I'm already regretting this post. I know the responses are going to be hateful and exhausting. [I Married Curious]

I say this with all the kindness that I can, because I in no way think your a bad person. Just because you are polyamorous, doesn’t mean she is or even can be. I’m not wired that way and maybe neither is she. The only threesome that I’ve ever had was with one of my ex girlfriend’s best friend and her and I. We did several times before we got serious and even then, although it was sexy, it just left me feeling dirty afterwards. Once we got serious in the relationship... I told her that I couldn’t anymore and we moved on to monogamy after that. Life’s about choices and that was ours. I’ve never been able to separate sex and love and is the reason that I’ve never had a one night stand. I get that you are different and I say this with all respect but it seems both you and her have some very big choices ahead of you. You both deserve happiness but it might not be with each other. If I was her, I couldn’t do what you are asking... ever. That in no way makes you wrong... maybe just not right for her. Hopefully you understand this with all the kindness that I meant it. Good luck to you both. ☮️

Wow! You know yourself too well, my friend.

1. Tell me what has changed after 7 yrs?

2. Is this the 7 yr itch or you think you'll find a better woman, but don't want to risk it all until you're sure you've found the real deal(which will take a lot of effort)

or...

3....do you want to just show her that you can look for another partner if she is being so demanding and changing her political views. It's you that can't accept her changing. It's you that is scared you might wake up to a woman you hardly recognize. So you want to 'start paddling' now that you're seeing the cracks in your boat.

My advice: Don't panic.

If you want something solid n long-term with this woman, tell her you both can revisit this topic next year. There's no hurry. Both need time to weigh your pros and cons. But it's important to work on your trust now...or else you'll surely end up losing her, forever.

She'll find another man, who is dedicated to only her. But the question is, [b][i]are you willing to lose her, if you think of the worst possible situation?[/i][/b]

So don't hurry. Don't panic. Just think bout it next year...see if you both have changed after this discussion. That will be a true test of your feelings for each other.

No one can decide for you both...only you both should. If you invite a third person in, you're already on shaky grounds.

Just my two cents. Take it or leave it. I'm sorry if I might have sounded candid, but I tried to be as unstudied as possible.✌️💙 Chose 1, 2 or 3 first...if you can.

Honestly I kinda went through a similar situation last year where my wife was hinting to me she'd be okay with an open relationship. Her medication renders her effectively asexual but heteroromantic.

When she did that it kind of 'broke' my monogamy brain and I started considering potential open relationship partners for the first time in my life. There was an incident with a friend that wasn't serious but was still a Thing.

So I eventually talk this all out to her and she takes it very badly. Turns out the hints were a sort of self-loathing self-sabotage kind of thing and she's terrified of me leaving her.

It's been around eight months now and things are basically back to normal. We worked it through with her therapist, my monogamy brain is back in place, and I'm happy with the relationship where it is. It was a huge thing for us to overcome but we did.

I say this because I sympathize... but my situation is also not yours because in the end I got to go back to a happy monogamous headspace.

I think the fact you front-loaded some of the things you're unhappy about in this post is very telling and you may have to seriously consider if this relationship makes you genuinely happy, or if it is comfortable and stable and that comfort and stability makes you happy.

Also on the racism stuff that's something that can get intense and worse as the years go on. The social situation we're in is going to get wilder and more awful and if you guys are on different 'sides' that could be horrifically toxic for the relationship.

Regardless some couples counselling may be an idea.

I understand where you're coming from and yes we all change over time, but you can't expect someone to change to what you have, just because you have. Now, don't get the wrong idea, I'm not attacking you or what you've shared. All I'm saying is, just because you want it, doesn't mean she's going to and if she doesn't, then what? You can't stop wanting what you want and neither can she. It's unfair of one person to demand another to change or understand how they've changed.

Maybe, with time, she'd understand. Maybe not. But again...you can't force her. You can't force her to accept it if it's beyond what she wants. You both need to decide what your priorities are. Your relationship together or where ever this will lead.

She has the right to the kind of relationship she wants as much as you do. You just need to figure out what is more important to you if she doesn't accept it. If you stay and don't follow through. You end up, maybe, resenting her. If you stay, but do it any way, she feels cheated on and the resentment builds there and it will or you go your own ways and who knows how you'll both feel from that.

I don't envy you, it's not an easy place to be. But, whether you consider it an itch or a life affirming change, it's still something that can hurt and tear things apart if both people are not on the same page.

