Tell me about your finest, most gritty, witty, lowdown,

Was at a darts night and some food was supplied... i wasn't sure exactly what it was supposed to be.... i asked the land lady to put into a blender and make it into a soup... she took it away and a few minutes presented me with the soup. Other people were still muttering making into a soup hadn't improved it at all.... i fact it was worse.... the landlady looked at me accusingly... and blamed me.... asking why i requested soup.... i told her my only reason was it would pour down the sink easier..

An old one comes to mind: Came into break room and one of my co-workers was singing a Lionel Ritchie song. I asked him, “Who sings that?”
He replied, “Lionel Ritchie.”
I said, “Well let’s keep it that way.”

I once told the guy holding the "slow" sign in a construction zone that he could be replaced with a bucket of sand.

I'm not good at comebacks. So I can't think of anything.

Him:- You have a horrible body.

Me:- You're nothing to write home about, either.

Someone who I couldn't stand while at university, after getting drunk just whined at me "you hate me, don't you?"

To which I replied "If I thought about you at all, then yes, I probably would."

I sat at a table in a pub which was the only place left to sit. Three butch looking lesbians were already sitting there..I asked one for a use of her cigarette lighter and she said 'No I won't give you a light,I hate men'!
I asked her 'If you hate men so much then why do you look like one'?
The bouncer who i know well told me it's safer for me if I leave. Lol

Ex-gf : I don't consider you an expert on relationships.
Me : When's YOUR book coming out?

Saw a woman years ago and she asked if I could see my kids less to spend more time with her. I said "don't let the door hit you in the ass!". She said "no one has ever done that to me!". I said " Let me be the first!". On that note, I kicked her out.

Guy was pissing me off and talking all this bullshit so I says "Dude. The best part of you ran down your mom's thigh and stained the bed sheet." Then he threw a punch, I broke his nose, then his jaw. Never saw him again. Huh. I wonder Uncle Sherman IS doing? Might also be why I've not been invited to the family reunion in six years. Oh well. Hindsight.

When I told a young female coworker that was very mean and spiteful towards us, because she believed she was above us because she grew up rich, but that her father wanted her to work a few years before she got her trust fund at age 25, to know what it's like to earn her pay, always telling us that as soon as she got her trust fund she was going to enjoy life, unlike us peasants. One day I got tired of her big mouth and told her she reminded me of a silk rose, beautiful, but fake. This was in 2003.