I must be a sociopath

I mean, not feeling doesn't mean you're necessarily a sociopath.

I'm more or less getting the vibe that you feel emotions but just don't express what you really feel because you don't feel it's strategic to your situation

and you drink so you can let yourself feel what you REALLY feel.

You don't use these crafted emotions to manipulate others, but you use this crafted emotion to prevent yourself from being manipulated

but it could just be a hunch I have, I dunno

Sociopathy is not a medical diagnosis. What you're experiencing is a symptom of depression.

Not necessarily... you could be the gay dude who figured out that apathy was a form of self preservation from a young enough age that it became normal for you - or you might grieve different to how the textbook says you should.

it'll come

Do not feel bad, I was completely numb at my own Dad's memorial service, seeing him in his casket during the service, then loading him in a small plane to be taken in small town algona, iowa, to be transfered in Des Moines, to be flown to Portland, I did not feel a thing, I think it was six months before I actually broke down. He was murdered two months before my 11th birthday in late february 1981, my mother's jealously and lies causing his death at the hands of her older brother, and covered up with the small iowa county sheriff to make it look like he took his own life, who chased out a retired Portland homicide detective who was a friend of the family, he was warned if he wasn't gone by nightfall the same would happen to him, he split. He got it on tape and took it to the state police, but they just ignored it.