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Advice needed. How to say no

About 12 years ago, we built a new house in the country. Neighbours are close but not too close. And we get alot of snow in the winter.
(See where this is going yet?)
I had a jeep with a plow on it and enjoyed being neighbourly and would plow the neighbours whenever it snowed as a gesture of good will.
Then I bought a tractor with blower and continued to be neighbourly. I never got a penny from one neighbour while the the other neighbour brought a couple micro jars of jam over with a small gift card for home depot.

Couple of years ago, the tractor started developing issues and was expensive to fix. Its still temperamental and I told the neighbours that I couldnt do their driveways for them anymore.

Well…every time it snows, my phone rings and they don’t take no for an answer. I feel guilty and end up doing it for them.

How do i say no? So that they understand?

(I wasn’t awake yet this morning and my phone was already ringing.)

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MarkPaul · 26-30, M Best Comment
You need to rely on self-awareness, social skills, and self-discipline. Self-awareness to acknowledge what your motivations really are. Do you resent not feeling appreciated enough? Do you actually want to be paid or treated with perks? And, social skills to confront (yes, confront) your neighbours with your true feelings. And, finally the self-discipline to approach this situation with a well-adjusted balanced attitude and not with seething animosity. Well, that's been me and I hope you have a great rest of your day.
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@MarkPaul Yes. At first I was the good samaritan. One of the neighbours are a new couple with alot of expenses and I did it to help them out. The other neighbours have a million plus dollar house but nickel and dime everything. I couldn’t do one neighbour without doing the other and not feel guilty. Yes. Appreciation vs getting taken advantage of. My dillema.
I just dont doing it for them anymore. I do feel like Im sucked in.
MarkPaul · 26-30, M
@LunarOrbit So, there needs to be a reset in a manner of speaking. Easier said than done, I know. A reset for you by granting yourself a "clean slate." Release yourself from your past behaviour by starting with a brutally honest self-assessment of what you want (or not want) to do today. But... that's not all and proportionally that's the easy part. There are still the neighbours who need to know "things" (the situation, the conditions, the times... however you want to place it in context) have changed. Keep in mind they are not necessarily innocent bystanders, but they also are not greedy tossers either. You all have an investment in past behaviour that led this point. So, they need to be informed.

If you have an active communication line with them then it's simply a matter of letting them know your feelings by cutting off history from the present. Yes, you have done this before, but you are no longer able to help now and in the future. If you don't actively communicate with them outside of their winter expectations, this does become a bit more problematic in that they likely will become offended. That is just something to be expected going into this, but your intentions still need to be said. Letting them figure it out for themselves while remaining silent might seem enticing, but it will only put you at odds with them in the long-term. And, that's not good... for you or for them.

You don't want to come off as scripted, but might I suggest you write down how you want to express yourself and explain your position? Again, it will be important to clear yourself from being self-righteous, angry, and antagonistic. After all, they still are the neighbours. Just a short declaration of declining to be the neighbourhood plow-master going forward is my recommendation. No more really needs to be said to honour your feelings and extend a general respect for the neighbours who might not like it, but will appreciate knowing they need to find an alternative solution. And, I suspect you will feel better too.
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@MarkPaul You should be a counsellor. Thank you for the advice.

JimboSaturn · 56-60, M
I can't believe they actually call you and ask after you told them your tractor is going. I personally would have accepted that and made other arrangements. I would be grateful you ever did it in the first place.
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@JimboSaturn Yeah. Im the same Jim. I guess they don’t see things like us. Or they dont want to (as its to their benefit.
Thanks
Well said @JimboSaturn
JustNik · 51-55, F
Aww. I appreciate how hard this is. I like what Coral suggested. You just have to keep repeating it until they stop calling. To me, it sounds like they were never very worthy of your efforts to begin with, though I get that doesn’t help here. 🤗
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@JustNik They are good neighbours. No trouble…not nosey and keep their distance. I just have to be polite snd keep refusing politely. Thanks. 😊
Coralmist · 41-45, F
Say ' unfortunately you may need to call someone for your driveway, I just cannot do it. The plow is having issues. I appreciate your understanding. '
do you have their email? Or cell number? Maybe you can text it ..I hate having to say it in person or on the phone but that's me.
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@Coralmist I did exactly this two years ago. Just short of giving them the numbers of nearby contractors. Maybe I should do that….research the numbers and have that info ready for them. Thanks
I would just say sorry, I cannot help you anymore. My tractor is not in good shape. Repeat. Repeat.

I just want to add 2 comments. I live and I have lived in the country. Neighbours treat each other as good family. I borrow from them in a pinch. They do the same. It varies from neighbor to neighbor too.

You speak even negatively of getting " micro" jars of jam. That makes me wonder about how you treat people. If one foes someyhkng kind, then do it for kindness not for reciprocity. Or gifts.

