ElwoodBlues · M
If you're considering corporal punishment in any way shape or form, you ought to acquaint yourself with the research on the topic. TLDR: it's a bad idea.
World Health Org, among others, has studied corporal punishment extensively.
Also see National Institutes of Health
Also see American Academy of Pediatrics:
Full disclosure: I was spanked as a child; my wife was not. My mother-in-law convinced me to avoid anything like spanking. I found it much harder to avoid spanking than I expected, but I'm very very glad I did. We now have two fullgrown boys on their own and contributing to their communities.
World Health Org, among others, has studied corporal punishment extensively.
* Evidence shows corporal punishment increases children’s behavioural problems over time and has no positive outcomes.
* All corporal punishment, however mild or light, carries an inbuilt risk of escalation. Studies suggest that parents who used corporal punishment are at heightened risk of perpetrating severe maltreatment.
* Corporal punishment is linked to a range of negative outcomes for children across countries and cultures, including physical and mental ill-health, impaired cognitive and socio-emotional development, poor educational outcomes, increased aggression and perpetration of violence.
https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/corporal-punishment-and-health* All corporal punishment, however mild or light, carries an inbuilt risk of escalation. Studies suggest that parents who used corporal punishment are at heightened risk of perpetrating severe maltreatment.
* Corporal punishment is linked to a range of negative outcomes for children across countries and cultures, including physical and mental ill-health, impaired cognitive and socio-emotional development, poor educational outcomes, increased aggression and perpetration of violence.
Also see National Institutes of Health
MORE HARM THAN GOOD: A SUMMARY OF SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH ON THE INTENDED AND UNINTENDED EFFECTS OF CORPORAL PUNISHMENT ON CHILDREN
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8386132/Also see American Academy of Pediatrics:
Aversive disciplinary strategies, including all forms of corporal punishment and yelling at or shaming children, are minimally effective in the short-term and not effective in the long-term. With new evidence, researchers link corporal punishment to an increased risk of negative behavioral, cognitive, psychosocial, and emotional outcomes for children.
[bhttps://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/142/6/e20183112/37452/Effective-Discipline-to-Raise-Healthy-Children?autologincheck=redirected[/b]Full disclosure: I was spanked as a child; my wife was not. My mother-in-law convinced me to avoid anything like spanking. I found it much harder to avoid spanking than I expected, but I'm very very glad I did. We now have two fullgrown boys on their own and contributing to their communities.
HelenJohnson · 31-35, F
@ElwoodBlues well I was on the receiving end of that myself so I’m pretty familiar with how it works
OogieBoogie · F
@ElwoodBlues you nailed so much on the head. Esp the 'perpetuation' part.
Sometimes they bring it school.
Those that repress it make it become genrational and do it to their kids.
Some bury it so deep, and if its the only touch they get from their parents, it can get attached to the reward part of their brain and become a kink.
The earlier crap happens to you, the deeper the damamge sits...
....and the harder it is to let go.
It was hard for me too. I remember once i snapped. I was gonna give my daughter what for.....my partner came in a stopped me.
Thank heavens.
Its not the solution people think it is.
Its the equivalent of shoving everything under the bed to tidy up - it doesnt 'deal' with the reasons or problems - it just makes them hide deeper.
Sometimes they bring it school.
Those that repress it make it become genrational and do it to their kids.
Some bury it so deep, and if its the only touch they get from their parents, it can get attached to the reward part of their brain and become a kink.
The earlier crap happens to you, the deeper the damamge sits...
....and the harder it is to let go.
It was hard for me too. I remember once i snapped. I was gonna give my daughter what for.....my partner came in a stopped me.
Thank heavens.
Its not the solution people think it is.
Its the equivalent of shoving everything under the bed to tidy up - it doesnt 'deal' with the reasons or problems - it just makes them hide deeper.
SouthernGuy1987 · 36-40, M
@HelenJohnson How were you disciplined at home growing up? Were you spanked
OogieBoogie · F
Good lawd this sounds like a toxic training program for dogs!
Sorry .... but it really does😂
Yeah - i consider that have lots of experience, a mum of two, and i work with teenagers.
Ive studied child psychology and learnt that every child is different and each has their own psychological needs.
Sometimes blanket rules don't work....sometimes they do.🤷♀... but dont magically expect blanket rules to just 'work'.
If you want respect, and for them to take your advice, you earn it.
Its that simple.
