My hot take on Doms

It obviously isn’t because there are dads, but I think we can both not run in circles acting like most of the labor and work doesn’t fall on the mother. Plz don’t do it with me, I am a mom, and I have talked to many moms over the years. I saw my own mom. Like don’t act like it’s some even playing field and I am just construing it to just one “gender”

Of course there are wonderful fathers out there, yes, absolutely. but even in actual nature with animals, the baby is 100% of the time with the mother, and the father has moved on to mate with another female.

And I agree with you, as long as there is love between two consenting adults, it’s the most ideal relationship. But that’s the thing my friend, I am also a woman who happens to have also been “married to the love of my life” who has dated after my divorce, and let me tell you, it is not an equal field, it is not.

You have really well spoken, grounded and sound advice and many of your replies are usually thought provoking, and it very often sounds alike you are emotionally intelligent. And that my friend, is more rare with men than women. @Reject

I agree, the father is fundamentally important for raising a whole human. Not a broken one.

I feel like we veered off my main point. What I was saying was the true qualities of a Dom are what a mother naturally already possesses.

And you’re pulling in equality into this, which is fine, but the simple fact that you grew up without a father deepens your need to bring them into the equation. What I am trying to show is that the real actual foundation that a Dom would work with is what a mother already does.

Love is the main language for a mother and a Dom. I don’t see it as a place of power either. You branching off at the point of love just being the base of any kind of relationship, is both clever and tying my entire point here. A Dom isn’t a power position, it’s working along with, making sure there is full success to the relationship.

You are trying to remove what I am keeping in place because my entire subject was Dom, versus sort of nature versus nurture. So I am not going to fling my topic out just to lay it over with “love” because it was already the base of the entire concept here. (: @Reject

@deathfairy Any person can possess both dom and sub qualities. Actually, I think every person already does. People are very complicated and not so simply defined, that’s part of why I don’t bother with defining them.

Love to me is not about trying to prove any point on what a dom is or how it’s still connected to love and how that’s what a mother is naturally or any of these ideas seemingly made to validate.

Perhaps we just view love differently. For me it doesn’t need to determine the world like that. It’s just happy living it.

I agree, everyone has these qualities. The less healed we are, the less balanced they will be.

I guess that’s the beauty of perspective, it is our reality and can shift worlds with a few sentences.

I enjoyed this talk, and I think we both circled something similar. I don’t think our interpretation of love is so different, we just might have held the very essence of what I was trying to say in polarity. It wasn’t a total failure. We bridged something so many topics try to and can’t seem to do.

Perhaps with time I can find some better way to express this so it’s not making specific people feel excluded and really express that love is the motivator, and base of operation through this topic. @Reject

@deathfairy I’ve enjoyed talking with you too!


That’s the disconnect for me. Polarity is the antithesis of love in my mind. I think love is completely inaccessible with that manner of thinking.

I feel like you keep gripping to one thread of my entire topic. What is your main point here? That in being able to see that you and I are coming to a center of a topic with two different perspectives, then love is no longer possible? That the entire conversation is null and void because polarity can exist?

I think that’s the beauty of polarity. A mother loves and moves with her children through every aspect of what life gives her through her children. I doubt she ever is thrilled when her children are choosing the polar opposite of her guidance, disrespecting her, or when they make poor choices ending them up in all kinds of predicaments. But that’s the point, she loves them anyways.. because love is the BASE OF THE ENTIRE FOUNDATION.

I feel like we are now solely focusing on the aspect of love, and while it’s beautiful, it is again stepping back from the topic of this post. That a true Dom and a mother stand on the grounded space of love, no matter what. @Reject

The point I was trying to make with this post is to explore a deeper part of what it means to step into a role of a true caretaker. Which is as the topic of my post :a Dom, and a mother.

If love can’t exist with difference, challenge, or polarity, then is it love, or just preference? My intention was never to prove or force a view, but to explore how real love holds steady even through contrast, especially for those in caretaking roles. That’s where my original point came from. If that got lost in translation, I understand. @Reject

@deathfairy Yeah, love is just different to us. I wrote something awhile back that should help explain why I work every single day to remove any amount of polarity I have in my mind.

