Is being agreeable and having no backbone a good reason to break up with someone?

Not only my first boyfriend broke up with me because I’m on the autism spectrum but also because he says, its an embarrassment having a bigger and talIer girlfriend, agreed with everything he says, well some things, I butter up (sugarcoat) things than to be blunt and straightforward. That irritated the crap outta him and also he said I had no backbone and he can’t be with a girl that can’t stand up for herself and let people walk over her. You’re a “yes” person and you can’t even be honest and I shouldn’t have to drag an opinion outta you!” He treated me like garbage and I took it. He looked at me saying, “REALLY?! Are you seriously going to let me treat you like this?! Your dad is right about one thing about you. You’re WEAK!” And just walked off. He cheated on me with another girl and he broke up with me over video chat and the girl he cheated on me with is petite and not tall and broad like me.

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Lucyy · 22-25, F

So the way he treated you is obviously not okay. "Are you going to let me treat you like this" is pushing his behavior on to you and trying to make it your responsibility. He is responsible for his own actions.

But in the same sense, you are also responsible for your own actions. The way you act will result in different opinions of you. And quite frankly, I would never want to be friends with, much less date, someone who lets people do whatever they want to them and won't give a straightforward opinion. Why would I want a close relationship with someone who won't act close enough to me to even stand up for themselves or me, or who won't give me a blunt opinion when I need it? If I wanted small talk with no depth, I could just turn on any talk show on TV. That isn't what friendship, or a romantic relationship, is about.

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Lucyy · 22-25, F

@LaylaTheTallGirl I'm tall too. My best friend is 4'11. I show her that I care about her and am considering her needs by slowing down so she can keep up.

This is what I'm talking about. Someone brings up things you do that hurt them, and you constantly get defensive and turn it back around to point out everybody else's flaws.

Your friends have told you that you are doing things that hurt them. You walk too fast and don't consider your shorter friends needs. You are dishonest and give them no advice or guidance or opinion when they need it. You don't contribute when they are trying to make plans. You are showing them signs that you don't care about them, but when they point it out, you try to get defensive and turn it around on them. Which, again, is not considering them, their needs, or their feelings.

If you ALSO feel that you are being treated unfairly at times, you can calmly and respectfully bring that up to them. But to only do so when they have called YOU out on your behavior does nothing but show them that you do not care how they feel and are unwilling to change toxic behavior.

SavannahMay · 22-25, F

@LaylaTheTallGirl Notice how many flaws of your friends you have pointed out in this conversation. And also notice how you have not once said "Yeah, I understand how that would hurt them, I should stop doing that and consider how they feel and their needs."
That's my point. That is what kills friendships.
If you don't want to be friends with them, that's fine, But with this current mindset, they will only pull more away from you. You call them out, but will not acknowledge your own toxic behaviors and actions. Friendships can only work if both sides can respectfully point out such behaviors and work to fix them without getting angry and trying to point fingers at everyone else. How many times had it happened before your friend called you an ass? Because if it has come up before and you still won't consider your friends needs, then I agree with her tbh. And I would also agree with her choice to cut off contact.

LaylaTheTallGirl · 22-25, F

@SavannahMay Now I have no friends? I’m going though a hard time and they don’t seem to care.

CraftyMarieArts · F

Although I agree that he shouldn’t have cheated on you and that was wrong on his point, he made a valid point about you being a suck up. From his point of view on that, you seemed to me a people pleaser, you agree with EVERYTHING or most things he says, you don’t have any self respect for yourself and you’re not honest. Also nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone that has no backbone or lets people push them over. I admit I myself gotta work on being more firm and dealing with difficult conflicts and saying what I mean depending on the situation, BUT anyways that’s why he broke up with you. Not only you made things worse for him but you made things worse on yourself. Like I said he was in the wrong for cheating on you but you were also in the wrong for being a pushover and not being honest and straightforward. Why would I want a relationship with someone that won’t be straight up and honest, especially when I screw up? Nobody wants that. Would YOU want that? Even though the truth hurts, it’s better to be told that then a sugarcoated lie. Without TRUST and HONESTY, there’s no relationships or friendships. Just saying.

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LaylaTheTallGirl · 22-25, F

@Abwiee YOU ARE SO MEAN????!!!!! How dare you?! How can you say it’s my own fault. Of course I don’t want to do lie to me but you’re being harsh and I don’t like that!!!! I have my family to back me up but they said they don’t wanna help me until I get my act right. My grandparents went off on me today BIG time. I ticked them off and it scared the CRAP OUTTA ME when they got stern and scolded me. They yelled at me and said harsh things that they won’t apologize for. They’re brutally honest and said they won’t talk to me until I get my act right.

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CraftyMarieArts · F

@Abwiee Thank you so much. Also no she didn’t block me. If she chooses too, that’s fine. I couldn’t care less. Yes you are correct, we all need to take responsibility for our actions and how we say things to people. We all have things we have to work on. The problem is she does not want to take responsibility for it. If she wants people to help her, she needs to have a better attitude and admit what she did and stop twisting everyone’s words. Know what I mean?

SavannahMay · 22-25, F

Yes, it is a good reason to break up with someone. Just not in the way that he did. But I wouldn't want a relationship, or even friendship, with someone who can't be real and honest with me. That would be like talking to a strange who doesn't know me well enough to be comfortable with or care about me enough to be real and upfront. I have broken off friendships in the past over that, and even a relationship.

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SavannahMay · 22-25, F

@LaylaTheTallGirl Except you're doing the exact same thing in that comment. Bringing it back around to what you don't like about them when they cut you off due to toxic behavior. THAT mindset will lead to the same thing to happen over and over, no matter what group of friends you have. If you get mad when friends call you out, you will never have real friends. The same for trying to turn it around on them when you behave in a toxic way.

I can't help you if you won't help yourself. I guess you just need to mature emotionally to really understand. I do hope you get to a place where you can maintain a healthy relationship one day though, and learn to accept constructive criticism without getting defensive and trying to blame others. I would suggest working on accepting constructive criticism gracefully, working on accepting accountability for your behaviors, and learning to focus on improving yourself before trying to come after everyone else's flaws.

Have a nice day. Hope things improve for you.

LaylaTheTallGirl · 22-25, F

@SavannahMay WHO ARE YOU CALLING TOXIC?! Forget it! You guys wouldn’t understand! Good bye and don’t ever talk to me again!!!!!!!!!! People are RUDE!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Abwiee · 22-25, F

@SavannahMay I would say it comes from experience vs age. So it seems to be a WIP right now. But yes lol.

Souls

He isn't a great fit relationship wise I advice you to move on! He needs someone to stroke his ego and if these feelings aren't being met he takes it out on his partners this is toxic and not a trait of a successful relationship with communication and respect. You should never change who you are for anyone if you can't accept a person for who they are then you both should move on

SunshineGirl · 36-40, F

That 's not a nice way to treat you at all 😥

LaylaTheTallGirl · 22-25, F

@SunshineGirl Right? I don’t understand

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