I can't tell you what to do, I know what I'd do if my wife told me something like that. If she was so adamant to do it, I'd sadly wish her luck and move on, but that's me. I was in a marriage for 10 yrs and I know things change over time, it would be insane to think it would stay the same, but some things just can't be worked through if both parties aren't willing or able.

I do wish you luck and hope for the best for you both. Sorry couldn't be of more help.

I haven't read all the responses so forgive me if I'm repeating what someone else may have stated.

I think the reason she returned with the response she did was because she was given time to discuss it with a friend. This isn't just about the 2 of you. This is also about being judged by all your friends and family. You both will have to deal with that. Even if she was completely on board with the lifestyle you want to pursue, others' opinions are going to have an effect on your relationship and I don't think you can possibly last long term as a couple due to that.

There's something else to think about here. You've now asked to change the parameters of your relationship with someone who isn't, who has never been, as open minded as you are about these things. It's a lot to ask of someone whose expectations of the life she envisioned with you has been turned on it's head. I'm not judging you but I will remind you of the vows you took 7 years ago. I've never felt those words should be taken lightly. I was in a number of relationships before I met my husband and I knew I couldn't completely commit to any of them. I was positive I wanted to be completely committed until one of us died when I became involved with the man who became my husband.

You may love your wife but loving someone is only part of what it takes to make a good marriage. You both have to be on the same page and have each other's backs no matter what. You have to function as one unit. It sounds to me as if you both aren't there. As you've found, marriage isn't easy. It takes work. Bringing in another party into it, when you have some major differences in values is a recipe for disaster. Attempt to put yourself in her position at this point in time. She doesn't want anyone else. She wants you. You want to become emotionally and physically involved with another woman while staying married. Honey, to her at this moment, you are asking to have your cake and eat it too.

Sounds as though you both need different things from the marriage.

Simple fact is there are just something's which cannot be compromised. Either your in ..or out.

She went away for a few days, thought deeply about it. Then gave you her opinion.

Anyone that responds to this in a way that belittles you or is hateful should really think before replying.

First of all, you have been open and honest with her. Did she have any inkling that you may have felt this way before?

Although this has only become real for you during lockdown you have theorised about it before, it is not new for you but for her it is.

Also, when you two married, this was not a factor, and so she married you with the expectation of forsaking all others. For you to now say you want to be with other women may feel like you are breaking your vows, i think of a couple i knew that didn't want kids, 10 years later she changed her mind and he didn't and he could not understand why she expected him to when he has not changed.

Thirdly, you wife is post-partum. The changes in her body will make her feel insecure, also we all hear of men who no longer see their wives as sexual beings once they become mothers... this will all add to any insecurities she might have.

All this is said not to say you are in the wrong, just to maybe try and put yourself in her shoes.

You have a number of options available to you as I see it:

You carry on as is and suppress your own self for the sake of your marriage. She may never come round to the idea and you may have to just live with that.

You stay together but you hope she will come round, which may lead to her agreeing or it may lead to what she fears, a longer dragged out end to the relationship.

You leave and then work on your next relationship being open from the start.


And.... i have tried to think of this as your relationship with each other, but you are both parents and you have a child to factor into this relationship. He deserves a happy family environment, where both parents are happy to be there.

Big hugs, you need to weigh up your own priorities and the consequences and really decide on what is the best thing for you all.

Always here just to listen, you know I won't judge 🤗

What are her actual concerns? Just saying she feels sad isnt really a response. She's gonna feel more sad being a single mom since splitting up was the best solution she could come up with.😬 also I could be wrong but i think non monogamy is a lifestyle not an identity. If my husband presented it to me as "who he is" instead of "what he likes or prefers" id think id have no other option but divorce or compliance!

Anyway, what kind of advice are you looking for? I really have none but i hope yall find the best possible solution.

We live in a world where people see love as finite. There is only enough for one person and we must have all of that from the person we are with. If they love others then it is taking from us and what we have with that person. Add a child to the mix and that fear grows. The fear of abandonment stems from us not feeling one with what's around us. We are separate and vulnerable and this has been used as a very effective method of control throughout the ages.

I can see it from her perspective, had it been her suggestion and not yours then I'm sure it would be different. There is something about that suggestion from the person who is "yours", that is very destabilising. Keep talking, keep the idea in sight, but don't push it. Time will tell if it's something you can live without or something she can live with. Things have changed up to this point and they are unlikely to stop changing. Have a little faith and try not to worry too much in the moment.

