes so to speak on the actual matters but it really does affect those around them too greatly. It can be really tough to be part of the supporting circle too, so don't forget to take care of yourself too in the times ahead.

ImpeccablyImperfect · 51-55, F

@PirateMonkeyCabinet thank you. Just thank you. I appreciate that a lot