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Husband likes to dancing with me, to see if women flirt with him

My husband of 25 years just recently informed me that when we go dancing, he doesn’t particularly loves to dance with me but he likes to see if other women check him out.
To hear this, broke my heart. I honestly thought that it was a bonding activity for him as well. Dancing with him made me feel loved and desired.
Now, I do not feel like going dancing with my husband ever again. Which is a shame since we are both ok dancers.
Anyone has any advice or a similar experience?

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Nanori · F

During sex tell him the only reason u have sex is because you record it and sell it to strangers otherwise you'd have no reason to do it with a micro penis.

Or tell him you only dress up and take care of yourself to see how many men check u out.

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Eddiesolds · 61-69, M

@Nanori oh shit!! Lmfao

TheOrionbeltseeker · 36-40, M

@Tengo Or probably you yourself are that men who knows.

caesar7 · 61-69, M

@Tengo The opposite for me. My wife is the jealous type and she will confront a woman who gets too close. Just the way she is.

SnailTeeth · 36-40

You're obviously hurt.
Even if you repress this now, it will probably come out later.
Maybe work on framing this in a positive, constructive way.
If you don't think it was intentionally hurtful, or even if you think it was, it doesn't make either true.
If you focus on the bad, it often blots out the good.

Whether you like it or not, this trauma is now on the ledger, and it's equally hurtful as any other.
I think you need to find a way to either accept or discuss this, before it turns into a sandbag during an argument.
You might even need to sit quietly, uncomfortably, and really hammer out how much you value each other.

If he's not ready to discuss, leave it be. But be persistent without nagging. Try not to let this turn into aggression/depression, that really doesn't fix or solve anything. If you're ruminating, then it probably means you need to make a serious effort to figure out why. It might be time to consider counselling, either single or couples.

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SnailTeeth · 36-40

@Tengo Maybe you don't need to solve it right away. Maybe the time will come, when he's finally had time to mull things over and process them (with the occasional reminder), that he'll finally be ready. I think relationships often require great patience, and we almost always never appreciate each other as much as we wish we could. If you don't think he intentionally meant it as hurtful, it might've just been a poor joke with bad taste.

Tengo · 46-50, F

@SnailTeeth indeed, I am certain he didn’t say it to hurt me but that it is his truth. Probably many men would like some spice after 25 years of marriage. I cannot control his feelings but I would like not to feel so hurt by his words.

SnailTeeth · 36-40

@Tengo I could hypothesise. I could argue it was self-deprecation, and postulate he just wanted to see you roll your eyes and chuckle at the absurdity. I wasn't there, I didn't here the tone, I didn't see it, I didn't experience it. And even if I did, I'm sure I could convince myself of the worst thoughts if that's what I habitually wanted to think about someone. I don't know what's going on behind your closed doors. I don't know either of you personally. And even if I did, I could still be just giving a response echoing whatever distortions I'm battling.
It's understandable to feel hurt, or overlooked. But I don't think you need someone else to help you finish feeling that in order to work with it. I don't think confession always yields vindication or catharsis, at worst it's sometimes underwhelming in comparison to what we were expecting, esp. if our expectations of the answer are ambiguously lofty, or overly rigid.

I do think talking about it works as a sounding board to process things though. I think finding a neutral confidant, who won't try to sensationalise or spin things is helpful. I think maybe you're just processing this, and I hope it doesn't snowball into more. Sometimes familiarity is the most opulent luxury we take for granted.

Convivial · 26-30, F

What a bastard... Next time you're dancing, tread all over his feet and make him look clumsy ;)

Lanie78 · 46-50, F

So sorry to hear that. To make you think/pretend that he enjoyed it then tell you otherwise is cruel. A betrayal of sorts. You're worth more than that, Never forget it. Stay strong chick 💪

Scribbles · 36-40, F

What a dick! That's concerning. I'd have felt upset too.

Have you told him how that makes you feel?

Tengo · 46-50, F

@Scribbles i did, i am an open book. It didn’t go very welll as he told me he cannot change.

Scribbles · 36-40, F

@Tengo Wow, he's not even going to try?