“Don’t think of something as the harder path or else there must now be an easier path. Same goes for the strong, now there’s the weak. If one is smart then stupidity must exist. Is there is pleasure, there is pain. Ad nauseam. The perspective of duality. Right and wrong, black and white. All this does is create the extreme and absolute manner of thought that forces one into some self imposed limit on themselves or others. If one must define these opposing ends of a spectrum, then they should do so only to understand the mentality that should be changed. Those interpretations are merely that. Interpreted. Made up in our minds to make sense of the world. The truth won’t lean into either. It’s neutral. To balance your scale is to rid yourself of any forces that may tip it into some bias. To open the house of one’s mind, you must first clear everything out of it. All these notions you have about the way life is. All these judgments you’ve concluded. These definitions you’ve learned. It all must go. Things are not harder, they are not easier. They simply are. Life is not whatever you think of it. It just is. If you approach everything like this you’ll start to feel the natural love you’ve always had but restricted with the conditions you placed upon it. The reason love is the emotion that fills the absence of meaning is because we are here to provide it. The meaning of life is to give life meaning. If you remove these opposites from your beliefs. These dichotomies of existence that would punish or deny your love, then it may flow freely with nothing holding it back anymore. You cannot give negative meaning. Not until you have first extracted it from positive meaning. Something only done from the polarities that divide you and never from the unification of them that makes one whole.”

I like this perspective, it’s insightful. But you keep clinging to one thing and trying to make it seem like I am missing something.

Your love is beautiful in a monastery, but it doesn’t raise children. Your love is practicing detachment, while I am talking about love through the discomfort’s of real, raw humanity. The rawest forms of anger, of resistance, of rejection that so much of caretaking/parenting/mothering rly is in reality.

A mother’s love is loving her children through the spikes of polarity they give her repeatedly. Or a Doms love regardless what their sub throws at them. The steady ground they stand on for their child or sub. Also let’s keep in mind that the mothers and Doms are also human, with their own limitations and ongoing healing and growth. That is polarity. And that is love.

I can see you have done a lot of work on yourself, I have seen your conversations with others throughout the years, it’s obvious you have looked within. And you might have a point of we have a different view on love. Only because our experiences have been very different in life. You are where you are, and I am where I am.

We can’t do anything about it, because I am a mom, and you aren’t a parent. At least not to my knowledge (are you?) I feel like this question applies because this is now going into personal perspective and interpretation of what love is, how and what love plays in the caretaker/parenting role. @Reject

Also, not to miss your point from before. You talked about love in general not just from the caretaker/parental role. That love is purely love in whatever form it takes, regardless of relationship, regardless of giver/recipient, just the pure form of love.

With that in mind, I see your definition, your take on it that you just gave me better with that attached to it. And it is beautiful, truly. But that wasn’t what I was talking about and I think you knew that. @Reject

Idk how we swerved into such a direction? I never said your love wasn’t good enough?

Your love is good enough always, and I am not saying my love is better. I really wish you could see that the whole foundation of my post was coming from love..?

Thank you for providing your perspective, truly. You took the topic of my post and branched off into different directions with it, and I let you, I followed you into it.

I never wanted to make any part of it personal, because I don’t know you, I don’t know your life and I don’t know what level you are at. It seemed to me you polarized our definition of love while I was staying on topic of my post, I was trying to show you that love is the MAIN FOUNDATION OF WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.

I am starting to sound like a broken record like 2 replies ago, so I am leaving this here. If someone else wants to try and shed a light here or give their opinion they can. Take care. @Reject

By the way, I read what you wrote on your perspective on love again, and both times it makes me think of these images: And this random but semi related text: you may have seen it in a recent post I made, but I feel like it applies to what you wrote. Just wanted to share that with you. Thanks for taking the time to walk w me today. @Reject

@deathfairy Yes! Those images are very much in line with what I personally view to be true love.

I think the vast majority of people sincerely believe that they have and understand love, but to me they only have interpretations of it and that’s not love. It’s not something you explain, it’s something you give once you no longer need explanations.