I was a coward at the therapist office... I don't know what else I expected.

As per the homework she asked of me last week...I wrote briefly about the sexual trauma I went through... we discussed it... she wanted me to let go of the guilt and anger and resentment I have for it. She tried her best.
I was following her lead.

But the deepest issue is not about the experiences per se... it is about the repecussions of them. My sexual needs and fantasies and everything is so messed up I am so ashamed of them.

I told her one particular experience was shameful to me to high extent, even though it was the most normal one. Innocent I was say. But the way it shaped me is disgusting in a way I cannot accept and I hate myself for.

I didn't tell her any of that. I just nodded. Said she was right and moved on to another part of my life.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Top | New | Old

kodiac · 22-25, M

It's really a catch 22 kind of thing ,usually the thing the therapist needs to know the most are the hardest to talk about . But it's hard for the therapist to do good work without knowing everything. You're simply protecting yourself it's a natural Instinct, the therapist expects us to trust them but trusting someone is what got us hurt to begin with. I have big issues with how my body reacted to the abuse ,facing the fact that it responded even though i was suffering has been a hard thing ,it took me years to speak about that part. I think you're on the right path.

PhoenixPhail · M

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Memories like these often feel shaming. But it's not your shame, it's someone else's. Don't be afraid to share your feelings with your therapist. She'll understand. You can include that you feel shame about something that happened. She'll understand that, too.

DunningKruger · 61-69, M

You've been traumatized, that's what's wrong with you. You don't get over that in two therapy sessions. It's an ongoing process, and it's a lot of work, to move beyond that. I don't know that you will ever be "cured," but you can, eventually, learn to move beyond it.

You have to do the work, though. It's slow and it's hard, but it's the only way. So listen to your therapist, put in the work, and be easy on yourself. It's not your fault.

4meAndyou · F

There is nothing wrong with you. It's just that when you were a child, you were like a piece of soft, malleable clay, and then someone evil messed around with the shape of your soul. They messed around with your formation as an entire being. If you had entered therapy immediately, as a child, perhaps all of that could have been repaired more easily. NOW the clay has hardened...so the repairs will be more traumatic for you.

NickyLee · 41-45

@4meAndyou It is amazing how some early childhood experiences can have such a strong and lasting impact. Luckily, I was cursed with two very "g" rated and innocent things that control a big aspect of my life

samueltyler2 · 80-89, M

You are embarrassed, which is expected. Hopefully in time, you will be able to be more frank. The therapist is trained not to react.

NickyLee · 41-45

Nothing is wrong with you. You didn't choose to like what you do, at least not initially.

Ironhand · 51-55, M

Societal pressure and "standards" or norms often lead perfectly healthy people to feel like they are fucked up. I know, because I've been in your shoes..

Friendlyperson · 26-30, F

@Ironhand
What do you mean?
Those are not healthy fantasies, and they are not accompanied with pleasurable experience. They shameful to me. Also, I think you need to have the bigger picture.

Add a comment...