rinkydinkydoink · M
First one that came to mind...
[media=https://youtu.be/Cl8iB8zhnvE]
This joke is pretty good, too..
All his life, Feffer wanted a tailored suit. Finally, at the age of 65, he went to get himself one. He was measured. He came for the first fitting. He came back two weeks later for the second. A week after that he went to pick up the suit.
He tried it on and looked at himself in the mirror. He could not believe how elegant he looked.
“Gorgeous,” Klein the tailor said.
“Unbelievable,” said Klein’s assistant.
“Only one thing,” said Klein. “You have a little scoliosis. Maybe you didn’t know. But your right shoulder droops. I did what I could to correct for it, but there’s only so much I can do. If you really want the suit to look good you’ll hoist your right shoulder a little.”
Feffer hoists his right shoulder.
“Ooh!” says the assistant.
“Wow,” says the tailor.
Feffer begins to go. “One more thing,” says the tailor. “Your right leg—maybe you don’t know—is about an eighth of an inch shorter than your left. I did what I could to correct for it, but you don’t want too much material on one side compared with the other side. So if you just straighten your right leg and bend your left leg a little, it’ll fall perfectly.”
Feffer straightens his right leg and bends his left leg.
“There!” says the assistant.
“Magnificent,” says the tailor.
“One final thing,” says the tailor. “Because you’re bending one leg and straightening the other, the crotch area is a little off balance, so if you just tilt your knees out a little…there!”
And the assistant says, “I’m crying it’s so handsome.”
Feffer leaves and exits onto 48th Street. He walks down the block with one shoulder up, one leg straight, one leg bent, his knees bowed out.
He passes two men.
One says, “Oh my, do you see that horribly crippled man? He must have been in a terrible industrial accident.”
“Yes,” says the other, “but that’s a beautiful suit he’s wearing.”
[media=https://youtu.be/Cl8iB8zhnvE]
This joke is pretty good, too..
All his life, Feffer wanted a tailored suit. Finally, at the age of 65, he went to get himself one. He was measured. He came for the first fitting. He came back two weeks later for the second. A week after that he went to pick up the suit.
He tried it on and looked at himself in the mirror. He could not believe how elegant he looked.
“Gorgeous,” Klein the tailor said.
“Unbelievable,” said Klein’s assistant.
“Only one thing,” said Klein. “You have a little scoliosis. Maybe you didn’t know. But your right shoulder droops. I did what I could to correct for it, but there’s only so much I can do. If you really want the suit to look good you’ll hoist your right shoulder a little.”
Feffer hoists his right shoulder.
“Ooh!” says the assistant.
“Wow,” says the tailor.
Feffer begins to go. “One more thing,” says the tailor. “Your right leg—maybe you don’t know—is about an eighth of an inch shorter than your left. I did what I could to correct for it, but you don’t want too much material on one side compared with the other side. So if you just straighten your right leg and bend your left leg a little, it’ll fall perfectly.”
Feffer straightens his right leg and bends his left leg.
“There!” says the assistant.
“Magnificent,” says the tailor.
“One final thing,” says the tailor. “Because you’re bending one leg and straightening the other, the crotch area is a little off balance, so if you just tilt your knees out a little…there!”
And the assistant says, “I’m crying it’s so handsome.”
Feffer leaves and exits onto 48th Street. He walks down the block with one shoulder up, one leg straight, one leg bent, his knees bowed out.
He passes two men.
One says, “Oh my, do you see that horribly crippled man? He must have been in a terrible industrial accident.”
“Yes,” says the other, “but that’s a beautiful suit he’s wearing.”
Likestoenjoylife · 51-55, M
Not socially correct warning:
Company wanted to buy land to build a factory but an Indian owned the land they went to him to try and get him to sell he said Bowels no move so they told him to go see a Dr. He went to the Dr told him Bowels no move so he gave him a pill said take it everyday for 2 weeks and come back.
2 weeks later he came back and said Bowels still not move so the Dr gave him a more potent pill and said take one aday and come back in 2 weeks.
Hr came back and said Bowels still not move so he gave him the strongest pill he could said take one aday and come back in 2 weeks.
He came back in 2 weeks said Bowels have to move Tee Pee full of poop!
Company wanted to buy land to build a factory but an Indian owned the land they went to him to try and get him to sell he said Bowels no move so they told him to go see a Dr. He went to the Dr told him Bowels no move so he gave him a pill said take it everyday for 2 weeks and come back.
2 weeks later he came back and said Bowels still not move so the Dr gave him a more potent pill and said take one aday and come back in 2 weeks.
Hr came back and said Bowels still not move so he gave him the strongest pill he could said take one aday and come back in 2 weeks.
He came back in 2 weeks said Bowels have to move Tee Pee full of poop!
Sidewinder · 36-40, M
A Father drives his Son home from School.
