My wife of fifty years wont be coming home

Been there, twice. Not to that severe an extent with the dementia. But my soul mate of nearly 43 years of marriage and another decade before that was getting nasty towards the end. But I was able to manage the final days of home hospice care with visiting nurses stopping in daily. My subsequent partner of 10 years was beginning to show some signs of dementia towards the end, but it was her mobility issues and oxygen needs that I just wasn't physically up to managing 24/7 anymore and had to put her in Assisted Living. But most days I would go pick her up, bring her to the house for a nap with her cat, and then take her back. Initially, we would go through the pleading not to go back, which was hard, but then she became more accepting.

Assisted Living staff said I should never have been doing that on a regular basis; to let her get used to living there, establish friends, become accustomed. But it was my way of dealing with that sense of guilt that you mention, although I knew I was doing what was best for her. I wish I could tell you it goes away, but it hasn't in neither case for me. I still have flashes of remorse wondering if I could have done more for either, or both. Rationally I know I did my best; but emotions are not rational. You just need to find somewhere else to put your energy so you don't have as much time to wallow in self pity.

Couple of years ago my daughter-in-law lost both her parents in the space of a couple of months. Her mother had had dementia, but her father went first, not adequately dealing with his prostate cancer because he insisted on taking care of his wife at home as her dementia steadily got worse. She and my son were taking care of both in their final months. Afterwards they said "we never fully appreciated what you were going through".

Keep reminding yourself that your wife will truly be better cared for where she gets 24/7 fully-attentive care. Most of those who work in those places are truly angels. Retain those memories of her at her best, not those of her at her worst. And you can visit, where you can better put on a brave front for her in a short period of time, well rested.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm watching it happen to my father-in-law even at this moment. He is actually my ex father-in-law and my ex-husband lives very close by but I'm the secondary person who calls them all day and comes over and cooks and cleans. We each take a big part in his care Everyday. It's been very difficult.. I can only imagine I've had to watch his decline so I know you must have Felt helpless as well watching her go through this. It is a lot of patience And Finding some humorTo share and lighten things up is even difficult. it's a lot of emotion being the memories......Please don't feel bad for not feeling terrible about her going into a facility. There are risks of her harming herself accidentally unaware of her illness.. You've given her Dignity love and independence I'm sure. And the greatest love of all is with all your heart the most difficult decision to place her where she will get the best care for the rest of her life. Know that you are doing the right thing. And continue to be a presence that's the best I can contribute to you from my heart in this situation. Please be well and take care of you so you may be strong enough to be there for her in this time. I will pray for you both and for your family

I am so sorry this has happened, but I guess it's for the best. My wife is suffering from dementia and it's progressing rapidly, much more rapidly than the neurologist expected. We've been together 45 years and the thought that some day she will have to go into care is scary an d sad, but at the same time I know it will be for the best. I just don't want it to happen at a time when she'll feel betrayed, that we want her away from home. Even with her still here at home, some times the loneliness is overwhelming as she can no longer interact on any significant level.

After almost two weeks, she has had the successful hernia operation and spent over a week terrorizing the hospital staff. They were warned about her dementure, but didn't listen. After a week of refusing to shower or allow them to care for her and screaming at us to take her home the doctors finally ordered medication to allow her to dealt with. But she has rashes and had a fall, so there is bruising. We had to have her moved by ambulance because she wouldnt cooperate to get in a car and she is now in Respite care in a dementia unit and has just been weaning off the drugs...She hates both my daughter and myself and thinks she is in Scotland and her mother works in the place where she is.. My daughter has broken down twice already at how abusive she can be at times. But it is what it is.. We are looking at permanent residency there already. We did our due diligence and while she will never be happy. The place is modern and ticks all the boxes and the staff really to care enough to try and try again. And for her, thats about as good as its going to get..😷

My mother went down the Alzheimer's path and eventually was only laying in a bed. My wife two years ago had a massive stroke and never talked or moved for 5 months before passing away. These are life's difficulties...somehow we cope and find joy in life...

I really feel for you. Please be assured that you have done the best you could. And also that she is taken better care of now than you could have provided. Do not mind her outbursts as it is the ailment and not the true her.

And do take care of your daughter. As you have said, she had to face a lot and got poor returns fornher efforts. I am sure you continue to be the pillar of strength dad for her. She needs your strength and assurance, though she may not say it.

Don’t feel bad that she’s getting the help she needs. No matter how much you love someone, that’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself for so long.

