Should I put myself first before friends?

One friend I have is currently pregnant and going through a lot of things. I can't cope emotionally and mentally since I found out I was adopted last week or so. She's mad because I didn't reply to her update message today about her being pregnant and going through illness too.

I don't feel able to deal with her at the moment. Personally, I don't want support from anyone. My problem is something I have to do by myself, and the only way I can truly focus on myself is to take a step back, evaluate my life and decide the next steps to take. I am currently in therapy (started first session today), and it isn't going to be an overnight process to get over.

Should I be there for her, or should I put myself first?

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Serenitree · F

You need to focus on your own thing first and foremost. It's not as if you just got a bad hair cut. This is a momentous piece of info you've received.

May I ask,
1st, why did they wait so long to tell you?
2nd, why is it such a difficult thing to hear?

Were your adoptive parents good to you?

WishfulCreations · 22-25, F

@Serenitree

I have no idea, i was told a few days after my 19th birthday.

It's difficult because i thought my birth mother was my sister. I was adopted by my grandmother. It's the situation that it happened in as well. I wasn't adopted straight after birth.

Serenitree · F

@WishfulCreations Ah. I see. I knew a girl, when I was a kid, who had a baby at 14, and her mom adopted the baby and that baby grew up calling her mom, sister, and her grandmother, Mom.

I feel that a child should be told this kind of thing very early on, so that they grow up with it as a simple fact of their life. My grandmother was adopted by her aunt, whom she called mom, and she called her real mom, auntie.

TrulyDiscover82 · 41-45, F

Focus on yourself, your mental health and the huge life changing news you've just had landed on ur lap. If she's a true friend she'l understand.
It's horrible when your going through something bad the exact same time your friends are going through a challenging time. As you def will feel torn, but I've been in this situation before when I was going through depression the same time my best friend really needed me. An she totally understood. Send her da odd text every other day saying ur not being cold or anything but your going through alot too and jus to bare with you au lil till ur able to get ur head together.

WishfulCreations · 22-25, F

@TrulyDiscover82 yeah, i've sent her a message clearing things up and just explaining why i don't feel able to be there for her right now. I feel guilty for not being able to, and for not "falling at her feet", as I'm going to put it and comfort her

TrulyDiscover82 · 41-45, F

@WishfulCreations don't feel guilty, it is what it is an as you say as long as you let her know you'd be there if you could of shel understand I wish u luck wiv it🤝

Picklebobble2 · 56-60, M

Right now your head is full of you. No surprise given whatever last weeks revelation has you thinking !
Plus the start of your therapy today. You have enough on your plate !
And you shouldn't feel guilty about that.

Your friend doubtless has family and friends she can rely on besides you.
Don't expect her to be sympathetic, pregnancy hormones are known make you behave somewhat erratically and unreasonable on occasions.
She'll get over it.

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Picklebobble2 · 56-60, M

@WishfulCreations Why do you feel ashamed ?

WishfulCreations · 22-25, F

@Picklebobble2 because i feel bad for not being there for her. I dont want to feel pressured into taking part in a conversation that I don't want to be in tbh. I know I'm being selfish, but if I don't address my issues now, they'll get worse over time

Picklebobble2 · 56-60, M

@WishfulCreations Honey she's pregnant ! Not dealing with some life altering disease !
It's all about getting a sense of perspective.
She's lucky ! She has hers !!
Yours on the other hand is all over the place through no fault of your own.
There are times in life when your life will take precedence over anything else. Such a time is now.

nonsensiclesnail · F

I don't see how putting yourself first means you cut everyone else out.

NaturalBeautyQueen · 41-45, F

Focus on yourself. It sounds like you couldn’t be a support to her even if you wanted to. And that’s okay. You may not be able to be there for her now, but maybe after the baby comes, you can be. Just explain it to her. Let her know that you’ve got stuff going on, and you need time to figure it all out. If she’s a good friend, she’ll understand.

4meAndyou · F

Drop your friend a quick text and just tell her that...and she will either understand or she won't, but at least she won't think you are a bad person for abandoning her when she needs you.

LyricalOne · F

Can you not put yourself first and give her some attention as well?

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