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Should I pay my narcissist brother back?

I stole from him because my life is not going well, and I am currently struggling so hard to pay my medical/pet bills. I regret it, and it's my first time ever stealing from someone. He stole big money from my parents in the past, borrowed money from random people but never paid anyone back, and he got away with it coz "he's family, and their son". Now he's angry that it happened to him and claims I stole an amount bigger than what I actually stole, which I have proof that he's wrong. For anyone who don't know, everyone in my family are narcissists, and I live with them, and I'm currently being condemned, and forced to pay that amount. I'm the family scapegoat, and it's so unfair that were both treated so differently. Should I or shouldn't?
Scribbles · 31-35, F Best Comment
I know the feeling of being the scapegoat in the family. And having anger taken out on me rather then the person they were upset at. And others getting special treatment, etc.

My advice: Be true to yourself.
Don't try to tip the scales of justice one way or the other with your behavior and choices, or excuse your behavior and choices because someone else got away with it, or because they are a crap person. It's easy to feel like you want to fair by taking. It's very easy to take this too far. To take and take and take to try to get what you feel you are owed because people abused and took and took from you. You can get yourself in trouble on that path. So be careful.

Do what is right to you for your own sake. Pay him back or don't for your own sake. Because no matter what you do, they'll be reminding you that you are thief until they die. They won't care of you try to make it right or not. There is no winning by their standards. So you have to decide what is good for your own wellbeing here.

At the end of the day you have to live with your self and your decisions. That can be hard in the moment with emotions running high. And knowing they are crap people.

Objectively speaking: Do you want to be someone who does not pay someone back? Or do you want to be the kind of person who does pay someone back?
bittersweethermit · 36-40, F
@Scribbles Thank you for this. I've already decided to pay him back once I get a job since I know within myself that I'm not him. I'm just upset of always getting the short end of the stick while he always get away with things because he's my mom's favorite. I'm glad someone else understands me, and is not judging me
Scribbles · 31-35, F
@bittersweethermit It's always ok to vent. Sometimes I just have to vent about things too.

You stole from him?
His issues are no reason for you to be that person.
bittersweethermit · 36-40, F
@nonsensiclesnail But he never paid my parents back, and he did a lot worse...why does he have to get special treatment?
@bittersweethermit you can do the right thing or not. The right option exists outside of who he is. This is about you.
This message was deleted by the author of the main post.
Sidewinder · 36-40, M
Paying back a narcissist is like putting out a campfire with gasoline.
cherokeepatti · 61-69, F
@Sidewinder great analogy
bittersweethermit · 36-40, F
@Sidewinder You took words out of my mouth
4meAndyou · F
You must write him an IOU, and when you have the money, pay him back the actual amount that you stole from him. WITH the IOU, write a short note of apology, explaining why you needed the money so desperately.

Ignore his lies about the amount. He is not a good person because he steals regularly.

I advise you NOT to use a cretin as a role model.
bittersweethermit · 36-40, F
@4meAndyou I decided to pay him back once I get a job. I already told them plenty of times why I stole in the first place, but they can't accept it since they all have this black and white thinking. I stole but I know in myself that I'm not like him. I'm just going to ignore them once I've paid the right amount and move on.
pdockal · 56-60, M
If you stole it you should return it unless HE owes YOU
Didn't matter what his situation is with others
pdockal · 56-60, M

That's up to you & had nothing to do with the issues you've presented
bittersweethermit · 36-40, F
@pdockal How is it up to me? Why was I even born in this family to begin with?
pdockal · 56-60, M

That's life
Either stay or go
Your choice (that's how is up to you)
novaguy2u · 70-79, M
Two wrongs don't make a right.
bittersweethermit · 36-40, F
@novaguy2u True but nobody's perfect
Ontheroad · M
Hmmmm, this is about you... right? I know it's easy to justify one's actions by saying well, look at Johnny (or in this case, your brother), but it does not change what you did.
bittersweethermit · 36-40, F
@Ontheroad Well, he did the same thing. I'm just treated like chopped liver that's all
Ontheroad · M
@bittersweethermit I get that, and no, it isn't right that you are being treated differently. However, that does not change what you did from wrong to right. It doesn't matter what I think, what your brother thinks, or what anybody else thinks. You need to do what is going to make you feel right.

If you want to feel good about the mess, start with feeling good about yourself.
Iwantyourhotwife · 22-25
This sucks

I advise you ask for forgiveness and if he does not allow it, return it respectfully

This is sad to hear because he should be helping you if he has money
bittersweethermit · 36-40, F
@Iwantyourhotwife They're all forcing me to apologize and he wants me to so he can feel superior. In all my life, he never apologized once to me during those times he had shamed, and bullied me, and what's worse is my mom allowed it. He's the golden child who can never do wrong. I'll return the money that I took not the amount he's claiming but I'm not going to apologize
uncalled4 · 56-60, M
Only if it makes YOU feel better. You will never, ever, in a thousand years be absolved of your sin where they are concerned. With narcs, you're unable to be absolved of sins you DID NOT commit.
bittersweethermit · 36-40, F
@uncalled4 That makes sense. I'm glad there's someone here who understands how narcissists are
uncalled4 · 56-60, M
@bittersweethermit I'll be honest, I wish we both didn't know.
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bittersweethermit · 36-40, F
@DarlingSelah Okay, I do want to pay him back but not right now, and it's just he's going to be smug about it forever...but how am I treated to a higher standard? I was clearly treated unfairly. Sorry for the dumb question

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