They've already travelled a few miles down the road when the Son looks out the window and says: "Hey, Dad, look over there, a moo-moo."
The Father says: "That's not a moo-moo, that's a cow, now call it by it's real name."
They travel a few more miles down the road, then the Son looks out the window and says: "Hey, Dad, look over there, a baa-baa."
The Father says: "That's not a baa-baa, that's a sheep, now call it by it's real name."
They travel a few more miles down the road, and the Son looks out the window once again and says: "Hey, Dad, look over there, a bow-wow."
The Father says: "That's not a bow-wow, that's a dog, now call it by it's real name."
They finally get home and get settled in and eventually, the Son is reading a book.
The Father asks: "Hey, Son, what book are you reading?"
And the Son replies: "Winnie the Shit."
They've already travelled a few miles down the road when the Son looks out the window and says: "Hey, Dad, look over there, a moo-moo."
The Father says: "That's not a moo-moo, that's a cow, now call it by it's real name."
They travel a few more miles down the road, then the Son looks out the window and says: "Hey, Dad, look over there, a baa-baa."
The Father says: "That's not a baa-baa, that's a sheep, now call it by it's real name."
They travel a few more miles down the road, and the Son looks out the window once again and says: "Hey, Dad, look over there, a bow-wow."
The Father says: "That's not a bow-wow, that's a dog, now call it by it's real name."
They finally get home and get settled in and eventually, the Son is reading a book.
The Father asks: "Hey, Son, what book are you reading?"
And the Son replies: "Winnie the Shit."
lissah · 36-40, F
A woman and her toddler were driving down the freeway when all of a sudden the car in front of them drives over a 12 inch dildo laying in the road. It bounces up and hits their windshield, then bounces up again over the top of the car, a second 'thud' as it hits the roof of the car, and eventually behind them as they drive on down the road. The young girl in the backseat asks "What was that Mommy?" "Uhh- I'm not sure darling, I think it was just a big bug!" The girl says "It must've been REAL big, did you see the size of its cock?!"
“They say Trump is the greatest president…
— which is amazing, because even Mount Rushmore is like, ‘Sir, we’re at capacity.’”
— which is amazing, because even Mount Rushmore is like, ‘Sir, we’re at capacity.’”
GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M
Allelse · 36-40, M
American political ads.
LordShadowfire · 46-50, M
That this website cares about stamping out racism, homophobia, etc.
Rolexeo · 26-30, M
Your momma is so slow it took her 9 months to make a joke
beermeplease · M
Ferise1 · 46-50, M
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big all-in-one department store looking for a job. The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The guy replies, “Yeah, I used to sell vacuum cleaners in Omaha.”
The boss likes him and decides to give him a shot. “You start tomorrow,” he says. “I’ll come down after we close to see how you did.”
The first day on the job is tough, but the kid gets through it. After the store is locked up, the boss comes down to check in.
“How many customers bought something from you today?” he asks.
The kid replies, “One.”
The manager, surprised, says, “Just one? Our salespeople usually serve 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says, “$101,237.65.”
The manager is stunned. “$101,237.65?! What on earth did you sell?”
The kid explains, “Well, first I sold him a small fishing hook. Then I sold him a medium fishing hook. Then a larger hook. After that, I sold him a new fishing rod. I asked where he was going to fish, and he said the coast, so I suggested he might need a boat. We went to the boat department, and I sold him a twin-engine Boston Whaler. Then he realized his Honda Civic couldn’t tow it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the 4×4 Expedition.”
Amazed, the boss says, “A guy came in to buy a fishing hook, and you sold him a BOAT and a CAR?”
The kid smiles and says, “No, he came in to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Buddy, your weekend’s shot—you should go fishing.’”
The guy replies, “Yeah, I used to sell vacuum cleaners in Omaha.”
The boss likes him and decides to give him a shot. “You start tomorrow,” he says. “I’ll come down after we close to see how you did.”
The first day on the job is tough, but the kid gets through it. After the store is locked up, the boss comes down to check in.
“How many customers bought something from you today?” he asks.
The kid replies, “One.”
The manager, surprised, says, “Just one? Our salespeople usually serve 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says, “$101,237.65.”
The manager is stunned. “$101,237.65?! What on earth did you sell?”
The kid explains, “Well, first I sold him a small fishing hook. Then I sold him a medium fishing hook. Then a larger hook. After that, I sold him a new fishing rod. I asked where he was going to fish, and he said the coast, so I suggested he might need a boat. We went to the boat department, and I sold him a twin-engine Boston Whaler. Then he realized his Honda Civic couldn’t tow it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the 4×4 Expedition.”
Amazed, the boss says, “A guy came in to buy a fishing hook, and you sold him a BOAT and a CAR?”
The kid smiles and says, “No, he came in to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Buddy, your weekend’s shot—you should go fishing.’”