Sounds like perhaps things have gotten a little too samey. The reason I'm saying this is because think about what dating life was like before you met your wife.
Is it worth doing that again?

Or do you somehow think it'll be better because you know you have someone to fall back on?
I'm not judging you.
I think I'm polygamous, but I can't tell if that's because I was with a mean(emotionally unavailable) partner...
Now we've split I don't want any one. But that's circumstantial. Where as in the past after 6 months I got out there again.
The more loving partner I was passionate with and content until it burned out.

New flushes of lust are exciting and you can't really reignite that in a long term partner.
But you can ignite a new kind of passion.

If you're not so right winged this will be a turn off because like anyone embarking on a new thing, they can get really into it which will either sizzle out or become their turning point.

Is that something you fear?

GL dude. This kinda just sounds awful in general. Now, she has to live with the knowledge that you want more and she can't give you that if you stay together. Sounds like a hard thing to deal with, in itself. I hope things work out. 💖

Just as you want to be accepted for who you are..
You have to love her enough to accept that this makes her sad . If you really love her you don't want to destroy her and make her depressed and miserable do you?
Love her enough to give her the choice . She has the right to leave and not accept this just as you have the right to do whatever you want as long as you aren't hurting someone.
( No hate at all here)

Deep down I wonder if she does fear you meeting someone else and leaving her. To be with her and be yourself as you put it, may sound to her like you want to have your cake and eat it too

She went from theoretically agreeing with you, accepting it and thinking about it to complete hopelessness in a two days time. Sorry man, that's rough. 😥

Just gonna be honest with, so you can consider whether you want to value my words: I do believe in monogamy strongly.

From what I've heard women thoroughly enjoy having a strong unique love from their husband, which becomes more narrow from her experience, I think, with this direction. (I hope the way I said that makes sense.)

Anyway in a short time she wanted to give up completely. If you haven't already, I think it's worth finding out what precious thing she feels she's losing with this, that has such a strong impact that she loses all hope.

Reality sucks sometimes but it’s a necessary evil. I don’t know where I stand on the issue...I think it would depend on the bond with a partner. I dig and thrive upon those unheard of, made for tv - super intimate connections. But I also understand those are unheard of and almost never perfect. I know for a fact you can be in love with more than one soul at a time. I can see where for her it feels like a betrayal. It’s not what she signed up for. But...if she took the same route as you and had the same opportunities...would she feel the same?
What if she were on SW and talking to people from all different perspectives? Would it open her eyes?
Just saying that her world view may be smaller than yours. And if that’s the case she couldn’t possibly understand

All I know is if my hubby told me that I'd be kicking him to the curb.

I'd feel hurt and rejected. I'm not one for open marriages.

It's all or nothing for me. Peace out. ✌️🏻

I’m going to ask you to think beyond yourself for a minute. Just a minute.

What is the best way to give your offspring the best life?

Diddling around with other folks.... or trying to spend your energy with the responsibilities you created?

Nature maybe convincing you that your happiness is more important... but it isn’t. You can choose your happiness over others... that’s fine.

But life isn’t about you. It’s about everything. Even life you created from almost nothing.

I don't know but I felt like that in my last relationship which was for four years and it turned out I didn't really like him... Could be different for you.

In the relationship I'm in now I'd rather have joint activity and I'm not interested in seeing anyone else.

Could be different feelings regarding this with different people in every relationship.

I agree you can love more than one person at once, I felt it years ago, I found it too much. But again everyone is different.

You can't force her into accepting and if it makes her sad then she needs out or you make yourself sad and live how she wants. Or you start lieing which backfires on everyone.

It's really tricky.

Maybe she will agree that you try your way. It might not bother her when it actually happens, you never know how you'll react in a given situation till you're in it. Try out you being yourself and see how it feels for you and her. That's the only way to know for sure which is a gamble but it's possibly worth it.

You’ve put her in a tough spot by asking to change the terms of the marriage, and apparently not long after having a child. I don’t know if your ideal scenario will be possible. You may have some difficult choices to make. I’m not criticizing—only you can decide what is necessary for you. But I wouldn’t care to be in her shoes.

personally, i’d freak out if my husband in the future ever says that to me. you’re lucky she’s at least trying to be understanding. if she’s not happy in the relationship, i’m sorry, but you’re probably going to have to have a really tough conversation on whether you choose to continue or part ways.