They aren't little kids. they are young adults in training.
Learn who they each are. Show interest.
Model for them how to be a good adult. Debate, reason, learn to bargain with them.
Give them the opportunitues to practice and learn these traits, and teach them why.
Use fuck ups as learning experiences....for you all.
- sometime kids act up coz they need to let off steam over something else. Sometimes they do it coz they deeply need attention.
Work out the deeper whys when something goes wrong - it could be a call for help about something else in their life.
Sometimes inflicting a punishment when its a call for help will only alienate you, foster feelings of hate and injustice in them.
If you guide them with
Honesty
Respect
Responsibility and
Consistency, (all the traits you expect) - and model the correct behaivour, you'll get the the compliance or 'obedience' as you phrase it.
And Reward and acknowledge the good - ie: positive reinforcement.
And keep your cool.
If you want to be who they look up to, you need to be the one they feel safe with.
These are young minds, growing souls - they need guidance.
NOT an army camp.
Also:
'MOS situations' is a military term used for soldiers in speciality training.
They aren't soldiers.
They are family.
Sorry .... but it really does😂
Yeah - i consider that have lots of experience, a mum of two, and i work with teenagers.
Ive studied child psychology and learnt that every child is different and each has their own psychological needs.
Sometimes blanket rules don't work....sometimes they do.🤷♀... but dont magically expect blanket rules to just 'work'.
If you want respect, and for them to take your advice, you earn it.
Its that simple.
They aren't little kids. they are young adults in training.
Learn who they each are. Show interest.
Model for them how to be a good adult. Debate, reason, learn to bargain with them.
Give them the opportunitues to practice and learn these traits, and teach them why.
Use fuck ups as learning experiences....for you all.
- sometime kids act up coz they need to let off steam over something else. Sometimes they do it coz they deeply need attention.
Work out the deeper whys when something goes wrong - it could be a call for help about something else in their life.
Sometimes inflicting a punishment when its a call for help will only alienate you, foster feelings of hate and injustice in them.
If you guide them with
Honesty
Respect
Responsibility and
Consistency, (all the traits you expect) - and model the correct behaivour, you'll get the the compliance or 'obedience' as you phrase it.
And Reward and acknowledge the good - ie: positive reinforcement.
And keep your cool.
If you want to be who they look up to, you need to be the one they feel safe with.
These are young minds, growing souls - they need guidance.
NOT an army camp.
Also:
'MOS situations' is a military term used for soldiers in speciality training.
They aren't soldiers.
They are family.
View 1 more replies »
OogieBoogie · F
@HelenJohnson Well no, not really. All that is, is a form of bullying in itself. It's tyranical.
You cant treat bullying, with bullying....you end up being a hypocrite and losing their respect.
Remember - you're the adult here. Youre the one who is supposed to have it all worked out.
Resorting to violence within a family unit is psychologically damaging.
A family is a microcosm of society. Ergo, you model civil and social based rules to adequately prepare them for adult life.
Using 'discipline' only reinforces a bullying attitude🤷♀
We see this at school...kids who are 'taught from fear'.
They end up enacting it on their peers.
They see it modeled at home and feel helpless, and therefore end up the agressors to gain some sense of power back.
It doesnt teach self control....it teaches fear.
🤷♀
You cant treat bullying, with bullying....you end up being a hypocrite and losing their respect.
Remember - you're the adult here. Youre the one who is supposed to have it all worked out.
Resorting to violence within a family unit is psychologically damaging.
A family is a microcosm of society. Ergo, you model civil and social based rules to adequately prepare them for adult life.
Using 'discipline' only reinforces a bullying attitude🤷♀
We see this at school...kids who are 'taught from fear'.
They end up enacting it on their peers.
They see it modeled at home and feel helpless, and therefore end up the agressors to gain some sense of power back.
It doesnt teach self control....it teaches fear.
🤷♀
UnderLockDown · M
@OogieBoogie I love the way you word things, it usually gives me a little chuckle.😆
OogieBoogie · F
@UnderLockDown hehe😂...it does?
Ta🤗
I think im just around teenagers too much. Theres not much space for fancy words and subtitles 🤷♀
Ta🤗
I think im just around teenagers too much. Theres not much space for fancy words and subtitles 🤷♀
SW-User
Those are very common, you are not alone! Please let me know if I can be of assistance.
