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My hot take on Doms

I think men aren’t actually that capable of being actual Doms. Simply by the fact that they aren’t ever going to be a mom. A mother is what a true Dom is, without the sexual gratification tied into it.

Most viewpoints are focused on the sexual aspects of sub/Dom relationships, completely ignoring the entire foundation of the long, real laborious caretaking role the Dom actually is supposed to undertake with their sub. And that is what a mother naturally does.

She thinks of others first, leads. Is both fierce, stern, and gentle. She guides her babies exactly where they need to go. They take care of someone else without taking anything in return, and that’s what a Dom is supposed to do. She is automatically tapped into her masculine energy through her mothering instincts.

Yes this could be argued with several different reasons, one being that there are terrible moms out there. That’s because they aren’t healed, and unfortunately we can’t stop an emotionally unhealed person from having children.

Now there are emotionally intelligent men, yes. But that’s if they do the work and their healing. If they aren’t afraid of their feminine energy and masculine energy combining, then they can attempt to be a true Dom.
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That’s an intriguing perspective! I see where you're coming from, especially regarding the nurturing and guiding aspects of being a true Dom. It’s true that the ideal dynamic often involves deep emotional connection and care, much like a mother’s instinct. It really highlights the importance of emotional intelligence in both roles, whether it’s in a parenting context or a Dom/sub relationship. Balancing those energies can be a journey for everyone involved. What do you think helps someone reach that level of emotional intelligence?
There are so many different ways, but I think the main thing people struggle with is being afraid of themselves. When we fear who we are, we can’t fully move into ourselves.

I think what helps someone reach emotional intelligence is trusting oneself. Getting to know yourself. Learning how to actually keep your word, believing you are worth it.

Once you are able to reach your own depths, then you can meet anyone elses and not fall apart, lose yourself, or lose them.

What do you think helps someone reach emotional intelligence?

I don’t necessarily think it’s something you can fully teach.. or I can’t anyway. @DelightfulyDelectablyDelicious
@deathfairy I completely agree! Trusting oneself is such a crucial foundation for emotional intelligence. It’s like a journey of self-discovery that enables genuine connections with others. When we truly understand and embrace our own complexities, it empowers us to navigate relationships, whether they’re nurturing or challenging without losing ourselves. 😊
ChiefJustWalks · 26-30
I have been told by my family that I'm like both the mother & the father to my daughter. They also stressed that they weren't trying to insult me or Naya's mom, they were just pointing out that I both work my ass off & fully take care of my child in every way. I take pride in raising my child. I agree that most men aren't usually full caretakers in the way that mom's often are (even though my own mom wasn't one). Once when I was talking about my kid to one of my homies, he said back to me "I can't even tell you that much about my kids because their mom does all that. I just work."
I thought that was kinda sad. I know ALL about my kid. I even understand her better than her mom does most of the time but I'd never tell her that because she'd probably take it offensively lol. It trips me out how often I come across that stuff though. Dad's that don't change their kids diapers, take them baths, brush their teeth, set their sleep schedules or nap schedules. It's like so many don't know how to actually nurture a child's development so they just leave it to the mom since they're usually natural at it. Sorry, I'm not even talking about the dom/sub topic here I'm just talking about the parenting part 😅

I can see how men aren't usually caretakers in the same way women are expected to be. Men tend to focus on their physical work whereas women are often more attentive to the emotional work & actual presence as well. Physical work is easy to pick up. Anyone can do it. But emotional work & actual presence isn't as easy. & To realize you actually need that work, means putting ego aside. Which ironically, the men who call themselves doms aren't usually able to do
You sound like a present father, who understands your role and that’s the thing, you never seemed like you tripped up over your masculinity.

And I am in agreement with what someone else pointed out earlier, all men and women have all the qualities of a “true Dom”. As long as they have done the work to learn how to trust themselves, listen to hear others. They are not afraid of themselves, they merged their feminine and masculine energies and have done the self reflection and healing.

Because life is such a beautiful kaleidoscope of reality and perspective, it’s so customized to each persons own experience. I feel like I was already talking about something that was hard to articulate in the first place, and then I was also overlaying it or comparing it to what a mother role is, for the most part.

I understand there are good fathers, my son’s dad is an amazing father. I wouldn’t change anything. But most of the work still fell on me. And until we start raising men to do more for themselves, it will stay this way. Where they try to seek power through dominance they don’t even possess. True power isn’t loud or aggressive.

Anyway, we are branching off into topics now that aren’t really the main point here. I am happy to continue, it’s just hard to overlay so many different aspects of all of these categories and tie them all together. @ChiefJustWalks
caccoon · 36-40
Yes, the bdsm scene is rife with men that aren't emotionally intelligent but simply want to exercise control

As someone who, in my 20s and most of my 30s had very low self worth, I was attracted to these broken men as I didn't think I deserved better.

Now that I have grown and been through a lot of therapy (and still processing), I am not attracted to these men.

I like a confident man that cares and can be sexually dominant but I am not interested in being submissive anymore
Yes. The more I heal the less interested I am in what a lot of men think they offer.

Also, decentering men has helped me learn a lot. About myself, about men, about relationships. @caccoon
caccoon · 36-40
@deathfairy I love this for us 🥰💙
Reject · 31-35, M
I don’t think parenthood is tied to one gender. I also never really cared for the polarity of dominant or submissive in any context. As long as you love things as they are, I think you’re doing fine.
Idk how we swerved into such a direction? I never said your love wasn’t good enough?