Your husband is a dick, since he cares more about hurting his wife's feelings and using her for a quick ego boost from other women. I'm really sorry he treats you that way. It's not right.

Timetoo · 51-55

I am sorry that you heard him say this. He was truly serious, yes? I can see a husband saying this as a joke or a tease. You say he likes seeing other men checking you out? At least that makes sense. I think every man likes to see other men looking at the woman he is holding hands with or sharing a drink with. Gives him a feeling that he did good. What he said was hurtful and wrong and I am sorry you had to go through that. Don't let his words bring you down.

MellyMel22 · F

I’m gonna second what Nanori said

PepsiColaP

People want to be wanted , it isn't weird he enjoys that . But did he confess that to you because he trusts you and feels comfortable being open/honest that way or to hurt you/upset you knowing you would feel hurt by that? It is more so the intentions /context of him admitting to that for me than what he said rlly

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SW-User

Nah that’s a vague outlook to have re commitment

Different hats for different cats

That’s for sure … lol being so passive when it comes to a relationship is borderline swingers …

Admiration on the other hand … that’s different 😌✨@PepsiColaP

PepsiColaP

@SW-User agree to disagree haha

SW-User

😎🤭😄@PepsiColaP

revenant · F

Wow. He could have kept that piece of info for himself.

perceptivei · 36-40, F

@revenant Either he wasn't thinking, or he was intentionally trying to hurt her. 😞

revenant · F

@perceptivei nasty

perceptivei · 36-40, F

@revenant I hope he didn't mean it.

SW-User

How serious was he? Maybe he didn't mean this as seriously as you are taking it?

perceptivei · 36-40, F

@SW-User Maybe he was jealous of men looking at her! 🫢

SW-User

@perceptivei very possible!

BeJeweled · F

Its too bad you didnt know this before you married him.
He needs to know how this has crushed you and that its changing your feelings towards him.
I'd suggest getting counseling to get him to realize the hurt he has caused.
You can always give him an ultimatum that you will leave him if he doesn't stop.
He's an insensitive prick and you deserve much better. He has shown he has zero respect for your feelings. Is he really worth it?

REMsleep · 41-45, F

Depending on context that statement from him sounds careless and ignorant and selfish.
Is this a pattern from him? If so you have larger issues. If he is just being an idiot and is generally a good caring husband then its possible that he spoke stupidly and didn't mean it in the way that it sounds. You know your husband so only you would know. Does he have a wondering eye in general? Midlife crisis?
Either way if he truly insinuated that the main reason to go dancing with you is for other women to check him out he is a jerk for saying that and I don't believe that playing games is wise.

Tell him directly that what he has today might not be what he will have tomorrow so he needs to choose his actions and words carefully from here on out.

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ElRengo · 70-79, M

@REMsleep
As I´ve said and more cos of pragmatics than cos... whatever higher I trend to agree with you.
Have even so some hard 2nd thoughts about.
That is precisely the respect for being in a marriage what he is not having.
And that what IMO (just IMO of course) makes a LTR of value (and so respectable) is what yo do about and not the other way round.
May be I´m personaly biased by my experiences.
When in a relationship I never had eyes for any other woman and neither even been aware of if they gave me that kind of attention.

REMsleep · 41-45, F

@ElRengo Thats admirable and increasingly rare.

ElRengo · 70-79, M

@REMsleep
Thank you so much!
Not a virtue, even so.
There is no special merit in doing things like I want them to be.

DrWatson · 70-79, M

Have you told him how this news affects you?

In your reply below, you say that he likes seeing men check you out. Maybe he assumes that you like it if he gets similar attention from women, and so he has absolutely no idea how hurtful his comment was for you.

Tengo · 46-50, F

@DrWatson no, he knows I don’t like to flirt or seduce other men because I find it immoral. I don’t want to make a man lose his time with me since nothing will happen as long as I am married. I know flirting can be like a game but I feel uncomfortable pretending. I am an open book and don’t play game, especially with other people’s feelings. My husband would like me to feel less serious about it and flirt like anyone else. He won’t agree for me to have a relationship with someone else but told me that if men ate interested in me, it makes me a woman (and not a mom for example).

