I was a coward at the therapist office... I don't know what else I expected.

As per the homework she asked of me last week...I wrote briefly about the sexual trauma I went through... we discussed it... she wanted me to let go of the guilt and anger and resentment I have for it. She tried her best.
I was following her lead.

But the deepest issue is not about the experiences per se... it is about the repecussions of them. My sexual needs and fantasies and everything is so messed up I am so ashamed of them.

I told her one particular experience was shameful to me to high extent, even though it was the most normal one. Innocent I was say. But the way it shaped me is disgusting in a way I cannot accept and I hate myself for.

I didn't tell her any of that. I just nodded. Said she was right and moved on to another part of my life.

What the hell is wrong with me?

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4meAndyou · F

There is nothing wrong with you. It's just that when you were a child, you were like a piece of soft, malleable clay, and then someone evil messed around with the shape of your soul. They messed around with your formation as an entire being. If you had entered therapy immediately, as a child, perhaps all of that could have been repaired more easily. NOW the clay has hardened...so the repairs will be more traumatic for you.

NickyLee · 41-45

@4meAndyou It is amazing how some early childhood experiences can have such a strong and lasting impact. Luckily, I was cursed with two very "g" rated and innocent things that control a big aspect of my life