FreddieUK · 70-79, M
@SW-User You claim to be a church worker. No church with a proper safeguarding policy would allow a 'single, straight' young man to be in a role where advice on the physical chastisement of females is offered. Nice fantasy though which I am sure will have its appeal to some,
OogieBoogie · F
@FreddieUK i was just looking up 'biblical punishment' .
And it literally uses the words:
" Includes Consequences: While focusing on training, it includes appropriate consequences, such as the "rod" mentioned in Proverbs, to provide clear, firm boundaries when necessary."
There are many that use religion as a 'reason' to justify aberent behaviour.🫤
Its fucked up
And it literally uses the words:
" Includes Consequences: While focusing on training, it includes appropriate consequences, such as the "rod" mentioned in Proverbs, to provide clear, firm boundaries when necessary."
There are many that use religion as a 'reason' to justify aberent behaviour.🫤
Its fucked up
Casheyane · 31-35, F
You're young. They're younger.
I'm no mom. But I am a guardian of adults lol.
My two cents. Bond. Do things together. Get to know each other.
At the teens age, you know they are still curious about a lot of things. They probably haven't experienced hardships and don't understand struggles. Their whole world is focused on what they want to become.
It helps to get them to understand why some things are important and why some things must be done.
They might fail and need you to explain again and again. Be patient. Some things don't need words though. Some people learn by watching you do things and live your life.
Love is a language that is different for everybody. Learn theirs. Love them in their language. Teach them yours.
Respect is something earned. So earn it and don't just demand. This would help you on the disciplining part.
Good luck ;)
I'm no mom. But I am a guardian of adults lol.
My two cents. Bond. Do things together. Get to know each other.
At the teens age, you know they are still curious about a lot of things. They probably haven't experienced hardships and don't understand struggles. Their whole world is focused on what they want to become.
It helps to get them to understand why some things are important and why some things must be done.
They might fail and need you to explain again and again. Be patient. Some things don't need words though. Some people learn by watching you do things and live your life.
Love is a language that is different for everybody. Learn theirs. Love them in their language. Teach them yours.
Respect is something earned. So earn it and don't just demand. This would help you on the disciplining part.
Good luck ;)
Casheyane · 31-35, F
@HelenJohnson I kind of felt that reading your words actually.
But you know, the things that felt like dreams and magic to us when we were kids if only because we didn't have them, the things we wish we could have had at the time...things that were not there when you looked.
Just imagine it this way. You can bring that kind of warmth, that magic in the home you have now. And more.
So it's up to you to build the kind of home that would be warm, safe and welcoming for all of you. :) It starts with you.
But you know, the things that felt like dreams and magic to us when we were kids if only because we didn't have them, the things we wish we could have had at the time...things that were not there when you looked.
Just imagine it this way. You can bring that kind of warmth, that magic in the home you have now. And more.
So it's up to you to build the kind of home that would be warm, safe and welcoming for all of you. :) It starts with you.
Justbegood · 31-35, M
Yes , my step daughter is around that age. Drop me a message if you want to chat.
Strictmichael75 · 61-69, M
Seems like good advice
And you make decisions from there
I am sure you will manage Helen
And you make decisions from there
I am sure you will manage Helen
lisad1975x · 51-55, F
You're beautiful. A lot of teenage _boys_ would _love_ to find themselves under the supervision of a caring but strict stepmom like you, as long as your strictness stayed caring and sensitive, and you used your beauty to its advantage (and your husband was OK with that).
Most teenage girls, likely not so much...
Maybe your husband has siblings who have sons who might possibly find they have a deep appreciation for a friendly but strict hot step-aunt?
Most teenage girls, likely not so much...
Maybe your husband has siblings who have sons who might possibly find they have a deep appreciation for a friendly but strict hot step-aunt?
HelenJohnson · 31-35, F
@lisad1975x Very different from what I’m asking advice on.
I might be very wrong, and sometimes people probably see me as stupid, but I actually taught that most parents would want kids that were honest and didn’t lye. So 1.Dishonesty would of course be a rule in every household?
And I would think most parents would want their children to follow their advice and listen to their parents, as it’s usually for their kids best interests, so of course you have rules on
2. Disobedience.
And you don’t want your kids to bully others and you want them to grow up to be people who are generally able to co exist with others, so you don’t want them to be disrespectful, therefore it’s natural to have a rule on:
3. Disrespect
And you want them to be able to get a job, finish school and take care of themselves and hopefully get a partner and some kids so you would want them to be responsible kids and do the things that are expected of them, so you should have a rule on that:
4. Irresponsibility
And you do want them to show up for work and school and do a good job and get their kids up in the morning and to school every day, not just when they feel like it, so you will need to teach them
5. Inconsistency
But I might be stupid to think this is what parents want for their children now days?
