Let me start by saying when I read your story tittle, I was a little worried about the direction and question you were going to ask. But after reading your story and questions within it, I became compelled to answer with my own personal experience with this question.

I was born a man, and I identify myself as a man that has a serious love of cross dressing without wanting to be a female or any of the sexual transition stuff. I remain 100% male and 100% heterosexual in my dating and love life. But I cross dress to feel feminine and soft whereas in my life and career field I was hard and harsh and had to be hard as a professional soldier. I freely cross dress now in my life because I cannot be fired for it as I am retired, and it is my serious non medicated PTSD relief. So, I associate male with all the manly Hobbies things and interests that I have had loved and partaken in my entire life, and I have opened myself up to my feminine side to feel relief, compassion, love, and beauty again that got trampled and lost with 27 years in the military as well as a rough childhood with bloody beatings and mental abuse.

I hate that society feels it has to progress you into one "Box" to be checked on a form over just letting you be whom you want to be just so it can fill a flipping stat or label you with a certain "Code" or "Identity" just so society can feel good about your differentiating from the norm. I hate it.

I went out last Saturday to a LGBTQ bar dressed as Willa, because if I went to a straight bar the alcohol and folks that feel I should fit a certain box would have led to fights/assaults. And I sat with several Lesbian women that all said how great it was that I came out and was part of "Their" world, and when I shared well yes, I am cross dresser for PTSD relief reasons from life and career not going to drugs and alcohol, and that I remained 100% heterosexual in my love life/dating. Then I was looked at by them as if I was a strange weirdo where minutes earlier, they thought I was cool because they thought I was Gay/Bi. So, this identity and labeling shit really pisses me off. Can't we just be People? Why do I have to choose a box to make others to feel good about doing what makes me feel good and to have personal nonviolent non medicated (Drug/Alcoholic) relief from my past.

WHY? So, I totally understand your statement and question.

Sincerely,
William and Willa all in the same person.

I think it’s a bad idea to take something from a person you can relate to, and use your experience to make conclusions on how you wish they felt about things.
I’ve definitely done this. Not about gender, but other things.
You can relate to this person with their similar demeanor, and your shared experience of not strongly feeling a particular gender, and not let it unsettle you that you are fine being called and thought of as a man, even if you feel no connection to it, and they are not.

Yeah, this is a conversation that's going to get more attention the more we learn about trans issues. I've heard well-intentioned people say things like, boys don't need to transition, they can just be feminine boys. It's really a discussion about gender as a whole, what it means to be a man or a woman, diversity within a gender, things like that.

So a few things. First, gender is stupid. There is no right or wrong way to be a man or a woman, gender is culture that society assigns people based on their biological sex. Gender tropes have changed over time, they're different in different societies, they usually have little or nothing to do with biology.

That being said, some people just have a dire need to embrace the culture and identity of a gender, even if it wasn't the one assigned to them. Sometimes this is because of gender dysphoria, sometimes it's for other reasons. They just associated "being" a woman with a collection of tropes that speaks to them on a deeper level. It's very much an emotional not logical thing. But as long as it's not harming anyone, it's fine. It's kinda like how kinks are emotional not logical, and sometimes they are related to real-world problems, but we still don't fault people for playing out those kinks within a safe and consensual context. Maybe some people do transition because of real-world sexism that has assigned tropes to people, when actually gender and these tropes shouldn't exist. But I think it's ok to just let people transition, let them be happy, while we still try to eliminate sexism and gender as a whole.

Also, I'm happily a femboy. There will always be feminine males who don't want to transition. 😁

The way that I make sense of it is by trying to think of it as extroversion and introversion. There are people who definitely identify as extroverts, and people who definitely identify as introverts, but the reality is that most people fall somewhere in between. They're not going to display 100% of the symptoms 100% of the time.

Not all self-described introverts are going to be at home all the time reading books or watching movies. They can enjoy things like parties and concerts and gatherings. Sometimes introverts get lonely and want the company of others. Likewise, extroverts can want to have alone time and can tire of too much socialization. Ultimately, the label of introvert or extrovert is just a way that people can make sense of the way that they are.

