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Are the holidays a trigger for anyone else?

And furthermore..if it's not one thing, it's your mother?

I went to my parents' to bring a candy bouquet to dad since he just got back in town from his back surgery.

My dad couldn't get up, so my mom 馃槖馃檮 had to get the door. I was there for DAD, and dad ALONE..not.her.abusive.ass.

She kept interjecting and trying to talk to me, knowing full well she lied endlessly in our counseling session, saying I BRANDISHED A BUTCHER KNIFE at her, threatening her LIFE, etc.

As I was leaving, she perkily said that a family friend made them chicken noodle soup, and she had saved me some, and would I like to hang out there for a little while.

NO. I would NOT like to be cajoled with FOOD after the food addiction you instigated, mother. NO. I would NOT like to pal around with you after you ruined my entire family and took my nieces and nephews from me.

Grrr. She gets EXACTLY what she wants when she does this. A sob story that "Brittany is so rude", when I am just drawing a RESOLUTE BOUNDARY.

Don't get me started on the BOUNDARIES book she gifted me!!!!! I drove home weeping. This will be my 4th Christmas alone, and dad looked so weak and old 馃槳馃槳馃槳
Queendragonfly31-35, F
You're not alone. Christmas was never happy safe times when I grew up. I remember fights. Blood and abuse. Destroyed Christmas presents. Being locked out from the house in -20. Mom taking off abandoning us kids. Grandpa going in with ambulance. And I was badly abused by my ex one Christmas too. I escaped and ran outside on the winter night storm and waited for a car to pick me up and just take me away. But maybe I'd just end up in a new dangerous situation so I went back with my tail between my legs hoping he'd understand..

Thank you for this post. It's hard hearing people go "WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS TRADITION?"

And just not coming up with any good memory. Makes me sad.

I have good holiday memories with my boyfriend but I don't really remember them that well. I just remember what didn't happen. I'm probably very dissociative during the Christmas holidays.

What I look forward to the most is when my brother in law comes cause he has a dog. And it makes me so happy to be around dogs because my old dog was the only good happy part about Christmas. I could take him out when it was too much noise inside and we would enjoy the winter stars and how silent the whole neighborhood is and just me and him. Happiness.
Queendragonfly31-35, F
@foldedunfolding Maybe I need to have the program you sent it from?
foldedunfolding36-40, FVIP
@Queendragonfly no..there isnt an app or anything..i can hear it on my end..not sure
Queendragonfly31-35, F
@foldedunfolding Both me and my boyfriend tried putting our heads together to figure it out but we couldn't find anything , I'm hopeless with technology 馃槕
caPnAhab26-30, M
Sorry but your mom sounds terrible! I mean I'm sorry she's your mom... Hope your dad got to enjoy his candy and recovers soon, though.


Holidays for me are fine. Only thing is, it makes work 10x more stressful. But that's just whatever.
caPnAhab26-30, M
@foldedunfolding you don't deserve any of that
foldedunfolding36-40, FVIP
@caPnAhab that is a deep thing you just said..im not sure if you realize just how deep
caPnAhab26-30, M
@foldedunfolding is it? I hadn't realized actually. I honestly don't relate fully, as I love my mom.

But my mom has a similar relationship with her dad. He was cruel to her and showed obvious favoritism between her and my aunts/uncles.
AlienFoxF
Family is dead. I hate holidays. I still do stuff for my kid, but I'd rather be left alone.
foldedunfolding36-40, FVIP
@AlienFox im sorry..i sometimes wish they would go away altogether..the alone people just feel so left out and..well..ALONE
Jeephikelove46-50, F
I鈥檓 sorry that your mother is an abusive beeoch. You didn鈥檛 deserve to be treated so horribly nor did you do anything wrong. 馃馃

Christmas has sucked for years, trying to make the best of it. 3rd Christmas without my brother. 馃槩
foldedunfolding36-40, FVIP
@Jeephikelove thank you for validating and not judging me. gosh that is so rough. it also sucks having a brother who is ALIVE but refusing to speak to me 馃槳 im sorry for your pain too.
Jeephikelove46-50, F
@foldedunfolding ohh ya, that sucks even more, I鈥檓 so sorry.

