For those with depression /panic attacks / mental disorders

I'm not diagnosed so I don't know what I have.
But feelings I consider abnormal are:
- I get teary eyes, which makes me deeply ashamed and scared people will think I'm weak, handicapped or something like that. I have no idea what it is. It's like being overly emotional for no reason. I remember I had had it even as a kid, like when I was 7-8 but then it was only happening when I was doing one particular thing.

anxiety - rapid heartbeat, brainfog, feeling all over the place, feeling like running away, unable to find words or organize thoughts when talking, tearing up, tight throat, sweating, chills especially in the lower back, very cold hands, chattering teeth, inner tremor, feeling like I will have to go to toilet...well, usual stuff, I guess

depression - like I don't want to deal with any responsibilities and just want to hide in a safe familiar place, away from people to only follow my own needs, everything feels like too much, I'm extremely irritable, frustrated, feel trapped because just as much as thinking about doing something new that involves other people gives me anxiety and feelings of utter repulsion. I have very low self-esteem and don't believe in myself. I feel like any effort would be pointless because I wouldn't be able to enjoy the results anyway and the struggle I would have to overcome wouldn't even be the worth it in the end. So it forces me to stick to a familiar routine even if the routine is boring, frustrating and makes me want to drop everything and just run away somewhere far away. But I can't run away because every escape requires shitload of unpleasant dealing with other people, paperwork, planning, getting important information which feels too overwhelming.

And then I'm scared of scammers or people who exist just to fuck others over etc. I think this way: if you're already anxious and all over the place you get scatterbrained and can overlook important information, get tricked by other people who see you're not okay, forget something somewhere, not read some document properly and sign something you shouldn't have signed, do a lot of things wrong just to get done with some interaction as fast as possible etc.

I’d describe it as more as a drowning, like everything is on top of you and you have to keep kicking your feet to keep above it, it’s exhausting but it’s better than the alternative of going under

I have PTSD from a rough childhood through 27 years in the US Army, and it is combination of depression and anxiety that I have. I do not let it rule or to ruin my life and how I choose to live it. Unlike you I do not feel it is batting me around like a lion, but more of an avoidance of things that trigger me. Like crowds, or rude mean spirited, or ignorant people. If I perceive a threat, then I leave the immediate area of the threat calmly and collectively with the ever readiness to go to war in the blink of an eye. For me it is not being batted around, but more of a monster inside of me looking for a place to release its explosive energy into.

With a father that beat me bloody for discipline, inner city gang/street fights in the early 1970's to the Violence that the Army wanted purported upon our enemies in war. Combined over a 27-year career and training, I call it a monster I do not wish to let loose.

So, I retired to a farm and build things and work my forestry farm business and I cross-dress to cope and deal, as well as continued Counseling at a VA Hospital.

I feel my depression as an almost physical thing - sitting on my shoulder, ready to ruin my most precious and special moments.

While tripping on LSD, I was thinking of my anorexia. I came to the conclusion that I have no goal weight, I just want to be so small that I become nothing.

Depression here. I feel nothing at all. A big, vast chasm of nothing.

That's how my brain feels today. So emotionally exhausted. I think the mistake I made was that I tried to even things out, make the other person happy too. I thought of what they needed and tried to give it to them because I thought they deserved it, but that ended up backfiring. I shouldn't have given up 0,000000001% of my comfort trying to make them happy. It's not worth it

That’s not a mental disorder or a depression . That’s a survivor in my eyes

Empty devoid of positivity and faith that life will ever improve 🥺

when it hits, I feel like I'm in quicksand trying so hard to get out of it

Honestly anxiety makes me physically ill.

My chest gets tight
I get dizzy and light headed
I sweat alot and my outbursts and tics get really bad

the. numb phase. :(

Have you found a solution? How are you tackling it?

no, never felt like that, sounds unusual.

I already wrote about it.

https://similarworlds.com/thoughts/personal-feelings/4341117-Whats-schizophrenia-and-mental-illness-like-for

2nd class

Hollow and empty during the bad times.