But Oscar Wilde famously said that "to define is to limit". To try to put people into a certain box is going to bypass a lot of context and nuance. It ignores the fact that everybody is different. Unfortunately, definitions are also the most efficient way for one person to try to explain something to someone else. They are not objective measures of reality. They're just the most acceptable interpretation.

What some people might consider too spicy might be just the right heat level for someone else. What some might consider too cold might to others be perfect weather. Ultimately, they're just words, man. It's not the barometer for truth, it's just how one person sees the world. Best thing we can do is try to understand things from their point of view

It seems to me like this is causing you to do a lot of self reflection and it is somewhat uncomfortable for you. I'm glad you are being supportive.

A lot of people don't differentiate between gender and biological sex assigned at birth. You are part of a generation where such explorations, especially for men, have been greatly discouraged.

Why are you afraid of this trend? I would argue it is a good thing to encourage people to identify their gender identity, especially if it doesn’t align with the way society would define them as default by biology.

So it makes you question whether you should revaluate that last statement and that makes you uncomfortable.

These two statements seem a little contradictory:

If you feel like it shouldn't be necessary to have a gender identity at all, why should one include any type at all?

I don't have personal experience apart from body dysphoria but that is different from gender dysphoria. Since I don't understand all that gender stuff, I think like you do - that there are many types of men and women and in many parts of the world there's much more freedom of expression than there has ever been before.
Truth to be told, my opinion is that this is the fight everyone has to fight alone. Take responsibility and decide for themselves what is the right way to live for them. You can't tell them what to do, just watch them and hope for the best outcome.

Okay ... We are of similar minds on this subject. I do believe strongly in every person's right to live their truth and if your young family member feels better not being a man, then I support them in that.

Let me explain by talking a little bit about me first and my "womanhood" because MANY people have asked me very personal questions that are, honestly, none of their God-damned business, about my gender identity, sexual orientation, etc.

First, I'm physically fit. And strong. Stronger than your average girl. And, probably, stronger than your average guy. I've been studying martial arts since I was seven years old. I commissioned into the Navy at 22 and I've been in the field with Navy spec ops people. So if you looked at my arms or shoulders or back or legs, you would see obvious signs of someone who works out.

I also don't generally wear dresses or skirts. They just aren't my style. I wear a lot of jeans and tee-shirts in the summer. I wouldn't call my wardrobe "masculine" so much as maybe "asexual". And I also wear very little make-up and most days none at all. My fiance's influence is starting to show in that I usually now do have clear nail polish on, but that is for her, not for me. And, I was blessed with small breasts which, under a tee-shirt, are barely noticeable.

So ... get the picture of me? Okay ... Now over the last ten years, I have had people ask me if I expressed as a womoan or a man? And what are my pronouns (because apparently it is ambiguous just from looking at me). I could scream. I am well aware that I am not the most feminine woman out there, but goddammit I am a woman. I have been since the day I was born and I don't like having to say so.

Now back to your story ... YES, there is a "social trend that tells" people "they are supposed to have a gender identity regardless of what their body is like." I tend to resist this trend. If someone inquires regarding who or what I am, my standard answer (as people here well know) is that I am just me. And if they then try to fit me into some neat little box so they can live their comfortable lives, they find that I am not cube shaped and don't fit into most boxes.

Support your young relative. If he/she/they is/are going through this, then they are likely in some internal turmoil and the last thing they need is external pressure. Reach out. Take them to lunch. Be an open adult willing to listen and to, when appropriate, share. Be kind; be a friend. 🫂

As much as I sympathize with your troubles (which I don’t share, I have several people around me who aren’t comfortable with the gender nature seems to have given them), I just want to point out one thing: I feel quite strongly that I’m a man. It’s a small point perhaps, but still. It’s always hazardous to assume that others function the same way you do.
I wish you and your family member all the best!

My general thought is that it is easy to be kind and refer to people how they wish to be referred to.

Seeing yourself in someone else is something you have to be very careful about. They are still their own person no matter how many similarities exist. If this person turned out to be a serial killer, would that cause the same cognitive dissonance in you? I doubt it would. So why let these lesser things bother you? They are not reflections upon yourself but the marks of distinct identity that makes them individual from you.