DrWatson · 70-79, M

@Tengo In that case, I would say that he is not being very respectful of you at all.

SW-User

Sounds like a man with a very big ego.

perceptivei · 36-40, F

@SW-User I agree

Carissimi · F

Now you know what he thinks of you. Heartbreaking, yes, but better you know the truth about how he really feels about you.

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perceptivei · 36-40, F

@Carissimi I hope it isn't true.

Tengo · 46-50, F

@perceptivei no, no argueing, just answering the psychologists’ question if he enjoyed going out to dance together as much as I do (did).

perceptivei · 36-40, F

@Tengo Urgh. He was trying to hurt you. Whatever. I don't believe him.

Everyone is worried about change. He noticed men looking at YOU! Or, he's afraid it might happen.

He's mean for saying that. But, you know him better than we do. Is he always mean? If not, find out why he's feeling so insecure.

goliathtree · 56-60, M

I like seeing if other women check me out. It helps me know who is deranged.

In all seriousness, we all hope someone is looking, but for him to put it to you that way is shitty. He should be thinking, I hope someone is checking out this nice gal who is dancing with me!

SW-User

That's awful

DunningKruger · 61-69, M

What a tool.

ElRengo · 70-79, M

If I were in your (reciprocal) place and my wife (I once had one) had told me something even remotely near to this what I would celebrate in a year more would be the 1st aniversaryof our divorce.

Teslin · M

WTF !!!

StevetheSleeve · 31-35, M

Wow. I hope you let him know how that made you feel.

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Tengo · 46-50, F

@StevetheSleeve he lacks self confidence and is always looking for recognition, in anything he does.

StevetheSleeve · 31-35, M

@Tengo Oh. But he should know you better than to talk to you like that.

Tengo · 46-50, F

@mynameisbradley I won’t. I am looking for friends to go dancing with me. I always try to remember that we are responsible for our own happiness but I am very disappointed that I didn’t catch that for 25 years.

deadgerbil · 26-30

I don't blame you for not wanting to dance with him. Sorry, but he sounds like an absolute idiot. Idk why people like him think it's ok to say that stuff to begin with

Mamapolo2016 · F

That hurts. I'm sorry.

I have to wonder what would possess him to say it. Was he upset with you, before?

Tengo · 46-50, F

@Mamapolo2016 no, it happened during a counseling session where we had to say what we love to do together. The psychologist asked him if he shared my love for dancing together. He then gave a reply I was not expecting and made my heart shatter in a million pieces.

Mamapolo2016 · F

@Tengo Makes me sad for you. My ex-husband had a habit of saying such things. It stings.

I hope the counselor can help.

MyNameIsHurl · 41-45, F

Dang what age do men stop being sleazebags? I'm trying to hold out but I'm thinking late 80s

Eddiesolds · 61-69, M

Tell him to go dancing alone. How could he say that? I hope you slapped him.

Thevy29 · 41-45, M

Oh, go on. It would be interesting to see how long he can keep his gut in.

Virgo79 · 61-69, M

Tell him you've never noticed any😉🙂

Tengo · 46-50, F

@Virgo79 we live in Spain and women here don’t hesitate to flirt with men in front of their partners…

Virgo79 · 61-69, M

@Tengo damn! Ruins that idea😏

perceptivei · 36-40, F

That's really sad. Men are so unkind sometimes. 😔

Ghostinthemachine · M

Not nice
Not cool
I’m sorry
He’s a fool

SW-User

Just tell him how you feel about what he said.

mindless · M

I hope he was joking

Tengo · 46-50, F

@mindless nope, he was dead serious

Timetoo · 51-55

Do you ever have other men try to flirt with you when you are out dancing and having a good time? How does your husband respond when that happpens?

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Tengo · 46-50, F

@Timetoo he loves it.

Timetoo · 51-55

@Tengo does he tell you that or you can just tell by his reaction that he loves men flirting with his wife?

Timetoo · 51-55

@Tengo Do you think he flirts with other women as a way to get you to flirt with other men? Maybe as…. If I am doing it, it is ok for you to do it too. It seems that is something he wants you to do.