How can I help my miserable partner?

And why is he still your boyfriend?

Honestly, all I can do is comment like so many others on here. You can't change someone and the only way he can get help is if he wants it, if he decides to get it. If he's drinking and smoking and getting abusive in any way, he's not trying.

I understand there is a connection there and partially the fear of being alone can be overwhelming, but honestly being alone and being lonely are two different things. You need to take care of yourself, your well being comes first. If he truly loved you, he'd be making attempts to get himself together.

I know what depression, self doubt, being jobless can do to oneself. I know the inner voices that nag and berate and tear down and even lie about what is and isn't going on. I fight a few of those myself. BUT, I am getting help, I fight it, not for anyone else, but for myself. It took me a bit to get there. Also, I never was abusive, just withdrawn.

If he doesn't get help, he'll be no good to himself or you and I'm afraid it'll only get worse. Also, telling him he needs help will only get under his skin. No one wants to hear that. It's a fine line to try and get someone to see they need help with out it backfiring.

You can't help him. He has to help himself and want to change. Those kind of people rarely do. You don't need to be around that.

He is depressed and on a downward spiral. Don't let him drag you down with him. If he wont accept your offers to help, then you might be a casualty of his depression as well. Good luck.

Are you afraid of feeling lonely after leaving this person?

My women leave me when I forget how I won their heart
woke me up every time

I know men who abuse their women for years and they just put up with it
I get left over drinking and taking pain meds ,,but I am in severe pain
they just left before doctors finally confirmed it
and I worked with 12 decompressed discs ,both knees shot
but I needed help to do it ,we had a lot to loose
and I always pay the bills ,my woman only works if she wants to

So I don't get yall ,,some stay through anything ,I get left for little things

I can just tell you from lots of experience ,,
as soon as they say "I want a divorce or I'm leaving "
My life flashes before my eyes and I go to begging

but my answer is always "to little to late "

but all but 1 of them has asked to come back ,,years later when they find out I am far from the worst jerk out there
But until now ,I have never wanted to do a do over but once
and I couldn't let it go
When she started bitching again I said "you asked to come back ,you are welcome to leave again " so I have not tried it again
But now another ex wants to come back ,,I still love her
I am once again considering another chance
She will be the 1st I prayed to come back that has if we get back together

I am sorry you are having to endure that ,
I bet "I am gone " would fix that ,or he is not worthy of you're time anyway

Step one; help yourself. I am sure the abuse makes you feel you don't deserve better

Step two, find him a therapist or do couple counseling.

You could help him best by leaving, at the moment your facilitating him.

Agreed with @Uncle,, but since you poise the question, and i'm JUST asking,, do you or would you feel that you're part of the equation? I'm experiencing some weird vibes with the wifey, and, i do not think i'm the root problem, but what if i'm a contributing factor?!

Lots of partners are jobless. The 'paranoid' bit isn't as a consequence of !
So where has that come from ?

If he can afford to drink and smoke he could possibly afford to compromise on it and attempt to do something positive either for himself or for you !

Sounds to me like he has himself in a 'comfortable' rut !
The perfect excuse for not attempting anything and wallowing in the resulting misery while using blame as a defence against trying !

Tell him that he needs to refuel his head ! He needs a cause to get behind or fight !
There are loads of positive vibe things he could do for other people let alone himself !
Sometimes you can do small things for folk who can't do them for themselves and that can seriously boost your self esteem.

Talk to him about maybe visiting older relatives or maybe just older folk you know.
This will give him social interaction with the added benefit of making him feel useful.

Not much you can do, other than attempt to save your soul.

you can probably help him if he wants to change if he has no interest in changing his own life then you have no hope. it is not possible to change people against their will. I am so into psychologists because i have seen it do fantastic things to a person i keep haveing that hope.

That's horrible but he shouldn't be taking it out on you... Probably the one good thing he has and he could potentially loose that cause if it doesn't change soon you have to get out for yourself, you can't just hold on and hope he gets better, not everybody changes.
His self esteem needs to change and that is hard work, alcohol is getting in the way of that work, he has to face reality at some point or he will die like this.
Something has to click in his head, there's no specific answer for something like this but he's not trying, he's given up, you can't be with someone who won't even try.
I struggle severely with my self esteem, I know what its like to be in his shoes, I used to be an alcoholic.
There's always worse things in this world and hes wallowing in self pity.
The only thing I can think of is getting him to watch shit loads of inspirational and motivational YouTube videos, drill it in to his head until he sees that hes the only one who can change and that it is 100% possible, cause it is whether he believes it at this point or not

You Should Leave Him This Sounds Like An Unhealthy Relationship

yikes.

a better question might be: how can you help you?

i hope everything will be okay for you.

Unfortunately for you, he has to make his own happiness

Sounds like an unhealthy relationship :/

Sounds like too many personal issues, and not ones that you can or should attempt to fix. If he doesn't fix them he'll just get more resentful down the line, sounds like he needs to get himself together and work on himself for a couple of years.

Time to find a new one, verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse and sometimes it actually turns physical. Put on the sexiest thing u own and walk right on out the door

assuming he is of similar age, he's not going to change

I was quite insecure / jealous when I was younger..I grew out of it. It is just destructive and will end your relationship.

Do you love him? Have you cheated on him? Do you keep secrets from him?

you can't help him.
he has to hit rock bottom and then rebuild himself

don't let him take you with him

have 1 talk with him if you want to - and tell him to get help or you're gone

and be prepared to leave

How long has he been without a job, has he been looking for work?

Leave him. Not worth living with him.let him find himself first

He is your addiction. YOU need to go to rehab.

Talk to me. I can help with this

Why you with him?

a sad situation

You seem bright and bubbly, make sure he doesn't bring you down to a bad place with him.

The old saying is true... Misery loves company.

I would leave that relationship. He's not worth it and abusive isn't good.

Move on

Help yourself & ship out..

He is ripe for you to become his MASTER/Mistress and totally dominate him..

You could help yourself by ending the relationship. It’s just not worth sticking around with useless men

Honestly? Give him a loving bj. Hear me out. Then say, "Honey I love you but you have been in a rut for months. If you don't find a way out of it, I'm not going to stick around while you take it out on me. But if you do pull it together, I'm be there to help you, grow with you and fvck your brains out"

Frankly, it's not your job. You cannot get someone's shit together for them, and you can't have a stable relationship with an unstable person.

Dump his ass.