In this case in particular, if this person isn't considering surgery or permanent alterations then I wouldn't worry too much about it. They are exploring the space before making rash decisions, which is a good thing. I've known people who have explored the space and decided that no, that's not really them. I've also known others who have explored the space and it felt right and they decided to go further. In neither case was it people pressuring them into one path or another that made them decide. In both cases they remained appreciative of the people who offered patient support while they explored their identity.

You know, there are millions of people who feel this way. And when I hear this, my advice is to be who you are, not what the world expects you to be. You have to be at peace with yourself or you'll never find happiness.
I also don't see this as a "decision". We are who we are the moment we are conceived but it takes some people a lifetime to understand this, to accept this, to be ok with this - all because the world is such an ugly place.
It breaks my heart that people have to feel that way.

Your being supportive and understanding or trying to understand them.

Best thing let them be them, standup for them, keep doing what you're doing and always being willing to listen.

Society is always a changing thing. What was popular and cool in the 1825 might get thrown in jail in 2025 and vice versa.

Society is one of the few things things that never stays the same.

My question to you is why does their life bother you so much? They are adult, 30.. I don't understand and can't wrap my head around the fact of why it matters. It's their life and their business. I have 2 daughters and if one one then came to me right now and say that I am transgender I am getting the surgery or whatever my heart would not skip a beat because they are still the same person. My baby that I gave birth to. The same eyes that I look into, the same blood running through our veins. They have the same heart and the same values that I raised them with. So it would not matter to me. I would love and support them with anything and everything until my dying breath because they are still my child.

No hate - But try being more patient.

What they used to say about " biology is destiny" isn't totally false, but not absolutely true either. Few things are more uncomfortable than being in conflict with your own body. But half of gender identity comes down to the way we think and feel about ourselves.

There are many labels we can choose to wear or reject, but the one that matters most is Human Being. It takes time to understand everything that really means.

How can there be this 'social trend' you mention and at the same time ' doubt whether most people have any string sense of gender'. If it's a 'social trend' the surely by definition there are lots of people involved.

But regardless of that please just be supportive of him, or her, or they. Just because you can't find a gender identity doesn't mean that they cannot. It also doesn't mean that they are necessarily making a positive statement of identifying with a specific label. They are questioning the label that society has applied to them and that they probably for most of their lives have accepted.

You don't need to worry. Just be supportive.

Well you are you and she is she. Gender appears to be fluid. She just flowed more female. You may be projecting some of your issues on her because you love her and identify with her. I'd just be happy that she feels comfortable in her own skin and support her journey to finding out who she is.

We are the sex we were born to,is my opinion, that doesn't mean all people don't deserve respect.
Adolescents is a hard time and everyone struggles with identy at that time in one way or another.
I do believe social influences are huge and sometimes cause confusion and dissatisfaction with one's self identity, especially among the young.

I think you are mistaken in identifying so much with this young person. There is a major difference between being a gentle male and being a biological male who identifies as a female. They are no the same thing -- one being an outlook on life and how you react to it, the other being a gender identification.

If you cannot empathise you can sympathise. It may not be something you can fully understand but I am sure you see the struggles that go with gender issues.

You say you will be supportive, that’s all you ca do really.

I believe that part of the weakening of society is the denial of god. I am not talking about dogma. I am talking about the fundamental idea of a higher power and a purpose and destiny for each human life. What we are is given to us at birth. The idea that that can change seems hubris to me. Be homosexual or lesbian or neither but the idea that you choose your sex and alter your body seems an abomination to me. People have confusion. Life is about figuring it all out. Along the way try not to make permanent decisions because life is in constant flux and so too can be our ideas about who we are.

I hope he finds whatever he is looking for, but remember any illness is not something one should condone, you should support but not embrace if that makes sense.

If your cousin says they are not a man I’d take them at their word .

I am afraid I don't have any thoughts on this. Have a nice weekend.

Thank you everybody for a whole bunch of thoughtful and kind answers! You are collectively buttressing my faith in humanity, or at least in SW :) <3

no hate, that agenda has been nullified with love

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