Husband likes to dancing with me, to see if women flirt with him

My husband of 25 years just recently informed me that when we go dancing, he doesn’t particularly loves to dance with me but he likes to see if other women check him out.
To hear this, broke my heart. I honestly thought that it was a bonding activity for him as well. Dancing with him made me feel loved and desired.
Now, I do not feel like going dancing with my husband ever again. Which is a shame since we are both ok dancers.
Anyone has any advice or a similar experience?

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SnailTeeth · 36-40

You're obviously hurt.
Even if you repress this now, it will probably come out later.
Maybe work on framing this in a positive, constructive way.
If you don't think it was intentionally hurtful, or even if you think it was, it doesn't make either true.
If you focus on the bad, it often blots out the good.

Whether you like it or not, this trauma is now on the ledger, and it's equally hurtful as any other.
I think you need to find a way to either accept or discuss this, before it turns into a sandbag during an argument.
You might even need to sit quietly, uncomfortably, and really hammer out how much you value each other.

If he's not ready to discuss, leave it be. But be persistent without nagging. Try not to let this turn into aggression/depression, that really doesn't fix or solve anything. If you're ruminating, then it probably means you need to make a serious effort to figure out why. It might be time to consider counselling, either single or couples.

Tengo · 46-50, F

@SnailTeeth thank you for your wise words. It was actually expressed during a counseling session. We had to stop the counseling because my husband says he has enough professional worries on his mind (it’s true he has a lot) and cannot deal with solving relationship problems right now. I must think how to solve this by myself but reading people’s comments help.

SnailTeeth · 36-40

@Tengo Maybe you don't need to solve it right away. Maybe the time will come, when he's finally had time to mull things over and process them (with the occasional reminder), that he'll finally be ready. I think relationships often require great patience, and we almost always never appreciate each other as much as we wish we could. If you don't think he intentionally meant it as hurtful, it might've just been a poor joke with bad taste.

Tengo · 46-50, F

@SnailTeeth indeed, I am certain he didn’t say it to hurt me but that it is his truth. Probably many men would like some spice after 25 years of marriage. I cannot control his feelings but I would like not to feel so hurt by his words.

SnailTeeth · 36-40

@Tengo I could hypothesise. I could argue it was self-deprecation, and postulate he just wanted to see you roll your eyes and chuckle at the absurdity. I wasn't there, I didn't here the tone, I didn't see it, I didn't experience it. And even if I did, I'm sure I could convince myself of the worst thoughts if that's what I habitually wanted to think about someone. I don't know what's going on behind your closed doors. I don't know either of you personally. And even if I did, I could still be just giving a response echoing whatever distortions I'm battling.
It's understandable to feel hurt, or overlooked. But I don't think you need someone else to help you finish feeling that in order to work with it. I don't think confession always yields vindication or catharsis, at worst it's sometimes underwhelming in comparison to what we were expecting, esp. if our expectations of the answer are ambiguously lofty, or overly rigid.

I do think talking about it works as a sounding board to process things though. I think finding a neutral confidant, who won't try to sensationalise or spin things is helpful. I think maybe you're just processing this, and I hope it doesn't snowball into more. Sometimes familiarity is the most opulent luxury we take for granted.