I used to shovel my elderly neighbour's sidewalk and driveway. He was in his 80's. Would never ask for help. He was proud. Independent. Just do for others. Someday you will need help. Let's hope someone is kind to you.
@LunarOrbit Why would two people heart this? Geez. Flawed people.
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@PoetryNEmotion Pardon? You don’t need to insult anyone in an effort to validate your view. Not everyone thinks like you. And seeing you are the only person following this thread that thinks I’m the problem, should make you look in the mirror and question *your* opinion.
Have a lonely day.
This comment is hidden. Show Comment
Tell them you're going to start charging, make a reasonable rate. Something where they could buy a used snowblower themselves by the end of the year, or you could do necessary maintenance on your tractor regularly by doing less then everyone's and have money in your pocket
@LunarOrbit oh, and call the local contractors who do do it and ask their rates. Under cut them a little bit, not a lot. So if your neighbors go to them they'll be appreciative of you but not obligated to you.

I'm trying to think how you'd be able to have it profitable but also not you being your neighbors necessity
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@Justafantasy Most contractors up here are prepay or callout pay. Depends on amount of snow.

I’ll ask. Thanks
@LunarOrbit if contractors are $80/hour. I have no idea what a skid steer is worth keep it within $5-10. But no callout fee will make a huge difference for your neighborhood
SW-User
Let them know the cost of the repairs is high and you can't afford to plow everyone's driveway and you're very sorry. Make the suggestion they call a company that plows, suggest a local company you know of.
Send a letter 💌 if needed or holiday card with the info.
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@SW-User I agree. Thanks for the advice. 😌
SW-User
@LunarOrbit it's not easy but it seems like you've done your part for a long time!
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@SW-User Well about ten years. And winters here are pretty long with alot of snow.
I appreciate your acknowledgement and feel better knowing that cutting them off is justified. Thanks
carpediem · 61-69, M
Just don’t go. They’ll get the message eventually. Incredibly rude that they’ve come to expect your kindness like you owe it to them.

I have a skid steer loader and in huge snow events, I’ll be neighborly and help out. But everyone has been very appreciative. And now, most people around me hire out to handle snow and landscaping maintenance.
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@carpediem Skid steers are way cool. Wish I had one

Thanks for the advice. :)
goodlil666 · 51-55, M
Tell them if they want to pay to bring your tractor back up to being mechanically sound you'd be happy to. Or if they want to pay you $100 or whatever price you choose to plow you can do it. And have a number for a snow removal service that you will be happy to share with them.
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@goodlil666 Yes. Very good ideas. Thanks.
Justmeraeagain · 56-60, F
Say"I can't afford to run the truck, so it's not possible for me to do your driveway anymore, sorry, you'll have to find another way."
Straight out is always best
If they try to get you to still do it say "No, I've already explained that I cannot"
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@Justmeraeagain I agree. We got the worst storm in years this past week and amazingly he got a contractor to do it. I feel relief. Thanks for your advice
Lilymoon · F
My husband does that every winter... three driveways then comes home and complains of bad back pains. 🤦‍♀
I think he feels bad that we have a snow blower and they don't but still... now they expect it.
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@Lilymoon Yeah. Expectation vs appreciation.

Now I really hope you dont get this weather down your way.
Lilymoon · F
@LunarOrbit yeah me too 😑
deadgerbil · 26-30, M
If you say no plus you don't plow your own driveway, it will probably help avoid them being suspicious. Bc if you do yours, they might think why wouldn't the tractor be able to do theirs too? And that could cause friction.
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@deadgerbil I have to do mine or I don’t get out. The street plows leave a 1-2 foot pile infront of the driveway entrance that I cant just drive thru without clearing it. Its a damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Thanks
YoMomma ·
Tell them you need a new tractor and when they buy you one then you'll be happy to oblige 😅 that yours it's on it's last leg and you don't want to break it pushing it out there..
I'd let them know your tractor needs some costly repairs. In this situation I'd say it's fair to ask the community for a little help. Who knows, maybe one of them is a mechanic and they can do their part to keep this kindness going.

And that takes balls to ask you when nobody has pitched in for a long time...

You're a sweetheart.
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@ScreamingFox Ive let them know two years ago that it needed repairs and that its basically haywired together to get even my own driveway done. They still call. Ugh.
SW-User
Jeez ..
Just say no ..that you can't do it ..simple
"Due to the economy and cost of the equipment’s upkeep, I’m now charging x amount of money for this service,
Cash up front. Thank you in advance for understanding."
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@bijouxbroussard Well put. Thanks :)
Classic case of “give some people an inch and they will take a mile” … keep civil they want more from you than you already gave

You owe them nothing but a smile 😊 lol 😘
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@ThreeLittleBirds Thanks 🐥🐥🐥

I appreciate your opinion. ☺ This post was made three days ago. Since then we had four feet of snow drop. I really do feel shitty about not going over to help them out but its like ‘tough love right’. And its worked. They’ve made arrangements with a contractor so I really am starting to feel the weight has lifted off my shoulders. Thanks sgain
You have nothing to feel bad about, they want more than you have already given

They need to be more appreciative and think up ways to deal with the issue themselves… using their own initiative… you’ve given them the “tools” and the knowledge

Wish em well and enjoy your life 😌@LunarOrbit
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@ThreeLittleBirds Thank you again TLB ☺
Lilnonames · F
Put a sign up stating your prices, as for gas, etc...
LunarOrbit · 61-69, M
@Lilnonames I love this. 😊 Thanks

 
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