My wife of fifty years wont be coming home

My partner has had a progressive dementia for some years now, and it isnt the vacant eyes, smiling at everything type. Its the nasty Scottish Glasgow fishwife, who flies off the handle at nothing type. Until now I have managed her, with a little help from my long suffering daughter (Why is it a mother always dotes on the son, when the daughter puts in all the effort?)
Anyway. My wife had to enter hospital for surgery on a hernia she has had for a long time, but ignored. And the successful surgery meant a stay in hospital that has exposed the worst in her, which we have been covering. Full details will not be given here. But she is being "managed" until she is healed enough to be transfered to a home with secure dementia care. I can no longer look after and be safe myself..
And the most horrible part of this is the relief I feel..Its a really $h*tty way for a wonderful partnership to end..😞

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dancingtongue · 80-89, M

Been there, twice. Not to that severe an extent with the dementia. But my soul mate of nearly 43 years of marriage and another decade before that was getting nasty towards the end. But I was able to manage the final days of home hospice care with visiting nurses stopping in daily. My subsequent partner of 10 years was beginning to show some signs of dementia towards the end, but it was her mobility issues and oxygen needs that I just wasn't physically up to managing 24/7 anymore and had to put her in Assisted Living. But most days I would go pick her up, bring her to the house for a nap with her cat, and then take her back. Initially, we would go through the pleading not to go back, which was hard, but then she became more accepting.

Assisted Living staff said I should never have been doing that on a regular basis; to let her get used to living there, establish friends, become accustomed. But it was my way of dealing with that sense of guilt that you mention, although I knew I was doing what was best for her. I wish I could tell you it goes away, but it hasn't in neither case for me. I still have flashes of remorse wondering if I could have done more for either, or both. Rationally I know I did my best; but emotions are not rational. You just need to find somewhere else to put your energy so you don't have as much time to wallow in self pity.

Couple of years ago my daughter-in-law lost both her parents in the space of a couple of months. Her mother had had dementia, but her father went first, not adequately dealing with his prostate cancer because he insisted on taking care of his wife at home as her dementia steadily got worse. She and my son were taking care of both in their final months. Afterwards they said "we never fully appreciated what you were going through".

Keep reminding yourself that your wife will truly be better cared for where she gets 24/7 fully-attentive care. Most of those who work in those places are truly angels. Retain those memories of her at her best, not those of her at her worst. And you can visit, where you can better put on a brave front for her in a short period of time, well rested.