You have a right to be heard in your relationship.
On one of the nights he doesn't have a drink talk with him. Explain to him what your experience with him is and, importantly, how it is affecting your health.
Work out an alternative to the actions at the moment that is acceptable to both of you.
@WildMountainRose I didn't pick up from the original story that the drinking was every night.
It is good that you can chat to him in the morning and that he is receptive to conversation.
He does not seem to be a happy person. Drinking each night with some smoking indicates a desire to escape. Each of us is responsible for our own happiness, but sometimes a friend can assist us in getting us back to that state or prompting a change in us.
You have time in the morning to chat about what is happening. You have used it to get a little change, now, maybe you can get him and yourself looking at a bigger change for both of your benefit.
You have your health challenges, but so does he. If he continues the way he is going, his mental and physical health will deteriorate, and he will not be able to assist himself or yourself.
Every person, no matter how old, can change. My father, at 93, knew he had to grow functionality in his brain through exercise. He did it!
@ZeusdelightThank you so so so very much for explaining your thoughts further. I can't tell you how much this helps. This is something I can do, and something I think will really help. Thank you for giving me hope for both myself and my Husband. I appreciate your help so much more than words can say. ❤
Please try to accept - accept that he drinks and that may create a resentment towards someone who's in abstinence. Accept that you(or I) haven't become perfect in recovery we have our irritations, loss of patience or control Accept that a spat is temporary, and let go of the feelings. Do not carry. Learn to forgive yourself. Stay sober, it will get better and better Hugs
@Domking after many years, I do have a few spats or a big lecture from my partner - and I just dust myself off, pray for serenity, accept that I goofed up, maybe she's stressed, change topic, listen to a nice rock music and get on with my day.
@DomkingI love your comments so very much. You understand, have been there, and know what to do. This is what I have been looking for. 🙂
"Do not carry!!!" This, this is what I need to learn. "Forgive yourself," I struggle here. I can, and do, forgive all others, but self-forgiveness is much harder. Self-love is another area I struggle with. I guess it is a leftover trait from childhood abuse.
My favorite part of your advice is the second comment. You told me how to do better, and gave me examples of how that looks. This really truly helped me. Thank you so very much.🤗
I get angry when I drink, not like violent angry, just kind of short tempered. I think booze does that to me, so I don't drink, very rarely. We have beer in the fridge for 6 months sometimes. Maybe your hubby doesn't realize the booze is doing the same thing to him? It can be really annoying to try to reason with a drunk when you are not, it isn't fun at all.
What you need to know about Alcohol, is that it removes the inhibition shield between the conscious and sub-conscious, and brings the real character and real personality out of the person. So all stored frustrations / disappointments / secrets would find its way out. Similarly guilt and their own wrong doings may also surface and make some weep. The voice level goes up because the ear goes deaf, so they speak louder. Drunken brawl is quite common due to this as you can even see buddies in arms hurling glasses and bar stool over each other, but forget it all the next day.
Psychologically it is very good for humans to have such sessions from time to time, as the soul appeases.
Maybe you can choose a day to have alcohol while your husband is sober to see how he behaves when drunk, by witnessing you.
@in10RjFox"What you need to know about Alcohol, is that it removes the inhibition shield between the conscious and sub-conscious, and brings the real character and real personality out of the person. So all stored frustrations / disappointments / secrets would find its way out. Similarly guilt and their own wrong doings may also surface and make some weep. The voice level goes up because the ear goes deaf, so they speak louder. Drunken brawl is quite common due to this as you can even see buddies in arms hurling glasses and bar stool over each other, but forget it all the next day."
There is so much truth in these words. I think this is what leads to some of the irritable times. I have noticed that he seems very sad, defensive, and frustrated ( at himself mostly) when he lashes out at me. 🙂
"Psychologically it is very good for humans to have such sessions from time to time, as the soul appeases."