I might be very wrong, and sometimes people probably see me as stupid, but I actually taught that most parents would want kids that were honest and didn’t lye. So 1.Dishonesty would of course be a rule in every household?
And I would think most parents would want their children to follow their advice and listen to their parents, as it’s usually for their kids best interests, so of course you have rules on
2. Disobedience.
And you don’t want your kids to bully others and you want them to grow up to be people who are generally able to co exist with others, so you don’t want them to be disrespectful, therefore it’s natural to have a rule on:
3. Disrespect
And you want them to be able to get a job, finish school and take care of themselves and hopefully get a partner and some kids so you would want them to be responsible kids and do the things that are expected of them, so you should have a rule on that:
4. Irresponsibility
And you do want them to show up for work and school and do a good job and get their kids up in the morning and to school every day, not just when they feel like it, so you will need to teach them
5. Inconsistency
But I might be stupid to think this is what parents want for their children now days?
CreyvinMoorhead · 41-45, M
Golfer · 61-69, M
Try going also positive….1.) Healthy in all things…2.) feeling are very different than thoughts….feelings are never wrong but thoughts often are…
This comment is hidden.
Show Comment
bijouxbroussard · F
This is 2026. If you’re on the level, you’re not looking for an excuse to physically abuse minors who have no options. Restricting privileges preserves dignity and self-esteem while providing consequences. On the other hand, if you’re a catfish courting the resident spankos here ("two girls 11 and 13"), see a shrink.
aginggracefully · 70-79, M
I don’t have any particular experience of those specific pillars but they seem very sensible. I do think, though, that the number one priority is to establish 100% agreement between you and their dad.
If the kids are going to feel secure they need to know that your relationship is strong. To check that out, they will test the relationship and will home in on any perceived weak links.
If the kids are going to feel secure they need to know that your relationship is strong. To check that out, they will test the relationship and will home in on any perceived weak links.
wintersecret · 46-50, M
72andy · 51-55, M
Looks like a great place to start
But you will need some specific ones such as phone use
But you will need some specific ones such as phone use
chrisCA · M
Is their mom in the picture?
If so, you piss off her daughters, and you may have to deal with her.
If so, you piss off her daughters, and you may have to deal with her.
OogieBoogie · F
@HelenJohnson ypu should really be talking to your partner and their mother to see how they want/do parenting - to make all your parenting styles and rules the same: homogenous.
Inflicting differnt styles one week here, another week there, ends up being confusing and conflicting to a child/young adult.
Asking here is pointelss.
We arent family.
We arent connected to them.
Patenting is something that needs to be customised to the child.... the situation.
Open up discussion about it within your extended family unit.
Be aware, some natural mothers may not see it as your place to discipline their children.
You are their exes partner.
It doesn't automatically give you dominion over their kids.
Jsyk🫤🤷♀
Inflicting differnt styles one week here, another week there, ends up being confusing and conflicting to a child/young adult.
Asking here is pointelss.
We arent family.
We arent connected to them.
Patenting is something that needs to be customised to the child.... the situation.
Open up discussion about it within your extended family unit.
Be aware, some natural mothers may not see it as your place to discipline their children.
You are their exes partner.
It doesn't automatically give you dominion over their kids.
Jsyk🫤🤷♀
Bklynbadboy12 · 36-40, M
Yes i do have experience with those. First off my punishments coincide with what you did and the severity how you did it. Also understand all kids are different so you have to discipline them accordingly what work for the 13 year may not work for the 11 year old and vise versa.
Nevertooold · 56-60, M
Perfect...but my question Ma'am is this...How do you cure the dishonesty,disobedience disrespect...I don't think just talking to them would get them to change their ways...
subhubby · 56-60, M
I think it’s important you and your husband (their father) are on the same page in terms of family rules. Maybe you simply repeat whatever he conveys to his daughters but trying to get to know them and being empathetic to them will help.
Pfuzylogic · M
Kept it simple.
Honesty and no hurting others
Honesty and no hurting others
Confined · 56-60, M
Maybe a general list of rules in the house.