As much as you may say your current feelings for her and your relationship wont change you do not know that for a certainty. Especially if you are actually going to adopt a big lifestyle change as such. And you do not know if her feelings will change towards you either and what you currently have. It is basically naive to promise someone that you will feel a certain way for an x amount of time ,as feelings are greatly impacted of things outside of our control . Or maybe you do that to provide a sense of security for both her and you ,while you are aware of all of the above. And I think she is aware of all of these things too. Whatever happens I hope things work out for the best for both of you.

Time, patience, and open communication. It’s a complete shift in relationship dynamic that you’re proposing and you have had far longer to think about it than she has. Her answer may be no right now but, just as it was yes a bit ago, things may change. The only thing to do, I think, is to allow everything to unfold now that you have been honest with her about how you feel.

And good luck, you deserve happiness and the love you most desire.

Well..one of you needs to compromise. And unless she walked into it eyes open (which it doesn't sound like she did) then it probably needs to be you.

I always disagree with everyone who says marriage is hardwork. Mine is easy but I know what I've found is super rare so that doesn't really help very much.

I think you did the right thing by being honest BUT you have to accept that it may result in her leaving you or leaving you subsequently if you have an affair.

The selfish thing but maybe safest thing if you didn't want to lose her would have been keeping it secret. I am a believer in what she doesn't know wouldn't hurt her. If she found out, you'd be in ultimately a worse place though.

Sorry! Not very helpful! Just my thoughts. 😊

That's tough man. Maybe seeing a couples therapist and navigating through it there would be a safer idea. They specialise in things like that. There's obviously a lot of conversation that needs to happen but it sounds like there's a lot of messy emotions and things to figure out on both ends.

Give her time, reassure her. Have her read up on it or talk to others who have been where she is. This use to be me. The fear that one day I wasnt going to be good enough. Hugs and good luck, if you need to talk more feel free to inbox me

You just wanna fuck other women. Without leaving the comfort and security your home and wife provides. That's all. All wrapped In pseudo intellectual arguments that somehow make her inadequate for being "sad" and not understanding.

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🦋

She needs time to think this through, & so do you! There's a lot going on in your life at the minute, what with tiny human & evetything else.

No rash decisions. Continue the openness while not letting this subject be your only subject. You've done a stellar job at that so far. Everything will be okay 😊🤗

I would punch my husband if he ever told me something like that. I don’t why but I thought you were married or in a committed relationship.

It seems like that is something you should have already known about yourself. I feel like you’re putting her in a bad position. What is she supposed to say. 😑👀

Going from monogamy to non-monogamy is more difficult than most married couples reaize. Is she hearing that you are rejecting her? Because if she doesn't have that yearning, it's hard for her to understand why someone would want this. That's a huge ask. And btw, you cannot predict how it would turn out. So are you saying you want to have sex with someone else, or want to be in a relationship with someone else, e.g., 2 people?

I have no experience to really offer. Other than I know I have had feelings for multiple people at the same time but never had the open frank conversations you're having.
Keep talking I suppose.
I will seek out someone on here I'm sure will have a good perspective and ask them to drop by.

I had issues in my marriage as my wife was bipolar. I always wanted relationship counselling but she refused. I would recommend it for you, as a trained and dispassionate professional could help you both with your issues.

She is not into poly. There’s not much to do, sorry. You can’t impose it on her, she’ll be miserable and she probably already is.
If monogamy isn't an option for you then let her.

I feel for her. You are going to break her if you don't let her go. She will never forgive you if you go through with your desires and she will never forget the words that have already been spoken.

That sounds very tough.

It looks like your options are you don’t seek others so she continues to feel like you don’t need anyone but her. ( you of course feel sad perhaps even resentful down the line)

You go through with what you want & she could have the same reaction to yours above.

You decide that the needs you both have are no longer compatible & because you care for each other you want one another happy even if it means not being together anymore.

You hang on tight & see if either of you changes your feelings.

I’m sorry that has got to be an emotional challenge. 🖤

I think you were too honest and that it damaged the relationship. She will feel like she is not enough for you. I don’t have any good advice. Good luck.

And what do you mean by 'she met a "friend"'?. If she met a male friend and comes back to you and says she doesnt want the marriage with you, then I'd suggest you throw her out with immediate effect. That was not your intial plan was it? when you trusted her and opened your mind with her.

Sounds like habituation