I think it could be good to have these times if it were only from time to time. It would be kinda like when I partake of weed, once a week. I used weed as a female Viagra, as it is the only thing that works for me. One hit once a week and it never fails..lol. Weed also lets me let go of all the stress I carry in my body every day, and it is a lot. This helps my autoimmune flares get better as well, because I let go of the stress. However, if I did it every day, I would weigh 300 pounds in no time. 🙂
Maybe you can choose a day to have alcohol while your husband is sober to see how he behaves when drunk, by witnessing you. I would have to get up in the morning and start drinking if I want him to be sober, but I have already tried this approach, as I wrote to another person in this thread. I don't think I want to try that again. Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I do appreciate all your help, and it does help to know other people understand and care.🙂
Know that you have support here and that we can relate in some way of what you are going through. Sharing your story like this is nothing to apologize for. He is your husband and will love you like one. He has his own demons and knows it. Best of luck in everything, you deserve it
@phoenixrisingThank you for your kind comment. It really does help to know others understand and care, especially nowadays with a world so full of negativity. ❤
You're right, he does have his own demons, so do I. Maybe that is the real reason a couple stays together for life. They love each other and try to accept each other's demons. My Husband has had ot deal with so many of my demons. 😔
It isn't easy to take a broken teen, from years of extreme childhood abuse, and hold her close. It isn't easy to hold a porcupine, but he has never let me go, no matter how much I poke him. No matter how hard I have pushed him away. No matter what kind of dirty techniques I have used to try and make him hate me, because I don't think I am worthy of love, he has never let me go. No matter how many times I have been triggered and thrown back into my past due to Chronic PTSD, he has never stopped loving me. These are just a few of my demons, and he has never given up on me, and I will never give up on him.
He is a good man in all ways. I just need to stop feeling so much self-loathing when I feel like I have disappointed him. This is what makes me unable to sleep sometimes. 😔
Thank you so much for your kind and caring comment. It means so much to me. 🙂
@LilymoonHe knows this is true, and I think it hurts him too. He has tried many times over the years to quit drinking, I think mainly because he doesn't want to hurt me. This isn't something we can talk about with each other anymore, though. He has grown very defensive about the topic because he feels so bad about himself. 😔
If I even try to approach the topic, the pain in his eyes, his self-loathing, his feelings of being weak, of being a disappointment to himself and to others, the years of pain he has caused to others, and his knowledge that the only way to forget this is to drink more, it is all in those eyes.😔
This is why I am trying to figure out how to be strong within myself, so I am not affected so much by these passing little irritating times with each other. It is only for an hour or so most nights, and if I could just figure out how to let it roll off my back, I would be a healhtier person. Thank you ( and MadameFrazzelBottom) for your wise,very wise indeed, comment. I really do thank you for your kind and caring response. 🙂
@AdogslifeI have many reasons to be sorry that he struggles with drinking. I love him, and it is very hard to watch someone you love struggle. This makes me sorry for him and for all of us in the family. His parents started paying him sips of their Hugh Balls if he would mix them when he was 9 years old. They were both alcoholics, too. He has been drinking since then. He had diverticulitis last year and almost died. At that time, they found that he had liver damage from decades of drinking. I am sorry about this too. My Husband may be a "drunk", but he has been a functional drunk. He has raised and supported 2 generations of children, as the primary provider, so I could stay home with the kids. We have some kids with special needs, and my staying home wasn't an option. My Husband is a good man in many ways, so the fact that he struggles with this does make me very very sorry. Thank you for your comment. It gave me a reason, a way, to remember what a good man my Husband really is. I do appreciate it.
@Ferise1You know I tried that method once before. I thought if you can't beat em, join em. I started drinking CLC and Coke, because I don't care much for beer. I knew I was playing with fire because almost all of the folks in my family are addicts or alcoholics, but I just didn't care at the moment. 😠
I drank every night, just like my Husband does. Within a week, I knew I was in trouble because I started craving as soon as I woke up. My Husband and I started fighting really bad, because I held a lot of resentment towards him inside me, but when I drank, it all came out. Every night, night after night, I raged at him, until one day he told me this was going to end in divorce.😢
By this point, I had been drinking for a year. I had dropped the Coke and was drinking shot after shot. I stopped eating because eating affected how good the whiskey made me feel. I wasn't happy, but I also knew as soon as I had that first drink I would be numb to his pain again. 😔
It took me a week to make the decision to quit, and it only happened because my Husband asked me if I wanted to fall in love with him again. He said that would happen if I stopped drinking. I desperately wanted this.❤
It wasn't easy to quit, and I went through several changes in my reality during the first week. Drinking like that had affected my mond, so much that my reality wasn't real. I am not sure if that makes much sense, but I didn't sleep very well last night. Please forgive me if I am confusing.😔
I fought the cravings for several months, but finally, after a long time, I didn't want to drink anymore. I can drink now, once in a while, but I never drink enough to get intoxicated. I also never drink more than one day in a row. If I do, I start craving again. So having a six-pack isn't a good answer for me. I do appreciate your humor, as this answer was something I had already tried. In theory, it did seem like a good idea at the time too.🙂 Thank you for your comment. I do appreciate it.🙂