Your love is good enough always, and I am not saying my love is better. I really wish you could see that the whole foundation of my post was coming from love..?

Thank you for providing your perspective, truly. You took the topic of my post and branched off into different directions with it, and I let you, I followed you into it.

I never wanted to make any part of it personal, because I don’t know you, I don’t know your life and I don’t know what level you are at. It seemed to me you polarized our definition of love while I was staying on topic of my post, I was trying to show you that love is the MAIN FOUNDATION OF WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.

I am starting to sound like a broken record like 2 replies ago, so I am leaving this here. If someone else wants to try and shed a light here or give their opinion they can. Take care. @Reject
By the way, I read what you wrote on your perspective on love again, and both times it makes me think of these images:
And this random but semi related text: you may have seen it in a recent post I made, but I feel like it applies to what you wrote.
Just wanted to share that with you. Thanks for taking the time to walk w me today. @Reject
Reject · 31-35, M
@deathfairy Yes! Those images are very much in line with what I personally view to be true love.

I think the vast majority of people sincerely believe that they have and understand love, but to me they only have interpretations of it and that’s not love. It’s not something you explain, it’s something you give once you no longer need explanations.
PerfectionOfTheHeart · 46-50, F
This is so well thought out. I’ve “met” my fair share of men claiming to be Doms and found them anything but. They each had severe emotional frailty, and used the title to lure the weak minded into their poorly equipped mental lair for little sessions that would make them feel powerful when they were anything but. Even back then when I was naive and was easily seen as the prey, I could see them for what they truly were. It was such a turnoff to know that I was more dominant than them, and yes, that came from being a mom that shaped me into not taking crap from male toddlers…which is what so many of them actually are.

Just yesterday, I had a dude in my inbox in the 20s age bracket trying to be a Daddy/Dom, and it was so revolting to me. I didn’t even see him as a man, let alone the title he was trying to own.
Lol, this made me giggle.

Not only that, but I could go on and on about the emotional labor a normal woman, who isn’t even a mom, does in a “regular” relationship where there is no sub/Dom dynamic. That alone is a huge contribution to exposing how under qualified most men are to be in any leadership role in relationships..

The physical labor, the mental labor, the emotional labor a woman pours into her relationships is astounding compared to what a man gives. Women are still mothering and raising men who aren’t even claiming to be Doms. @PerfectionOfTheHeart
PerfectionOfTheHeart · 46-50, F
@deathfairy

And that’s why so many of us are yearning to just have a man who can allow us to not only feel like a woman, but his woman. Not his mother.
Thank you for these thoughts! They are surprising and insightful. But, as a submissive I give my Dom attention, adoration, and obedience, which I hope are nourishing for Her -- not "nothing in return " ?
She would already receive all the gratification just by being consistent, nurturing and guiding. The trust between you and her is probably deep, and behaving for her is just one piece of what she receives from you.

I think having a male and female
Doms are huge worlds apart. @ThePatientAnarchist
I like this take. I've never thought about it that way before.

I have to say that any guy who labels themself as a dom or daddy immediately hits my cringe radar. I would definitely check their internet history 👀
This also applies to the qualities of an Alpha.

I’m not sure how an Alpha has ended up as some number one top dog of the pack, untouchable. The Alpha role is actually very close to all of the qualities of what a true Dom is.

They are responsible for an entire pack, the only thing they get to do is eat before everyone else, because the entire pack actually depends on them to survive and lead them. @ostfuidctyvm
EBSVC · 41-45
That’s a really insightful way to articulate a lot of things I’ve been feeling for a long long time. Thank you. ❤
I'm not saying you're wrong but it is unfortunate that being emotionally intelligent is considered feminine. In my humble opinion, it can be feminine or it can be a very manly quality.
Wait did I frame it that way?

Emotional intelligence and feminine energy are two separate things. A mother just has easier access to both since her child’s life is literally in her hands. @SinlessOnslaught
@deathfairy Maybe I misunderstood.

Good point.
FreeorLonely · 51-55, F
Well said and yes I completely agree with you.
MellyMel22 · F
I think most that call themselves that aren’t even dominant, just obsessed with being it.

For me a naturally dominant guy is the way to go. None of that BS, just a kind and strong personality that can’t be faked.
That’s exactly it, they want the reward without putting in the work.

What you are describing is actually a man who trusts himself. Who says he will do something and does it. He is honest with himself and at the same time with you. That is a true Dom quality for sure. @MellyMel22
@MellyMel22 @deathfairy You ladies stop talking about me behind my back.
MellyMel22 · F
@deathfairy Yes, but they don’t need the title nor the demands.
Pfuzylogic · M
A woman needs a self sustaining income though, true independence to establish that.
Mothers try to keep their neck bracelet on a man and when the man has the ability to break it then he also qualifies for this dominant position!
Reread what I wrote and read all the comments and conversations, and then try again. @Pfuzylogic
Pfuzylogic · M
@deathfairy Exercising your domme energy I see
Very wisely written
H1raeth · 36-40, M
Makes me think of Malcolm In The Middle's mum, Lois.
Idk who that is. @H1raeth
fun4us2b · M
I would say, for men, the more aggressive, the less secure...
Yes.

I think this applies to women as well honestly, the louder more aggressive the less secure and feeling like they are unheard. @fun4us2b
fun4us2b · M
@deathfairy Very true - more of a personality type thing..
StygianKohlrabi · 46-50, M
hi I'm a dom. see I have a card. 🃏 its proof of virility. strip nekkid and give me 40 reps.

 
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