I was a coward at the therapist office... I don't know what else I expected.

As per the homework she asked of me last week...I wrote briefly about the sexual trauma I went through... we discussed it... she wanted me to let go of the guilt and anger and resentment I have for it. She tried her best.
I was following her lead.

But the deepest issue is not about the experiences per se... it is about the repecussions of them. My sexual needs and fantasies and everything is so messed up I am so ashamed of them.

I told her one particular experience was shameful to me to high extent, even though it was the most normal one. Innocent I was say. But the way it shaped me is disgusting in a way I cannot accept and I hate myself for.

I didn't tell her any of that. I just nodded. Said she was right and moved on to another part of my life.

What the hell is wrong with me?

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kodiac · 22-25, M

It's really a catch 22 kind of thing ,usually the thing the therapist needs to know the most are the hardest to talk about . But it's hard for the therapist to do good work without knowing everything. You're simply protecting yourself it's a natural Instinct, the therapist expects us to trust them but trusting someone is what got us hurt to begin with. I have big issues with how my body reacted to the abuse ,facing the fact that it responded even though i was suffering has been a hard thing ,it took me years to speak about that part. I think you're on the right path.