Ouch! I take it it built up gradually.
Hopefully you can "recover" in peace.
Did they get you a referal for some help? You probably have some PTSD symptoms. I did when my wife was having psychotic episodes. When she left I did some camping up on the north shore by myself in my little tent with a box of little debbies and a good book in the rain. It was wonderful.

My deepest prayers as you manage this next stage..... There's no advice I can give, to take your pain, you did your best and it's best for her. I worked in senior care and in the dementia unit. The staff will know how to redirect her and keep her safe. They will have activities, sing alongs from music from her era, food suitable for her... A safe bed, put pictures of the family, things she loves, pillows, soft stuffed animals to love.... A shirt of yours to sleep in or soft pajamas... Comfort articles of clothing, a soft nightie, a warm bath robe... As the staff learn her, they will hug and love on her....

I’m so sorry to hear that , dementia is a horrible disease, luckily my aunt had the smile at everything type and lived many years with it but sadly had to be in an assisted living place where they gave her a lot of help and she stayed in her little apartment like room on her own, but they would check on her during the day at all times and would take her to dinner and all meals where she could actually remember to feed herself which I was very grateful for that she never lost the ability to do things for herself until her death at 96 from natural causes

Yes, very sad. You have my heartfelt condolences.
And chuck the guilt. You loved her, and you still love her. You're only doing what is absolutely necessary for both of you.
And God bless your daughter, too.

I'm so very sorry. But you shouldn't feel guilty for feeling free after things that are out of your control take such a toll on you on so many levels. You did your best. So rest easy knowing that.

God Bless you, my friend.

I have had friends that had to give up on the care of their parent(s) for the same reason, just know you did what is best for her and yourself in the long run.

God Bless you all.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, especially being so close to it for the 3rd time. I wish you and your daughter rest,replenishment and healing.

The various forms of demetia and other progressive brain diseases are so cruel.

The widow of my longest-time friend said to me after he'd died in the care home, after he lost even the ability to speak she could not know what he was thinking, or even if he still recognised her.

I know it’s a very sad thing for you but your wife will have professional to help you and her. It’s the best thing for you to do. I am sorry. 😞

Nobody wants this, I'm sorry you have to face this.

I'm heading to 3 decades of marriage and hearing stories like this fear me.

Im so sorry you and others on here are going thru this or have in the past.
My mom had it but she was the quiet, non complaining type
She was really sweet opposite of what she was like before the disease. It runs in families and I hope I dont go bat shit crazy and torment my husband or him me if either of us get it.
Again you have my deepest sympathies what you are going thru. I hope you are taking time for yourself to rejuvinate and know you did the best you possibly could.

Both of my grandmothers had Alzheimers. Can only imagine how hard it must be to see your spouse go through this.

Try to think of the happy days when you were young makes me so sappreciativy of my happy 59 years Try to think happy thoughts Really don't know what to say. So feel for you

I’m sad to hear this. It is a shift way for the partnership to end. If you could just remember the good times and know this person she is now is not who she really is. Idk. I can hardly imagine. Just hoping you find a good way to cope.

The nursing home will do the unpleasant stuff, and that means you can enjoy the beautiful moments with her, because the burden is taken away from you.

You need a break, too. Dont feel bad. you've done all you can, as has your daughter. Time for you to have a rest now.

Sad. 🙏🏼
You did well in taking care of her.
Do not feel bad and sorry.

You did your part safely, now she needs help.

Take care.
Bless you and your wife.

I am so sorry. You did all that you could do, and she will be well cared for.

My sympathies! My Dad died of dementia, and it almost killed my Mom.

Yes, but it's understandable..don't feel guilty.

My heart goes to you. God bless you with strength to get through this time. My prayers for you and your wife. 🙏

Even though it’s for the best this must be agonizing for you. Fifty years is quite the accomplishment .

I'm so sorry you've been going through that 🙁🌹

Sorry to hear this. All the best to you and your family.

I'm so sorry! That is truly sad.

i am so sorry you have to go through this. i can't imagine

I hate to hear it I'm so sorry

That's very very sad to read

Im so sorry. Life is cruel and dementia steals loved ones. Sending you strength

You did your part 💔

I am truly sorry.

So sorry. A hard decision but appears to be for the best

I am so sorry 💔😢😢😢😢 Sadly as we age it's something we all fear. I truly wish the both of you all the best.

🙏🙏🙏