Do abuser know they are being abusive?

Abusers aren't a monolithic group, so no one answer can characterize the reason behind abuse

I believe they do know. I have been in the vicinity of several in one way or another. One was a husband who called me asking me to help him get his wife back after he had abused her, telling me I have no idea what he had been through when he was a child. Another was a boyfriend of my neighbour who had slammed her up against a cinder block wall because he was looking for the money he asked her to hold for him so he wouldn’t lose it all and have none to get back home with. She was only doing what he asked of her which was to hold it and not give it to him except for when he was needing it to return home. When she did as he had instructed her, he became violent. Another was a neighbour of my brother who was holding his girlfriend’s child hostage as he held a gun. In all these cases they knew what they were doing was wrong. But consciously they were unable to override it and do the right thing. When the subconscious feels threatened it will either go into flight or fight mode. In that case it is virtually impossible to overcome the subconscious and what it makes us do to protect ourselves. When our subconscious is triggered by an event that creates a flashback to our past we do what we need to do to survive. I’m not condoning abuse or making excuses for it. I’m only trying to relay what I have learned about human nature and why it is difficult to overcome and people continue abusive behaviour. It takes rewriting what our subconscious was trained to do so our subconscious doesn’t continue those patterns. For some they find a way to do this instead of taking on those patterns they learned from their environment, and they grow up and are not abusive. For others they seek help to try and stop what they know is wrong. For others they can’t get passed what their subconscious learned in how to protect themselves and getting help is interpreted as another threat. It’s a viscous cycle. The last of these are the ones who repeat their pattern of abuse even though they know it is wrong, it is something they do in reaction to what they see as a threat. I know it doesn’t make sense when you consider some of the situations like an adult abusing a child. And what I’m talking about here is physical and mental/emotional abuse not sexual abuse. To me sexual abuse is altogether different than emotional abuse. But I still think they know it is wrong when sexual abuse is involved.

I don't know but you sure came to the right place to 'find out' 🤣. The Similar Worlds lonely hearts panel of relationship therapists.

Some people know it. Some don't know the extent of their actions

There can be endless scenarios where they do and don’t and everything in between. The abuser could be someone who knows they have to do certain things to get what they want and haven’t put the word “abuse” to it. It can be someone so selfish that they’re willing to abuse, and never stop to think about how it affects anyone.
The abuser could be a child with dmdd who can’t fully grasp abuse yet. It can be a partner with bpd who doesn’t realize the impact they’re having on others.
It can be someone who knows what abuse is, and they feel like it’s justified. Or they know they’re abusive and know they need help, or literally anything else.
It never excuses the abuse.

It depends on the abuser. Some of them do it because it's the only way they know and any other "way" doesn't even occur to them (like a dog barking just because another dog barked). They don't understand that they're being abusive.

Others do it intentionally as a way to get what they want.

Then there's a mix of the two, where they'll do it subconsciously. Which is kind of knowing and kind of unknowing.

From what I've read and experienced, I believe most abusers know what they're doing and are being abusive intentionally. There are also, however, plenty of low level narcissists, plus people with personality disorders, who are not as aware of the impact of their words and actions on others.

Some do others don't.

The ones that do know are the ones you need to run from.

The ones that don't can:

A. change when they realise they're hurting others,

B. Refuse to accept that they're in the wrong and blame everyone/everything else other than themselves

There are probably times times they don’t.

Yes they do my daughter was married to a abuser. And he made everything that went wrong her fault. When he moved on and lived with his new woman he did exactly the same with her. So yes I believe that they know what they are doing he is no longer around anymore he was found face down in a ditch.

It has been my experience that they probably don't know. They are so self seeking and selfish that it is impossible for them to register the impact of their behavior on anyone but themselves.

Usually not in the sense they don’t regard their behavior as abusive. They have rationalizations, justifications, scapegoats, and downplaying.

Thoughtlessness, until the thoughtless incident is dredged up over and over and over again. After that, it could be deliberate to illustrate a point.

If the relationship has been long enough; then grooming by the abuser to the person abused will have tremendous impact

it is part of their personality.. they think what they are doing is right... so they don't realize they are abusive

Yes on the former. Why they do it is another story.

I feel they know it. They just choose to be that way to relish the power of control

Yes I do, they are great actors, change to suit the role needed, they get away with it.

Most abusers are aware of what they do I think 🤔 Though It is so complicated .

Let’s blame them so that they assume responsibility!

Major majority are

It is rare for them to not know it doesn't hurt

We think Letby was fully aware of what she was doing.

I doubt it

For them thats how they communicate, thats the only way they know exist. Mostly its the rage that makes them like that.

Depends on how much denial they are in