Thank you
foldedunfolding36-40, FVIP
@Jeephikelove not comparing and contrasting love..hope i didnt make it seem that way..it just fucking sucks to have an alive brother actively choose to be dead to me 馃槳
Nitedoc51-55, M
I know bad it feels. I've spent a few holidays alone too. The worst for me was when people looked at me so pitifully.
Nitedoc51-55, M
@foldedunfolding I'd like to talk to you in DM's soon.
foldedunfolding36-40, FVIP
@Nitedoc im sorry im not a dm's person
Nitedoc51-55, M
Starcrossed41-45, F
Holidays being a trigger was one of the discussion points in my therapy session this morning.
Starcrossed41-45, F
@foldedunfolding well... this Thanksgiving one of my extended inlaws has requested no alcohol and I surprisingly have some pretty strong multidimensional feelings over it. Ultimately though I think I've decided to go into it accepting it and being supportive of the family member who asked and that my motives for doing so [vs instead to insisting my want/*need* be met and to have alcohol allowed to help me be less anxious as is a historical experience on holidays predating the ones spent with these particular relatives] anyway my motives to comply aren't codependent rooted and just out of people pleasing but rather are a genuine want to be supportive family member and acceptance that I will experience discomfort but know I will be okay.
Starcrossed41-45, F
@foldedunfolding but yeah, I can still validate my 'dry Thanksgiving is going to suck balls and I do not want' feels without completely succumbing to my internal tempertantrum over it and either and refusing to go or showing up with a negative attitude.
Starcrossed41-45, F
I feel I need to reiterate how not looking forward to Thanksgiving I am this year and that's so disappointing because awkward relative small talk and exhausting cooking too many things at once extravaganza aside, I [i]love[/i] the holiday. 馃槙

And I've been going through my own internal judgments about how I don't [i]need[/i] alcohol but yet also discussing with husband various ways e could try and compromise [like we have some ourselves in the kitchen while cooking but just not at the dining room table]. Then feeling mad at myself for even suggesting we try to compromise. Wondering about my own struggles with addictions and how they relate to my codependency which I've done a ton of work on the past couple years.

The whole no alcohol request brought up a lot of personal inner struggle.
Sojournersoul100+, M
It does. For some reason my dad who was abusive got worse during the holidays.

Sorry your mom is like that and you cried all the way home. Heart goes out to you. 馃
foldedunfolding36-40, FVIP
@Sojournersoul oh yeah she always tries to pull shit at the holidays. she "invites" me just so she can be extra cruel and push me away so i wont come..thereby making me the villain. im really sorry about your dad..epitome of evil.
Sojournersoul100+, M
@foldedunfolding hope your dad gets better soon so you can spent some time outside of that toxic environment
Convivial26-30, F
Not much to say except stand your ground and be with your dad... Maybe some zoom sessions with him regularly just to cheer him up
foldedunfolding36-40, FVIP
@Convivial i have done everything in my power to be around him. he has only gone on 2 daddy daughter dates with me this year, and one time he came over to look at my garage door. i cherish every minute..i just wish he wasnt in the middle, and that she would stop trying to insinuate herself. i already know im prob out of the will too. they made it a point to call a "family" meeting just to point out that only my siblings will be in charge of will stuff. they also get keys to the house..use of the vehicles..my parents even fly thousands of miles to babysit for my sister. it is so unfair and hurtful, when i am the only one who stayed in town, 20 mins from them.
Convivial26-30, F
@foldedunfolding what you describe is not unusual... Painful still though...I think the phrase my way or the highway is what your mother wants
Ducky31-35, F
I鈥檓 so sorry, precious. 馃槥 馃珎
Ducky31-35, F
@foldedunfolding I hope it can pass easily enough for you, poor precious. 馃槩
foldedunfolding36-40, FVIP
@Ducky love you 鈾○煒
Ducky31-35, F
@foldedunfolding No, I love you. 馃槝
I think about the holidays I used to enjoy with extended family, that we don't now. All because my grandmother disowned my mom for not yelling at me after I took him a friend of mine who was going to be homeless if I did nothing.
foldedunfolding36-40, FVIP
@LordShadowfire i swear we live in upside down land. all good deeds are punished, while the evil get off scot free!! im sorry, friend.
@foldedunfolding I'm sorry for what you've been through as well.

 
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